12 Things Marriage Actually Is — And 12 Things You Can Stop Pretending It Should Be
Forget the fairy tales — this is what marriage really looks like.
Daniil Lobachev | Unsplash Twenty-four years of marriage. That’s what last Saturday meant for me. We had celebrated earlier so I didn’t remember until I was driving to work. I called him. I told him how much I loved him. I got grocery store flowers when I got home, beautifully arranged, by the way. (Whatever did we do without grocery store flowers?)
Between being a marital therapist, a clinical psychologist, and my own experience, I have learned a few things. Since I'm on year #24, I’ve divided them into 12s, just to be cute.
Here are 12 things to stop pretending marriage should be:
1. Marriage is not for the weak
It’s hard work. It’s hard work. Marriage involves navigating disagreements, adapting to each other's personalities, and facing ups and downs together.
2. Marriage is not about getting what you want all the time
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It’s not a dictatorship. It’s not wanting to win all the time because that would mean the other person would lose all the time. Maybe okay for you, but not good for the marriage.
3. Marriage is not rocket science
The principles it’s based on are pretty simple: Kindness. Respect. Loyalty. That kind of thing. It contrasts the idea of marriage being incredibly difficult or requiring specialized training with the notion that it's achievable through effort and understanding.
4. Marriage is not unfashionable
Even the biggest celebrities get married, after all. Studies have shown that married adults often report higher levels of relationship satisfaction, trust, and closeness compared to those living with an unmarried partner.
5. Marriage is not in and of itself stimulating
Since you're with the same person for a long time, the two of you can get into a rut. You have to keep things fresh. Individuals and relationships change over time, and what was once stimulating might become mundane if not consciously addressed.
6. Marriage is not about collecting things
The joys of marriage aren’t tangible. You live them. That’s what makes them so very special. This perspective emphasizes that marriage should be more than accumulating assets or property.
7. Marriage is not for the impatient
Some of the best stuff takes a while to develop. You have to stick around to find that out. The idea is that marriage shouldn't be seen as a solution to underlying issues like loneliness or discontentment but rather as a space for growth and deeper connection.
8. Marriage is not a place for criticism or abuse
If it's found there, it will ruin any chance of true intimacy or trust and dissolve the hope that once might have existed. Criticism can escalate into contempt, a destructive behavior that damages relationships. Research suggests that criticism is a major predictor of divorce.
9. Marriage is not a 24-hour repair shop
Your marital partner is not supposed to meet your every need. Some of those needs you may have to take care of yourself. Through your friendships or other activities.
10. Marriage is not self-sustaining
It does not thrive on its own. If all you focus on is the kids, you're making a mistake. Marriage requires external support and resources beyond the couple themselves to flourish, often emphasizing the importance of faith, community, or societal structures.
11. Marriage is not boring
Two lives woven together can be quite exciting. There’s just something about watching someone very different from you, living their life in an extremely different way. Up close and personal. You learn from that.
12. Marriage is not without conflict
Knowing how to disagree and work through anger and disappointment is probably the key to lots of stuff going well. Getting to that cooperating, mentioned in #2. Research by The University of Oklahoma explained that healthy conflict can allow couples to understand each other better, communicate their needs, and work toward solutions.
Here are 12 things that marriage actually is:
1. Marriage has the potential for an intense, deep, and diverse intimacy
Intimate, emotional, and relational. Open and honest communication, a hallmark of intimacy, allows couples to better understand each other's needs and resolve conflicts.
2. Marriage is knowing someone has your back
You have theirs. It’s about interdependence. This belief implies that you can be vulnerable and honest with your partner, knowing they will listen and offer support without judgment.
3. Marriage is realizing that you have been seen in your worst times and that you're still loved
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There’s an overriding sense of gratitude and security. At its core, marriage can be a space where individuals feel safe to be their true selves, flaws and all. This allows for genuine connection and understanding between partners.
4. Marriage is sharing old jokes
Or a story that may be told over and over, but it still makes you laugh until you're left gasping for breath. Research by Utah State University found that sharing big and small stories helps deepen the emotional connection and strengthens the bond between partners.
5. Marriage is getting teary-eyed together
Because even the most stable of marriages need a good sentimental cry. Marriage involves navigating life's ups and downs, creating a shared history, and strengthening the emotional connection.
6. Marriage is thinking about the other one not being there anymore
And not being able to think about it. This belief often stems from the idea that marriage signifies a profound and lasting bond between two people, where the absence of one partner is unimaginable and deeply unsettling.
7. Marriage is getting irritated by the things that always irritate you
Have irritated you for 24 years, will irritate you for 24 more. And tolerating it because it's way over-balanced by the good stuff.
8. Marriage is not being able to wait to get home to share some little something
And no, it's not about codependency. In this context, a 2013 study explained that marriage is a place of refuge and comfort, where individuals can find solace and a sense of belonging.
9. Marriage is wishing you were the one having the operation
Or the illness. Not him. The phrase 'in sickness and in health' is a core part of many marriage vows, signifying a commitment to support and love a partner regardless of their health status.
10. Marriage is sometimes fighting
Trying to slowly learn to fight more fairly. To apologize. To listen. To learn. To find a resolution. The key is not whether couples fight but how they fight. Healthy arguments involve open communication, respect for each other's perspectives, and a willingness to compromise. Unhealthy fighting can lead to resentment, damage trust, and weaken the relationship.
11. Marriage is about vulnerability
Giving someone the right to hurt or disappoint you. While simultaneously giving that someone the opportunity to bring you tremendous joy and laughter.
12. Marriage is a promise
A vow to try the hardest you have ever tried in your life. Marriage is a place for the achievement of personal integrity like no other. The promise of marriage is a promise to love, cherish, and support each other through all seasons of life and to build a life together.
Dr. Margaret Rutherford is a clinical psychologist whose work has been featured on HuffPost, Psych Central, Psychology Today, The Good Men Project, The Gottman Blog, and others.
