6 Things Gen-X Was Taught About Marriage That Would Make Gen-Z Roll Their Eyes
Gen-X marriages were more focused on repairing than preparing. Gen-Z knows better.
Dean Drobot | Pexels As Gen-X rapidly approaches and enters the years traditionally considered "retirement age," many are realizing the marriage models they promoted might not be the best. In their earlier years, Gen-X cast an eye of doubt at the frumpy old Baby Boomers and their outdated ideas of marriage.
But now Gen-X is becoming the frumpy older generation, and younger generations can't help but occasionally roll their eyes at the outdated ideas Gen-X thought were good for a marriage.
Here are things Gen-X was taught about marriage that would make Gen-Z roll their eyes:
1. 'Never go to bed angry'
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Reconciling a disagreement before bed might seem like the path to a peaceful sleep and a happy marriage, but this doesn’t always lead to bliss, advises personal development coach Lisa Petsinis. Anger, though uncomfortable, can be a signal of what’s important to you. Rather than fearing it, couples can benefit from acknowledging their emotions and working through them.
When emotions are high, trying to force a resolution can escalate the conflict, leading to hurtful words or one partner suppressing their needs to avoid further friction. Instead, agreeing to a cool-off period allows both individuals an opportunity to reflect, regain composure, and approach the discussion with a clearer mindset.
You might introduce this idea by saying, “I love you and I want us to have a productive conversation about this. Can we revisit it tomorrow after dinner when we’ve both had time to think?” This approach reassures your partner, sets a specific time limit, and fosters a constructive resolution.
2. 'One person will meet all your needs'
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Divorce mediator Jennifer Stanton Hargrave has observed how Gen X’ers were raised in a community of failed marriages. Where divorce had been the exception before the 1970s, it became the norm for many of my peers as we grew up in the 1970s and 1980s. As my friends shlepped their stuff back and forth between our parents’ houses, many of us wondered whether marriage would be worth it when we grew up. The notion that one person would meet all your needs was romantic. Remember the line from Jerry Maguire where the girl tells the boy, “You complete me.”
But we’ve learned that one person should never be saddled with the responsibility of meeting your needs. In fact, after years of therapy, personal coaching, and enlightenment, the truth is that no one else is responsible for making you a complete person.
That is your work and yours alone! If you are miserable in your relationship, your parents probably taught you to blame the other person for your misery. This destructive pattern gives other people way too much power over your life.
While in fact, staying in a relationship with someone who causes you misery is not healthy either, if you leave that relationship without changing yourself it’s more than likely that the misery will follow you to your next relationship!
It’s a great investment to spend time learning how to enjoy your life. And odds are, you will likely find you enjoy the people you’re surrounding yourself with when you are in a better place! Two complete people in a relationship make for a much better marriage!
3. 'Love will be enough'
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Marriage counselor Mary Kay Cocharo says as a Gen-Xer, I was taught to believe I should marry whoever I fell in love with and our love would be enough to sustain a multi-decade marriage. False!
It takes much more than love. Modern couples seem to understand marriage also requires deep respect, friendship, compatibility, similar life goals, shared activities and interests, mutual friends, shared values, and more!
4. 'Every relationship is dysfunctional'
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Gen X grew up with a high rate of parental divorce, points out therapist Gloria Brame. Their experience as children of broken marriages boosted their determination to marry for life. Their commitment to parenting may be one reason, but generational attitudes are a big piece of it as well. As a result, many Gen X'ers have clung to dysfunctional marriages and tried to sweep their problems under the rug, often for the sake of their kids.
Although the numbers are shifting slightly as they accept that divorce is somewhat normal, they remain one of the least likely generations to file for divorce, with only 18 out of 1000 Gen X marriages breaking up, according to divorce statistics. Their parents, the Boomers, are the generation most likely to get divorced, with the rate of later-life divorces (known as "Gray Divorce") tripling in the past several years.
5. 'Marry young'
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Brame continues to break down Gen-X marriage norms by stating how people are less inclined to follow the old approach of marrying young so you have many years ahead of you to have children. Today's couples are more inclined to wait until they either have established careers before getting married or may live with a partner first to be sure they want to make things permanent.
These are modern strategies to avoid regrets about marrying too young and feeling financially stable enough to start a family. Today's couples are facing huge economic pressure that prevents them from buying homes at a young age, so it makes sense they want to wait and save up money for down payments.
However, Boomers and Gen-Xers may still pressure younger generations or roll their eyes at people in their late 20s and 30s for "wasting" their fertile years because, in their generation, having children was a greater priority than the long-term quality of married life.
6. 'Repair instead of prepare'
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Gen-X distinguished itself from the Baby Boomers by changing the focus to personal growth, emotional awareness, and counseling when there are challenges or unhappiness at home, observes marriage counselor Larry Michel. Boomers were raised, and taught Gen-X, to sacrifice for the spouse, kids, or stability of the partnership, essentially "deal with it" when things got sticky.
Gen X then fully embraced a "therapy Culture" that sadly these days is more focused on repair work, rather than being prepared for a lasting partnership, as Millennials and younger generations have adopted.
Gen-Z came of age in a world of easily accessible information and that information has challenged the ideas of how to maintain long-lasting marriage and relationships. The changing ways to approach marriage have taken many of the things Gen-X was taught and tossed them out to window.
The Gen-X marriage helped change the way we looked at relationships, but the Gen-Z relationship has taken another shift in perspective to create an idea of marriage more focused on preparing instead of repairing.
Will Curtis is a creator, editor, and activist who has spent the last decade working remotely.