11 Things A Wife Should Never Feel Forced To Do For Her Husband
An unequal marriage isn't healthy for anyone.
Photoroyalty | Shutterstock Marriages are based on compromise, but there should still be a sense of balance around who gives what. There are things a wife should never feel forced to do for her husband, especially things that make her lose sight of her identity outside of being a wife.
Being in an unhealthy marriage often means that one person's expectations for the other are rigid and unfair, and that nothing they do is ever good enough. A husband who feels secure about himself and the strength of his relationship doesn't force his wife to be anyone other than her truest self.
Here are 11 things a wife should never feel forced to do for her husband
1. Give up on her dreams
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Every healthy relationship has some element of give and take, yet even so, both halves of a couple should feel like they have the chance to set goals and achieve them. A wife should never feel forced to give up on her dreams for her husband, even if she has to set them aside for a little while.
To make the relationship feel equitable, husbands and wives should have ongoing, open discussions about the direction they want their shared life to take. It's highly common for wives to support their husbands' advancing career by taking on the role of primary parent, but she shouldn't feel relegated to that role forever, especially if she has dreams outside of being a mom.
Her dreams might unfold on a different timeline than she imagined, but no one's life trajectory follows a perfectly straight line. A wife should feel like her husband makes space for her dreams, too, and not like she exists just to help him reach his.
2. Change her appearance
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Accepting people as they are is a key part of loving them, and a wife should never feel forced to change how she looks for her husband.
As traditional wedding vows declare, husbands and wives love each other in good times and in bad, in sickness and in health, for richer or poorer, for better or worse. An essential part of that pledge hinges on the idea that love stays strong as years pass by, which means loving each other in every iteration, with gray hair, wrinkles, and all the changes the aging process brings.
The beauty standards women are expected to meet are high enough, which research, including a study from the journal Body Image, suggests contributes to body dissatisfaction. And a woman's marriage should provide solace from those impossible expectations.
There's nothing inherently wrong with someone wanting to change their appearance, but that desire should come from within, and not from their husband.
3. Be the only one who does household chores
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More often than not, marriages are still divided along traditional gender roles, which means that husbands are the main financial providers and wives are responsible for raising kids and maintaining the household, even if they work outside the home, too. Wives tend to carry more of the mental load when it comes to making sure their family life runs smoothly, which leads to exhaustion, burnout, and resentment.
According to a survey from Pew Research Center, 56% of married adults in the U.S., both with and without children, said that sharing household chores is "very important" for a successful marriage. Still, 50% of moms say they take on more household responsibilities, while 12% of fathers say they do more around the house than their wives.
Wives should never feel forced to handle all the household chores on her own. Healthy marriages are about mutual respect and equity, which is why it's so important to split chores in a way that leaves both people feeling supported.
4. Sacrifice her friendships
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A wife should never feel forced to give up her friendships for her husband. While building a bond with each other is a key part of having a strong partnership, feeling isolated from the outside world is a sign of an unhealthy marriage.
Husbands and wives should encourage each other to have separate identities, outside of their marriage. It might seem counterintuitive, but having outside friendships makes a marriage stronger. As much as you love your partner, you can't be everything to them at all times.
Friends are part of a wider support network. They offer an outlet for you, outside of your marriage. Friends help you feel more in tune to your true self, which allows you to be more present with your partner.
As licensed marriage and family therapist April Eldemire pointed out, "A relationship based on two committed yet independent people is generally healthier than a relationship built on co-dependency." Husbands and wives should stay connected to their own individual identities to help their marriage flourish and thrive.
5. Always apologize first
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In any marriage, conflict is inevitable, but a wife should never feel responsible for always apologizing first. If she's always the one to smooth things over, it's an indication that the marriage is one-sided. Not all conflicts can be solved, but both partners should be willing to approach issues with an open mind, focusing on repair over everything else.
According to research from the Gottman Institute, 69% of relationship problems are unsolvable. This doesn't mean couples should throw in the towel and just give up; rather, it means they should shift how they approach conflict, and learn to manage it, rather than avoid it or eliminate it.
The Gottman Institute noted that couples who engage in healthy conflict resolution share how they feel and explore the underlying triggers that impact their individual personal realities. They both take responsibility for causing harm, and they both apologize for it, and then they work toward healing.
6. Hide her feelings
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Open communication is crucial to having an honest, stable marriage, which is why a wife should never feel forced to hide her true emotions to please her husband. Sometimes, a wife will repress how she feels in an attempt to manage her husband's reactions. Yet pushing her emotions away denies her the chance to fully feel, which will only make it harder for her to share them later on.
