9 Surprising Ways You're Sabotaging Your Love Life
You should be questioning why you're still single.
Juan Pablo Serrano | Canva If you've been looking for love and haven't found it yet, it's time to consider how you perceive dating. You may not realize how certain things can impact your chances of finding "the one."
When I turned 40 and decided to get serious about finding a husband (which I did!), I questioned what could be contributing to my single status. I had never considered the role my perception played in not being married.
Here are 9 surprising ways you're sabotaging your love life:
1. You're letting your heart shut down.
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I allowed a breakup from my 20s to shut down my heart. As a result, I never did much to meet men; the few men I met were unappealing or uninterested in me.
My heart was not open to protect myself from being hurt again. Once I realized this, I took steps to let go, heal, and build up my confidence to get out and date again.
A 2021 study on self-esteem found that it often involves self-reflection, identifying personal strengths, practicing positive self-talk, gradually exposing oneself to dating situations, and utilizing cognitive techniques like visualization to manage anxiety while addressing underlying negative beliefs about oneself and dating.
2. You're dating like it's a business.
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Your business success can work against you in love. This is not because success is a turn-off but because a business mindset can make you appear task-focused or intolerant, leaving little room for romance.
To turn this around, use your "get it done" attitude to practice being friendly, smiling, and finding things to laugh about. These steps will improve your happiness and make you the star of the social scene.
Findings on this concept published by the Encyclopedia of Couple and Family Therapy suggest that people evaluate relationships based on a cost-benefit analysis. This approach is similar to assessing a business deal: looking for a balance between what one puts in and receives in return. This approach can be applied to dating by considering factors like effort, compatibility, and mutual benefits.
3. You're being shallow.
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You might fantasize about a handsome person thriving with lots of money. However, if your main criteria for a partner require style, status, or money, you might choose people who fit your fantasy but aren't compatible in reality.
Take time to think about the other values that matter, such as your family-oriented attitude. Are you marriage-minded? Are you happy in your life? Are you caring and sharing? These qualities are more likely to land you a lover you will get along with for the long term.
4. You're throwing yourself at them.
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There is a double standard for women that still exists. If you sleep with someone too quickly, are too available, and cancel plans to be with them, they may consider you "too easy."
As illogical as it sounds, dating is a game that requires strategy. A person gets invested when they have to work to win you over. The willingness to work to win your love also shows they are worth investing time in to build a relationship.
A 2018 study found that the perception of too easy often focuses on cognitive fluency, where tasks readily processed by the brain are perceived as simple. This can sometimes lead to boredom or a lack of engagement, impacting self-efficacy and motivation depending on the context. This can be seen in situations like learning new skills, where an overly easy initial stage might require more challenges for optimal development.
5. You're using a shopping list of standards.
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You have a mile-long list of characteristics for your partner and are insistent about each item. Of course, you deserve the best, but are you being realistic?
Men and women are human. Perfection does not exist. Being too picky is a great way to stay single.
The solution is to narrow your list to five "must-haves." Choose the real deal breakers for you.
Then, loosen up a bit and get to know a few men. Quality guys will often surprise you in a good way if you only give them half a chance.
6. You don't know what you want.
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Women have so many reasons not to respect men when men fall into the trappings of patriarchial society. However, spending too much time complaining about these types of men when you want a relationship is not the path to love.
So, look at the men who inspire your complaints or are uncomfortable facing the reality of how many men treat the women they date. You don't want to waste your time with those guys.
My advice is to think about men you know who have qualities you admire. Make a list of what you appreciate about these men, compare it to the items on your deal breakers list, and use these qualities to help guide you. Attracting a good partner requires good boundaries about the not-so-great men out there.
A 2021 study indicates that people often need help identifying what they want in a romantic partner. Studies show a significant disconnect between stated preferences and actual partner selection, particularly when faced with real dating scenarios. This phenomenon is often attributed to factors like the difficulty of predicting future happiness, the influence of immediate attraction, and the tendency to adjust standards based on the individuals they encounter during dating.
7. You're only focusing on your own needs.
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You could be so self-absorbed you don't notice what's going on with others or the person you are dating. When you only focus on meeting your needs, you may end up in relationships where your partner disappears, stops calling for no reason, or often fights with you.
Yes, you are important, but for a relationship to work, it does take two. To keep your lover happy and interested, occasionally do something nice for them and tell them how much you appreciate them. That goes a long way with anyone.
8. Your schedule is too busy.
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Telling a potential lover you are super busy when you first meet can be a huge turn-off. You want someone available, and almost everyone feels the same way. In addition, if you are super busy, you probably aren't making time to be dating.
If you don't have time to date, you don't have time for love. If finding a romantic partner is your priority, put it on your calendar.
A 2011 study on relationship commitment indicates that it's a key factor in relationship stability and satisfaction. It encompasses a conscious decision to invest in a partner and work towards a shared future, often involving trust, loyalty, and a willingness to compromise. Key theories like the Investment Model highlight the role of satisfaction, comparison level, and investment size in determining commitment levels within a partnership.
9. You ignore the red flags.
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Many people say they saw red flags when dating but ignored them. Or they thought things would get better once they fell in love. However, problems don't improve with time.
You never will if you don't like what you see in the first three dates. Don't push away the warning signs that you are getting involved with the wrong person.
List these red flags if you tend to attract people with similar flaws. When you notice more than one of those signs, it's time to rethink the person you're dating since they are probably not the right one for you.
Be honest with yourself. If any of these dating rules for women apply to your love life, take steps to resolve them to improve your chances for love. Attracting love is possible for you, provided you know the signs.
Research published in Family Process suggests that people often ignore red flags in relationships due to a combination of factors, including denial, positive illusions about their partner, a desire to maintain the relationship, fear of being alone, and sometimes even past experiences that normalize unhealthy behaviors, leading to potential harm if not addressed. Our brains may prioritize maintaining the relationship over acknowledging warning signs.
Ronnie Ann Ryan is an Intuitive Coach, Past Life Reader, and author of six books. She’s the creator of the free audio course How to Ask the Universe for a Sign and Get an Answer Within 24 Hours. She's been published on ABC, BBC, and NPR.