10 Non-Obvious Things That Can Trigger An Affair, Backed By Research
Some people have affairs for truly surprising reasons.
Rido | Canva You see, most philanderers — particularly those who cheat on their spouses after years of being loyal via a long-term affair — claim that they never really would have imagined themselves to be cheaters.
Affairs are not excusable, regardless of why they were started. Frankly, my best advice is to dump the cheater immediately. But dumping them alone doesn’t make people feel that good right when they find out they were betrayed. Most of us end up wondering “Why?”
There’s often a specific tipping point that makes people decide that they should throw out their partner’s trust and get into an affair. Ever wonder what is that specific thing that can trigger an affair?
Here are the non-obvious things that can trigger an affair:
1. They turned a "9" age
The ages 29, 39, and 49 tend to mark the end of a decade, and in many peoples’ eyes, marks the end of the era. Most people are terrified of getting older, and when they hit a nine age, it sinks in. Statistically, a 2019 study concluded that this is one of the most common times people start to cheat; the reason is that they want to know they still have it.
2. They are about to hit a major relationship milestone
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A lot of affairs get triggered by major life milestones, such as an engagement, the birth of a child, or marriage. The reason why is that men and women both tend to want that “final hurrah” of freedom before they take the plunge.
Life events triggering affairs can be explained by the concept of emotional triggers, where significant stressful situations like job loss, relationship conflict, or a major life transition can lead individuals to seek external validation or escape through an affair, often stemming from feelings of insecurity, low self-esteem, or a lack of emotional fulfillment within their primary relationship.
However, a 2024 Frontiers in Psychology study explained that not everyone will react to stressful life events by having an affair; personal factors like values, coping mechanisms, and relationship quality play a significant role.
3. They feel ashamed about themselves or have deep-seated insecurities
Shame is a surprising motivator for a lot of people. Simply put, if they feel ashamed of the way they look, insecure about their position in the world, or if they feel ashamed because of their partner’s actions, they often will try to find a way to retaliate or compensate for that shame. In some cases, this may include cheating, emotional abuse, or other kinds of behavior.
4. It’s Mother’s Day
Wait, what? Yep, it’s true. Most married women who stray tend to do so because they feel unappreciated and it’s often a particularly bad Mother’s Day or one too many ignored anniversaries that makes them decide to stray.
How do we know this? Ashley Madison signups spike during this day, and the company itself said so. When a woman feels unappreciated in a relationship, it can trigger an affair by creating a deep emotional void that she may seek to fill with attention, validation, and a sense of value from someone outside the relationship.
A study published in Family Process found this often leads her to seek out someone who appears more interested or invested in her emotions and needs. A woman may develop a strong emotional bond with someone who actively listens and validates her feelings, even if it's not a physical affair.
5. They have a work spouse
There’s a scientific reason why people cheat with their “work spouses.” It’s called the Proximity Principle, and it means that people naturally find those who they see regularly as more attractive than total strangers. That being said, it’s still his fault if he has an affair, and it’s not healthy to monopolize his time.
6. They feel slighted by their partner
A lot of people who may have felt slighted by their partners will never admit that they feel hurt by them and will often resort to passive-aggressive behavior as a way to hurt their partner on the down low.
This is most commonly done by women who caught their spouses having an affair, but it can happen with all genders. A revenge affair, also known as malevolent infidelity, is motivated by a strong desire to hurt or retaliate against a partner who has cheated or significantly wronged them.
2018 research found that it is often fueled by intense anger, feelings of betrayal, and a need to restore the perceived power balance within the relationship. This motivation is rooted in the psychology of wanting to inflict pain on the other person to feel a sense of vindication, even if it means harming oneself in the process.
7. Their friends are having an affair
It’s true. The habit of having an affair is contagious. Studies showed that men who have friends who are cheating on their wives are far more likely to cheat, too. The reason why is that these kinds of friends tend to reduce the stigma of cheating.
8. They got a high-paying job
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Studies show that people who tend to earn very high salaries are more likely to end up cheating on their partners. Why? Because they feel that they “deserve” to have a side piece for providing for their primary partner.
9. They felt alone in the relationship
The majority of women (and a large portion of men) who admitted to cheating did so because they felt that their partner no longer cared about their feelings or because the relationship they were in stopped being rewarding.
Common reasons that trigger affairs that fall into this category include an unsatisfying intimate relationship, being stuck in a rut, and being emotionally abused by their primary partner. A BMC Psychology study found that feeling alone in a relationship, even when with a partner, can stem from a variety of psychological factors, including poor communication, unmet emotional needs, attachment issues, past relationship trauma, lack of intimacy, and a perceived disconnect between partners, leading to a sense of isolation despite being in a committed relationship.
10. They suddenly lost a lot of weight
If your partner has been getting a lot more fit, watch out. Losing a significant amount of weight has been linked to a spike in having affairs. This is because people who have just started to lose weight often find themselves with more attention from the opposite gender. If they aren’t used to it, they may end up having an affair simply because of the thrill of having not one, but two people show interest in them.
Ossiana Tepfenhart is a writer whose work has been featured in Yahoo, BRIDES, Your Daily Dish, Newtheory Magazine, and others.