As psychologist Nick Wignall pointed out, "When you run away from or try to eliminate painful emotions, you're teaching your brain that those emotions are dangerous." Having high emotional intelligence paves the way for having a successful marriage, and facing how you feel and expressing those feelings directly is part of that.
"People with high emotional intelligence validate their emotions. They identify and acknowledge their feelings," Wignall explained. "Your emotions are always valid even if they're painful or unhelpful. It's a lot easier to accept your painful emotions when you are in the habit of validating them first."
When a wife hides her feelings, she's invalidating her own experience, which is something she should never feel forced to do.
7. Neglect her well-being
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It's easy for wives to fall into a pattern of giving all their energy and attention to their family, but neglecting her own well-being is something a wife should never feel forced to do for her husband. It might seem indulgent to order take-out instead of cook, or to say "no" to plans just to take a nap, but prioritizing self-care is part of staying healthy enough to keep going.
As therapist Gloria Brame, PhD shared, the true end-goal of self care is to build up inner strength to weather life's storms.
"The optimal goal of self-care is to build your internal resources for dealing with life's stresses," she explained. "Sleeping well, getting a restful nap, making sure to move your body throughout the day, practicing gratitude, and making time for meditation all help your body and mind feel more vigorous and alive — and help you weather problems that life may throw your way."
8. Fix his problems
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Part of being in love is wanting the best for your partner, but a wife should never feel forced to fix her husband's problems for him. She can listen to her husband and offer support, but she's not responsible for managing his emotional world. He's the only one who can make his life better, if he's willing to take action and claim responsibility for himself.
We are all responsible for our own lives, even when we're married. A wife shouldn't feel like she has to be her husband's go-to fixer or his therapist. Acting as such puts undue burden on her, and takes away his agency.
In a healthy marriage, partners support each other in seeking solutions to their problems by being present and offering to listen, not by taking on problems for them.
9. Cook every meal
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In caring for her family, a wife should never feel forced to cook every single meal. Just like housework, the responsibilities of getting food on the table should be divided in an equitable way.
According to clinical psychologist Monica Vermani, couples can create equitable sharing of household responsibilities in a few ways.
"Begin by assessing the reality of how and by whom your household tasks are divided. Next, identify inequities and their impacts on your mental and physical health, and how you see them impacting your relationship," she says.
"Then, initiate an honest conversation with your partner that engages rather than blames or shames them. Work toward a shared vision of how you can begin to make changes that will support and enrich your relationship. Together, you can strive to find common ground and a healthy, fair, and supportive way forward," Vermani concludes.
At the start of the week, husbands and wives can sit down together and make a meal plan, deciding who cooks dinner on which day. They can share the mental load of making grocery lists and going shopping, and they can each take their turn making meals.
Just because a husband was raised by a mom who made every meal doesn't automatically mean his wife will show up in the same way, and expecting her to do so is inherently unfair.
10. Give up her alone time
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A wife should feel entitled to spend time on her own and she should never feel forced to give up her alone time for her husband.
The longer someone is in a relationship, the easier it is for them to lose sight of who they are and what's important to them. Yet a wife's independent identity is just as important as her marriage, which is why she should prioritize spending time on her own.
She should feel free to carve out a few hours each week for whatever hobby or activity nourishes her most. Tending to her mind, body, and spirit will lead her to feel more like herself, which means she can show up as her true self in her relationship.
11. Act like someone she's not
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In a good marriage, a wife can show up as her authentic self without fear of judgment or ridicule from her husband. She should never feel forced to act like someone she's not, just to please him or keep the peace.
Locating your authenticity and channeling it into your everyday life takes deep inner work and self-awareness. As couples counselor Susan Saint-Welch shared, "In order to be content and happy with your life, you must first find your true, authentic self."
Saint-Welch further explained, "Finding yourself means becoming aware of those around you, what makes you happy and what does not, and when you feel good about yourself and when you don't."
The only way to know ourselves more deeply is to take time to ask ourselves questions about what we value and how we want to live.
"Knowing your true self is a journey," Saint-Welch concluded. "You will likely continue to change in the future. Don't be afraid to be who you really are. The right people around you will truly want you to be happy and healthy."
Alexandra Blogier, MFA, is a staff writer who covers psychology, social issues, relationships, self-help topics, and human interest stories.