8 Things You’re Doing That Are Secretly Keeping You Single, According To Psychology
How you scare off potential suitors without even realizing it.
Flipp Romanovski | Unsplash If you’re not thrilled about your dating prospects lately, it’s easy to blame everyone and everything else: You’re not meeting enough people. Or the people you’re meeting are liars, losers, and flakes. Or perhaps you’re disgusted with the state of modern dating. Or maybe it’s the Internet’s fault.
The good news is that you might be playing a bigger role in your lack of success than you think. It’s good news because that means you can adjust your approach and get better results.
Here are the things you do that secretly keep you single:
1. You take too long to respond to texts or emails
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You don’t have to respond to every communication immediately. But if you take a day to return a text, your match is likely to put you in the “not serious” category. Worse, you lose important momentum.
If texting feels like a chore, it’s probably a sign you’re not interested in someone. Cut bait and move on. Waiting an excessive amount of time for a text message can trigger anxiety and make some people feel insecure.
A 2020 study found that the lack of a timely response can also lead to feelings of loneliness and depression. The uncertainty of when or if a response will arrive can be frustrating and anxiety-inducing, as it takes away a sense of control and predictability.
2. You don’t show enough interest
Be careful about taking “being hard to get” too far. It’s a fact of dating that we’re attracted to people who like us. So let your feelings flow.
Tell your match what you like about them. Say if you had a great time and want to get together again. Schedule dates in advance. Show enthusiasm. Make someone excited about the prospect of getting to know you.
3. You’re not ready to date
Sometimes people need a push to get back on the dating scene after a breakup or divorce. But if you’re checking your ex’s social media feed in the bathroom during a date, you’re not going to have the emotional bandwidth to welcome another person into your life.
A 2011 study found that to know if you're ready to date again, consider your emotional state, understanding of past relationships, and ability to manage potential challenges in a new relationship. It's crucial to have fully grieved past hurts and to be able to approach the new relationship with optimism and realistic expectations.
4. You only look for your date’s flaws
If you look hard enough, you can find out what’s wrong with anyone. Are you baiting your dates with questions that reveal qualities that are unattractive to you?
For example, if you suspect that your match isn’t very athletic, it’s not helpful to ask him about his weekly exercise routine. Ask him what physical activities he enjoys in general rather than expose his daily slothfulness. Give people a chance to shine and feel good with you.
5. You believe there’s something wrong with you
If you listen to the tapes in your head telling you that you’re not lovable, you’ll radiate that energy on a date. Answer back: “I hear you, but I’m not listening to you right now.”
Deflate the power of shame by reminding yourself of all your positive qualities before you meet someone. Find your confidence.
Being single can impact one's well-being in positive and negative ways. 2023 research explained that some individuals may thrive in their independence and freedom while others may experience feelings of isolation, loneliness, or inadequacy due to societal pressures or personal experiences.
6. You assume it won’t work out
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You tell yourself “You won’t like her” or “He’ll break your heart” as you get ready for your date. Welcome to your self-fulfilling prophecy!
7. You’re never available
You don’t have time to schedule your annual doctor’s physical exam, let alone a Wednesday evening first date and a Saturday afternoon second date. Perhaps you’re juggling work travel, a child custody schedule, and a family emergency. Or you’re recovering from an illness.
Sometimes life makes it difficult to make dating a priority. Rather than fit in a date with someone every few months, take a break until your life calms down.
Being single doesn't necessarily mean someone is unhappy or lonely, and there are many reasons why people choose to be single. A 2020 study reassured that some singles prioritize freedom, independence, and enjoying their lives without the demands of a relationship, while others may be actively searching for a partner but are selective.
8. You’re not making dating a priority
You complain that dating shouldn’t be a job. Yet the task of finding a person with whom to share your life and heart should be one of the most important goals in your life.
Give it the time and attention it deserves. Send the emails. Answer the texts. Go on the dates. Give yourself a real shot at finding love. It’s kind of a big deal.
Sarah Elizabeth Richards is a journalist and the author of Motherhood, Rescheduled: The New Frontier of Egg Freezing and the Women Who Tried It. Her writing has appeared in the New York Times, the Wall Street Journal, Marie Claire, Elle, Cosmopolitan, Slate, and more.
