6 Things That Feel Good In The Short-Term But Hurt Marriages In The Long-Run, According To Psychology

What do we give up for a moment of pleasure, a moment of peace, a moment leveraged to make ourselves look good to others?

Humans naturally seek comfort and pleasure, but our social bonds and responsibilities to others are more valuable and sustainable. Even in committed marriages, a spouse can choose to pursue a temporary good and forget the hurt will resonate far into the future of their relationship.

Here are things that feel good in the short term but hurt marriages in the long run:

1. Opening the marriage

Woman stands between two men and leans on both their shoulders PhotodriveStudio via Shutterstock

Having seen the end of many marriages, divorce attorney Jennifer Hargrave explains, "In my experience in working with divorcing couples, "opening" the marriage to include other physically intimate partners hurts marriages in the long run. Research from The American Psychological Association (APA) suggested how feelings of jealousy and resentment fester, and I've not seen it work well for a marriage."

2. Making yourself into someone you're not to attract a partner

Man who is faking it rolls his eyes while hugging woman Pheelings Media via Shutterstock

Authenticity and intimacy are bound together, couples counselor Aline Zoldbrod explained, "Never, make yourself into someone you are not to attract your mate. It backfires. Don’t act like you like jazz when you like classical, for instance. Don’t act like you like football when you hate it, et cetera.

"The most fascinating part of being a psychologist is people sharing their secrets. I have seen numerous successful instances of women presenting themselves in a false way to appeal to a particular man. Men do this too, most commonly acting like they have more financial success than they do.

"In one case, a woman, let’s call her Cindy, was wildly attracted to a bright, wealthy, athletic mountain climber she thought would be good marriage material. So she went on some day hikes with him, won his heart, he fell for her, they married, and then, for their honeymoon, she went with him to climb Mount Kilimanjaro.

"They had a few kids. She continued to pretend she loved to hike, and he kept pushing for more and more adventuresome hikes. She never went on another big hike with him. Eventually, she had to ‘fess up to her deception. He was so devastated by her deviousness that he could not forgive her. He lost trust. They divorced. The truth always comes out.

"During the stage where two people are wildly in love, their attraction is altered as if they are on drugs. The passion to just be together is the glue that holds them tight. But over the next six months to two years, as brilliant anthropologist Dr. Helen Fisher proved, the powerful hormonal brew diminishes.

"Having interesting activities, passions, and interests in common that you weave into your daily lives becomes the cornerstone of emotional intimacy and connection, a way to have excitement throughout the rest of your lives. So please, don’t fake who you are to marry someone. It won’t work, period."

3. Searching for someone to blame

Woman points her finger in blame MDV Edwards via Shutterstock

"It feels as if your reality, your marriage — the thing you believed in and did every day — never really existed. You feel like you’ve been living a fantasy in a house of cards. You feel duped, used, so unbelievably naive, foolish, stupid, angry, fed-up, and frightened to your core.

You grapple with looking for a reality check because you will go over and over and over the details of your marriage — every nuance, every conversation, every moment, every voice message, every email, everything — until you figure out the lies, catalog the disrespect, the lack of love all to become steady on your feet. You’re searching for blame," is how divorce coach Laura Bonarrigo has observed in the breakdown of relationships.

The search for blame drives a wedge between you and your spouse to cause more pain on both sides of the problem and leads to resentment and divorce.

Bonarrigo continues to connect the result of divorce to the quest for blame, "A common tendency after divorce is to blame one's former partner. A study from the APA found this tendency often stems from the need to make sense of a painful experience, manage negative emotions like anger and hurt, and protect one's self-esteem by assigning fault to the other person rather than taking responsibility for the relationship's breakdown. This is particularly prevalent when the divorce is perceived as unfair or sudden."

4. Sweeping conflict under the rug

Woman ignores man who doesn't want to sweep conflict under the rug PeopleImages.com - Yuri A via Shutterstock

Relationship Coach Valerie Greene understood how "many of us think that conflict will just go away if we ignore it. This is understandable. After all, if it seems like the fiery feud has died down, we probably don't want to keep stoking the flame.

"Even if it seems like the heat of the moment has combusted to just some burning embers, what we don't see is that contempt can be simmering under the surface in our partner for many months after. A study in the Journal of Family Psychology suggested contempt can lead to passive aggression and more saboteurs of the bond to which you both committed to tending."

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5. Committing emotional infidelity

Man and woman walk and have emotional talk about infidelity AnnaStills via Shutterstock

"As unfortunate as it may be, once couples get married, it’s not uncommon for them to become emotionally disconnected from one another. When this happens, at least one spouse’s needs will likely become unmet, and so they may start looking elsewhere to feel fulfilled," explained relationship coach Brad Browning.

Browning continued, "This is where emotional infidelity has the opportunity to slip into the marriage. Some people feel emotional infidelity is worse than physical cheating because it’s about more than just physical, as supported by a study in the Personality and Social Psychology Bulletin. It’s about connecting with another person on an intimate level."

6. Claiming to never fight

Man holds in his thoughts as woman talks about never fighting MDV Edwards via Shutterstock

"Too often, folks in my office proudly tell me they never fight. I look at them and often see tense, anxious, constricted, and unhappy people who are holding on to the myth of wedded bliss — what a relationship is supposed to look like, and they think not fighting is it," said couples counselor Rhoberta Shaler.

"These people fight, it's just not out loud. A study in the International Archives of Health Sciences showed how these silent sufferers have huge conversations in their heads, and likely with others who will listen, about the unfairness, the damage, the idiocy, the crassness, the thoughtlessness, and the lack of sensitivity of their partners. The look on their faces when they talk about their partners screams, ‘Pain!’ This is poison to the relationship and their health," Shaler explained.

The marital bond has a strong and adaptive ability, yet even the strongest bonds can be severed by consistent strain and wear. When faced with the choice of temporary pleasure, a quick fix, or escape from the issue at hand, remember the choice for a moment's goodness could be a slow drip eroding your love and commitment.

Will Curtis is a creator, editor, and activist who has spent the last decade working remotely.