7 Old-Fashioned Things Millennials Refuse To Do Anymore In Their Marriages
Marriage norms from the past are for marriage issues of the past.
Brooke Cagle | Unsplash Time flies, people change, and generations establish new norms. Millennials looking to marry or start a long-term relationship have looked at the past and found some old-fashioned ideas. Previous generations developed and perpetuated these relationship ideals based on the issues being faced in those times. Yet, times change, people change, and the way we build relationships adapts to those changes.
Reflecting on her marriage experience, Lara Dotson-Renta, PhD explains, "A marriage is a universe unto itself, not a reflection of others. Even as we stumbled, we still grabbed for each other mid-fall, and so we kept going. Marriage is continual change and renewal — or it dies. And so, a marriage is made not in the public moments like the wedding day, but in the little ones that draw us closer or farther apart, the fragments that you protect from the world because they're yours alone."
Here are old-fashioned things millennials refuse to do anymore in their marriages:
1. They won't be beholden to a legal document
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Millennials generally don't get tied down into the existing legal structure of the way marriages and common law work by limiting their sense of individuality, freedom, and independence financially. Commitment has become more about keeping your power and having trust, respect, freedom to be yourself, and personal responsibility rather than duty or loyalty, as supported by research from Smith College.
— Carolyn Hidalgo, Executive Soul Coach
2. They won't be in a marriage that isn't emotionally fulfilling
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Millennials' embrace of equality and emotional well-being is changing conventional marriage patterns. They reject the idea of a single breadwinner, advocate shared financial obligations, and want to divide housework according to mutual convenience instead of following conventional gender norms.
They value uniqueness and support personal development and freedom in relationships, therefore resisting society's demands to fit out-of-date expectations, including marriage by a certain age or completing prescribed spousal responsibilities.
Research from The Washington Post suggests millennials value emotional fulfillment and mental health more than previous generations. Hence, they are less ready to stay in unpleasant marriages because of stigma. They also stress treatment and honest communication as they understand the need to attend to emotional issues and enhance their relationships.
— Sidhharrth S Kumaar, Life & Relationship Coach
3. They won't stand for a partner who doesn't help
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In addition to being emotional caretakers, women are also relied upon to keep their household running and ensure that their family has everything they need. According to research from UCLA, a mental load refers to the emotional and cognitive effort it takes to manage a home. It's often invisible, behind-the-scenes work, which makes it difficult to quantify, yet various studies from the American Psychological Association have shown that women carry the mental load more often than men do.
Carrying the mental load is work that never ends since it's directly connected to the lives and well-being of loved ones. It has no defined boundaries, existing as a running loop of tasks to tend to in women's minds. Carrying the mental load means lying awake at night, wondering if your kids need new shoes. It means remembering to answer emails their teacher sent and deciding what gift to buy for the hundreds of birthday parties they're invited to.
While husbands might offer to pick up groceries on the way home, it's wives who are responsible for noticing what's needed. They're the ones writing out the grocery list and fielding questions about which brand of yogurt to buy. Most likely, they're the ones performing the practical labor that accompanies the mental load, as well. They cook dinner and, make sure the kids eat their vegetables and clean the kitchen.
Most often, women who carry the mental load hit a breaking point because they're so depleted. Yet they still have to ask for their husband's help and outline what he needs to do to be helpful, which means they're still carrying the mental load, even when they reach out for support.
Millennial wives want their husbands to help out without being asked, which is something they're not currently getting in their marriages.
— Alexandra Blogier, Author
4. They don't necessarily assume traditional gender roles
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Millennials tend to reject the assumed roles, like cooking or yard and car maintenance, that previous generations embraced. Part of the shift came with a much-needed end to specific gender roles, confirms research from The Journal of Psychosociological Research in Family and Culture.
Unfortunately, the need for shared responsibilities, which get negotiated and renegotiated, can also be lost and, with it, true co-creation.
The need for independence can leave a gaping hole where co-creation is done with no specified objectives where serendipitous creations are produced can become too far and too few between. The sense of something missing sadly sneaks up on these couples, and the value of their partnership is lost. Too much independence robs any couple from the joy and bliss of true co-creation.
— Larry Michel, AKA The Love Shepherd, Founder of the Institute of Genetic Energetics
5. They don't think abusive spouse humor is funny
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They don't make mean jokes about their spouses or their in-laws. The old "take my wife...please" joke was once popular, as were savage jokes about mother-in-laws. Research from The Ethical Theory and Moral Practice Journal shows how such mockery of women is no longer acceptable. Indeed, Millennials often view them as crass and thoughtless. Millennials are mindful to avoid hurtful jokes, particularly when it comes to family members.
— Gloria Brame, Ph.D., Therapist
6. They don't accept staying in unsatisfying marriages
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A study in The Journal of Constructivist Psychology explores how millennials will not stick around in a relationship just because that's what everyone expects them to do. If they are miserable in the relationship, then they will end it - whether that means filing for divorce or separating. Older generations had a much higher threshold for suffering. And millennials don't see the point of staying in a painful relationship.
— Jennifer S. Hargrave, The Compassionate Divorce Attorney, Hargrave Family Law
7. They don't rush to get married
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In a culture that puts a high price tag on youth, we've forgotten that the best time of our lives starts later. Just as a fine wine ages over time, we become more interesting, self-aware, and secure in who we are as we age. We also become better lovers. Finding love and marriage when we're older means we're more likely to find a partner who's truly the right fit for us, as shown in research from The Marriage & Family Review.
— Lauren Brim, Life coach
The times have changed, and as for Millennials, so have their relationships. The changes regarding what is acceptable and considered healthy in a marriage are becoming more equitable with each generation.
As long as we keep on looking to the path ahead, we won't let our interpersonal skills get bogged down by past norms and reactions to relational issues, so we don't descend back into the problems of past generations.
Will Curtis is a creator, editor, and activist who has spent the last decade working remotely.