6 Tiny Signs You're In Love With A People-Pleaser
What to know about being in a relationship with a people-pleaser.
Nicolas Menijes, AaronAmat | Canva Every day we interact with people with a variety of personality issues. Sometimes we recognize these issues and put names to them; co-dependent, enmeshed, addicted, loner, passive-aggressive. These behavior patterns are ones that we mostly know about and even how to deal with. One common behavior pattern I often see is the people-pleaser.
Their behavior is easy to spot, but challenging to define with words. I can say for certain that I am not a people-pleaser, but I know a few of them. They have several similar traits that make them easy to spot. Once you know what to look for in your new friendships, then you can protect yourself if you feel the need to. Here are the traits to look out for.
Here are 6 tiny signs you're in love with a people-pleaser:
1. New friends mean the world to them
These new friends don’t know the people-pleaser and thus can’t judge them. It’s easier to be nicer to the people who don’t know you well. The People-Pleaser (PP) works hard to let these new friends know that they are important. Invite them to events, and make them the center of attention. The new people feel wanted. The downside is the moment other new people appear on the scene, the PP moves on.
2. Your opinion is important to them
Because the PP has difficulty in how they view themselves and how others view them, validation from others becomes all important. If someone challenges them they will avoid this person at all costs or eliminate them from their circle of friends. Appearances are of utmost importance to the people-pleaser. They need to make sure that they are doing the "cool" things. With the use of social media, it has become easier for the PP to keep up appearances.
3. They avoid confrontation
No one likes confrontation normally, but a PP will lose sleep because of a potential confrontation. Because of the desire to appear cool or hip, numerous shallow relationships are often the key. This is because deeper relationships take work and often include confrontations or critiques of behavior.
4. Time management doesn’t exist
A PP is constantly moving to avoid rest which then could lead to self-reflection. They will make commitments to others that they will consistently get out of or not complete. They will look good for the fact that they agreed to do this thing, and then come up with what seems to be a legitimate excuse for why they can’t keep the commitment.
5. Being nice is more important than being real
PP gets stuck emotionally because they are compelled to be nice instead of expressing how they feel about things. If they were to express how they feel, someone may not like it which would then lead to a possible confrontation. This leads to a PP feeling overwhelmed because, somehow, they are less of a person if someone were to think poorly of them.
6. They show signs of anxiety or discontentment
Due to the constant pressure to perform and keep up appearances, a PP often suffers from anxiety and discontentment. These mental health issues can often go unrecognized, and the PP sees this simply as a fact of life. It can affect family relationships negatively if they don’t get the right help. If you run into this type of personality, they need your help and understanding.
It's difficult to go deep and help this person see where they need help, but they need someone like you in their life. They need someone willing to accept their ways, while also being willing to make a consistent attempt to help see that there is another way to interact with people. It will be a challenge, but ultimately worth it.
David Simonsen, LMFT, PhD is a marriage and family therapist. He has been featured in Desert News, Woodford Times, Reader's Digest, and more.