3 Things You Need To Seriously Consider Before Getting Back With Your Ex
Be honest with yourself before you even think about letting them back into your heart.
freemixer / Getty Images Signature via Canva Do you have a former love that you can’t quite get over? Are you considering getting back together? Many of us do.
In a study of almost 800 young adults around age 20, about half reconciled with an ex after an initial breakup. In addition, over half continued to have a sexual relationship with their ex after breaking up.
If you’ve recently gone through a breakup, it’s really common to think about reconciling with your ex. You may find yourself reminiscing about the blissful moments you shared. Missing them. Thinking about them. Struggling to find your identity without them. Even selectively forgetting why you broke up!
Much of this is because of the nature of breakups—they can shift your lifestyle, self-concept, or even your home in the blink of an eye. Even if you want to end the relationship, breakups can be emotionally heartbreaking and lead you to question your choices.
So, should you reach out to your ex? Is it time to get back together and try again? Can you rekindle with an old flame? Is there really such a thing as “starting anew” with the same person?
Although the answers to these questions are complex and depend on your specific situation, it’s really important to ask yourself some direct questions about your motivation to get back together.
3 Things You Need To Seriously Consider Before Getting Back Together With Your Ex
1. Why did you break up?
There is a reason that your relationship didn’t work the last time you dated — maybe many reasons!
So, before getting back with an ex, honestly think about what led to your breakup.
What caused the split? Why did your relationship ultimately not work? Try to identify exactly what led your relationship to end the last time you dated.
2. Has anything meaningful changed since your breakup?
If your next relationship with your ex is going to work, it’ll only be because something has changed. One or both of you must have shifted and evolved about the issues that broke you up in the first place (as in, your answers to question 1 above must have been addressed!).
So, have you changed in ways that lead you to believe it will be different this time? Has your ex changed? Have you adequately addressed what didn’t work the last time you were together?
If you haven’t, I would think twice before you try to reconnect.
3. What’s motivating you to get back together?
Since breakups can be so jarring and disruptive to your life, you must understand why you want to get back together.
What’s your motivation to rekindle this relationship? Is it because you really love your ex? Because you think they are a great person and you want to make it work? Is it because you’re lonely? Bored? Feeling lost without them? Don’t know who you are or what to do with your life now that they’re gone?
If your desire to get back together is coming from an unhealthy place in you, like you’re struggling to overcome early childhood attachment issues or don’t think you could find anyone else, I would pause before you try to get back together.
The truth is, like all relationships, navigating love interests — current and former — can be very tricky.
If you’re hoping to start anew with an ex, remember that it’s not really like starting a new relationship.
Because now you have an understanding and history with your ex that will influence your dynamic in the future. That said, it’s possible to develop a new relationship with your ex that’s functional and healthy as long as something has shifted.
If you do try to start anew, start by being clear about what didn’t work in the past and clearly shift your expectations, behavior, and lifestyle to address it.
Cortney Warren, Ph.D., ABPP, is a clinical psychologist and adjunct professor of psychiatry at the University of Nevada Las Vegas (UNLV). She is also the author of Letting Go of Your Ex and Lies We Tell Ourselves.