6 Tiny Ways To Keep Your Marriage Hot — Even With Kids
Having children shouldn't stop you from having a steamy marriage.
Pavel Danilyuk | Pexels While it’s expected that intimacy will die down after kids arrive on the scene, if you make your relationship a priority, it doesn’t have to take a huge dip. When a baby arrives, parents need to adjust to the emotional and physical demands of becoming a parent. Infants can be challenging (most new parents are sleep-deprived), time for intimacy and romance declines, and couples need to make time to connect both physically and emotionally.
Author Andrew G. Marshall says the two main culprits that destroy what he calls "Loving Attachment" — the type of love characterized by a deep connection, intimacy, and the ability to tackle the challenges of life together — are neglecting physical intimacy and not accepting each other’s differences. In his landmark book I Love You, But I'm Not In Love With You, he says that couples can rekindle loving feelings by building a better understanding of themselves and each other, and ultimately building a stronger, more passionate connection. Want to know how to put your marriage first and rev up your passion (even with kids)?
Here are 6 tiny ways to keep your marriage hot, even with kids:
1. Plan exciting dates
Try something like hiking or kayaking that’s outside of your comfort zone. Make doing activities away from your children a priority.
2. Schedule time for just the two of you — no kids
They won't suffer if you don't schedule daily playtime. Kids are incredibly resilient and they will become self-reliant if they have downtime to play alone, with siblings, or with peers.
3. Resolve conflicts skillfully
Don’t put aside resentments that can destroy a relationship. Learn to air your differences and compromise so you both get some — but not all — of the things you desire.
4. Tune in to your sultry side
You can do this by treating yourself to a special night out or a massage. Find ways to tell your partner, “You’re attractive,” while avoiding critique after being intimate. Take your time to allow tension to build. Our brains experience more pleasure when the anticipation of the reward goes on for some time befoually receive it.
5. Touch each other more
According to author Dr. Kory Floyd, physical contact releases feel-good hormones. Holding hands, hugging, kissing, and touching release oxytocin (the bonding hormone) that reduces pain and creates a calming sensation. Physical affection also reduces stress hormones — lowering daily levels of the stress hormone cortisol.
6. Ensure your kids know your relationship with their other parent is important
This may sound simplistic, but you can convey this through warmth, affection, and spending time away from them with your partner. Making your marriage a priority will pay off for you, your partner, and your children. For your marriage or romantic relationship to thrive, it’s important to create daily rituals like spending time together, showing physical affection, and learning to resolve conflict healthily.
Terry Gaspard, MSW, LICSW, is a licensed clinical social worker with extensive experience in counseling and writing.