5 Tiny Things He Does That Make You Crazy-Jealous (And How To Overcome)
Is your jealousy warranted, or do you just have trust issues?
stockfour, Africa images | Canva I’m fine. It’s nothing. No big deal. You claim that you’re perfectly okay, but that’s not how you feel on the inside. And it’s probably not what your body language and other non-verbal cues are saying either. Beneath your claims to your partner that you’re not upset and that nothing is wrong is annoying, anxiety-producing, and maddening jealousy. You’re upset because of a situation that’s going on (that’s beyond your control). You’re also upset because getting jealous about it feels so silly.
Nobody sets out to intentionally get jealous in their relationships — it can feel petty or even paranoid. Nobody wants all that drama, and that’s one reason why when you feel jealous. You might try your hardest to hide it — even from yourself. You might spend a lot of energy either trying to convince yourself that you’re making a big deal out of nothing or criticizing yourself for worrying and being suspicious. You might also attempt to drown out your jealousy with drinking, drugs, shopping, or anything else that promises to distract you. Rarely do any of these actions work in an effective or long-lasting way.
Jealousy isn’t something that just goes away on its own. No matter how “silly” the reason for your jealousy seems, until you fully face it, understand it, and deal with it, you can't free yourself from the gnawing doubt, fear, and fury that often go along with jealousy. You also can't truly enjoy the trust and connection with your partner that you’ve been wanting all along. It’s time to stop ignoring your jealousy and start consciously resolving whatever's troubling you, regardless of how “insignificant” it seems. Set aside your discomfort and embarrassment and find new ways to handle the upsetting situation.
Here are 5 things he does that make you crazy jealous, and how to overcome them together:
1. He calls himself an extrovert, but you think he’s just a flirt sending the wrong message
Look beyond labels and focus on specific behaviors instead. Stop making your partner wrong for being more social or friendlier than you are and identify the behaviors that most bother you. Then go within to find out why. The less you blame, the better. When you learn from your differences and find ways to respect them, conflicts ease and jealousy dissipates much more quickly.
2. He doesn’t deny that he enjoys looking at other women but says he’d never cheat
Your biggest ally in overcoming jealousy is remembering the facts. Yes, your partner’s wandering eye feels degrading (possibly to everyone involved), but it doesn’t mean he's about to have an affair. Use words like, "I feel _______ when I see you looking in that way at others.” Ask your partner to re-focus on you and make sure you’re focused on him (instead of on your fears).
3. He and his ex are "just friends" who still talk, text, and regularly meet for coffee
Healthy communication is key in a scenario that involves continued contact between your partner and her ex. When you both are open to discussion, talk about what’s appropriate (and what’s not) when it comes to either of you interacting with an ex. Create agreements that are reasonable and that you both will follow. Watch for signs that your partner is honoring those agreements to calm your jealousy.
4. His adult video-watching habit makes you angry and feel inadequate even though he claims it’s just the way he de-stresses and unwinds
The first conversation about this kind of habit is one you need to have with yourself. Can you accept that your partner consumes this (for whatever reason) or is this a deal-breaker for you? Be honest and let your answer guide you. If you're okay with it, make sure the two of you set aside quality time for being physically intimate.
5. He hasn’t given you any reason to doubt, but you can’t erase the image in your mind of your ex with someone else
If you’ve been cheated on or hurt in the past, regularly check in with yourself to see where you need to heal so that you can release what happened with someone else and live in the present. Making amends with your past is a great way to overcome jealousy. It can involve journaling, simple rituals, or working with a coach or counselor. To truly free yourself from jealousy, you’ve got to commit to doing whatever it takes to change the way you think, act, and interact with your partner. This isn’t just about your relationship; it’s also about your self-esteem and peace of mind.
Susie and Otto Collins are Certified Transformative Coaches who help awaken love and possibilities in your life.