3 Tiny Secrets To Getting The Love You Want, According To Relationship Experts
How to ask and get what you want in your relationship.
Ivanko_Brnjakovic, Monsterkoi | Canva Are you wondering how to find the love that you want in your life? Have you fallen in love with someone and for a while, you were in, what you believed to be, a healthy relationship? But, now that the honeymoon period is over, you can't help but wonder...what happened? The love in your relationship seems to have slipped away and you don't know how to get it back.
We're all here just figuring everything out and your most intimate relationships give you the perfect conditions and opportunities to do so. If you aren't getting the love you want what can you do about it? Harville Hendrix Ph.D. and his wife Helen LaKelly Hunt Ph.D. co-wrote a brilliant book together entitled Getting the Love You Want and it goes into detail about who we end up falling in love with and why.
They discuss why we are attracted to, and fall in love with certain people and how our childhood wounds play a role in the process. Initially, when we fall in love, everything feels wonderful. Harville and Helen teach that the reason why we fall in love is to find our true essence — the true essence of love. And it's through intimate and healthy relationships that we have an opportunity to find our way back to love.
I had the pleasure of interviewing Harville and Helen. We had a fun time together. I was a bit star-struck and even nervous at first, having followed their work with great admiration. Harville and Helen are a powerful couple who have done profound work in the evolution of relationships, marriage, coupling, and communication — and with such deep dedication. They are very knowledgeable on this subject and they have the answer to how to get the love you want.
Here are 3 tiny secrets to getting the love you want, according to relationship experts:
1. Know your relationship complaints
In the interview, Harville shares that what people complain about most in their intimate relationships is exactly what they didn't get enough of when they were a child. The love you want is hidden in these complaints. What do you complain about regarding your intimate relationship? And how similar is that to what you didn't get when you were a child? He says that when you complain about something three times — really complain about it with emotion — you're diving into a childhood memory. There's something deeper going on that needs your attention if you want to create a Conscious Partnership. Otherwise, you keep the wounds open in your relationships.
2. Take care of the space between you
Helen talked about how to get the love you want by caring for "the space in between." Such a brilliant concept! How can you free yourself from destructive relationship behaviors? If a couple is struggling in a relationship then Helen encourages them to think of the relationship as two people and also the space in between them. Space isn't empty. It has energy fields in it. And for a relationship to be healthy, you need to care for this space and keep it "clean."
If two people can make the space between them safe, they can connect. If there is anxiety in the space, they don't feel safe and the connection will be ruptured. Understanding and having the tools to keep the space between each other, as a couple, safe is a powerful way to develop a Conscious Partnership.
Dealing with challenging relationship issues by both partners "caring for the space in between" will make all the difference in the health of a relationship. And you can accomplish this through better communication. Are you practicing healthy ways of communicating in your relationships? Many couples find it challenging when trying to figure out how to improve communication in their relationship.
3. Communicate safely
To be able to communicate with each other, you first need to make sure that you keep and maintain a safe space. Harville and Helen call it "Dialogue." They teach couples a dialogue process where communication has a certain structure to it. It offers the couple consistency and predictability when challenging issues come up. Part of the process involves mirroring and validating. Once the couple understands the structure of this type of communication, they can become more spontaneous with it. But, first, they need to understand the structure and process.
When a couple is "In Dialogue," it offers each person a sense of safety because they know what's coming next. They know the process includes zero negativity and that each person is committed to speaking responsibly. No one will be yelled at or put down. At least that is the commitment and intention. What's fascinating is that this Dialogue process helps the participating couple to balance and integrate their brain functions and decrease reactive communication patterns.
Helen and Harville are a beautiful couple who spent their lives forging a path for better relating. They are committed to the transformation of relationships and the evolution of "relational culture." It was an honor to be able to interview them. Which of Harville's and Helen's concepts resonated most with you?
Anna-Thea is an author and certified divine Feminine educator who educates people on how to claim their power lovingly.