2 Tiny Ways To Reignite An Extremely Dull Marriage
How to feel like you did in the beginning.
AndreyKaderov, rick734's Images | Canva Being in love is a feeling like no other. It's a yearning of the heart that affects your mind like a drug, whether your lover is right in front of you, or you're anticipating a call or your next encounter. You have an insatiable desire to just be engulfed by each other. Ahhh, and it feels so good. Your actions are playful. Your conversations are clever, witty, and flirtatious. You make sure that you look and smell good at all times. There's not much that s/he can do that you find unacceptable. These are the feelings that lead people to move in together, get married, and have children. So, what happened to those feelings of desire and acceptance in your relationship? You love your partner, of course, but it's become dry and routine. You may even find your lover irritating or boring most of the time now — or worse, disappointing. Maybe you've had thoughts that the two of you are growing apart.
Don't feel bad, it's bound to happen at times in long-term, committed relationships. It happens because of the day-to-day demands of living your lives together. In place of the wonderful acts of romance, you've been through much together over time. Paying bills, illness, in-laws, job dissatisfaction, house chores, and the fatigue and demands of the kids don't lean very well to romance. When was the last time you treated your lover like your top priority? How often do you express how much you value, appreciate, and admire him/her in a heartfelt and meaningful way? Was it on a birthday, anniversary, or holiday, when you took the time to remember the value of this special person in your life? Some may struggle to find it even then.
What about you? Does your relationship have the passion and pleasure that you once enjoyed? Most of us can say that so much has happened over time that's built up feelings of disappointment or resentment. After all, you're only human, but so is your partner. We disappoint ourselves at times, so of course we have to realistically accept that no one else will go through life without disappointing us here and there as well. But somewhere along the way, we decided that it was unacceptable in our relationship, or worse, began to expect it with resentment. Sure, maybe you do forgive, but you don't forget, do you? You may love, but you no longer feel the passion of the "in-love" drug.
Here's the good news: If you truly have the desire to rekindle that spark toward your partner, it may not be as difficult as you think. And interestingly, the practice that will do it has the word passion in it. It's called compassion. And here's how you do it... Take the time to think about your partner compassionately, like you might a friend in need or even a stranger. Really. Look at your partner realistically, a mere human being like you, that desires and deserves to be loved and just wants to get his/her needs met. And like you, this lover of yours wants to avoid suffering in life, which no one can escape; it's what catapults us into growth and change. Still, it's true for you and it's true for your partner.
Pexels / Juan Pablo Serrano
So as you think about, or look onto your partner's face, with the same compassion you would offer a friend or stranger, an interesting thing happens. In experiencing your feelings of compassion, you'll find that it's a similar yearning of the heart to love and to give your good to another. It's not a feeling of pity, but a feeling of deservingness. And in that moment of pure love and understanding, you'll remember why you fell in love in the first place, and why this person is deserving of your goods - all ill feelings melt away in this moment. Here are two suggestions:
- Offer this time of viewing your partner with compassion. Repeat the practice often until you see a change in your relationship. When you begin to make your partner a top priority again showing how much you value, appreciate, and admire him/her, you will notice it being reciprocated.
- Self-compassion: Do this practice on yourself too. Find a quiet, alone time to look at yourself from outside (admittedly somewhat difficult), as if looking upon another person deserving of your compassion. What do you see? Self-compassion allows you to understand that you are deserving of loving relationships at a very deep level.
Pexels / Денис Нагайцев
Compassion for your lover, while also having compassion for yourself, will open up a whole new chapter in your love relationship — one filled with passion. What are you waiting for? Ten minutes today could change your life immediately! Practice more self-compassion, something that you definitely deserve.
Wendy Kay is a life strategy coach and author of Mastering the Art of Feeling Good, an inspirational and practical guide on enriching one’s life by learning how to feel good at will.