10 Things Boomers Were Taught About Staying Married That Gen-Z Should Takes Notes On

My wife and I recently celebrated our 54th wedding anniversary, which is, technically, impossible since I can’t possibly be more than 43 years old. Nevertheless, we have documents that attest to the fact that both of us members of the Baby Boomer generation have been married just slightly short of forever. How do people stay married for such a long time? What are our Baby Boomer secrets that younger generations like Gen-Z could take a clue from? I'm here to share.

Here are things Boomers were taught about staying married that Gen-Z could learn from:

Have no secrets

married people have no secrets to avoid divorce KAYYY B | Pexels

Confess that you were indeed the one who left the toilet seat up or ate the last chocolate chip cookie. Acknowledge that for the last 17 years you have been an undercover spy for North Korea.

A 2023 study indicates that maintaining a secret-free marriage is not ideal. While some level of privacy is healthy, keeping significant secrets from your partner can significantly harm relationship satisfaction and trust.

Secrets are often seen as a symptom rather than a cause of troubled relationships. The study also showed that individuals who keep secrets from their partners report lower relationship satisfaction and well-being.

2. Lower your expectations

married people lower their expectations to avoid divorce PeopleImages.com – Yuri A | Shutterstock

Marriage isn’t always perfect. Sometimes there will be bumps in the road. So, when there are bumps in the road, remember they are almost always your partner’s fault because you would have taken a different road, probably the interstate.

Findings from a 2018 study suggest that lowering expectations in a marriage can sometimes lead to increased happiness. This is particularly true when couples have unrealistic or overly high expectations that are difficult to meet.

Lowering expectations can create a more positive experience by making it easier to feel satisfied with the relationship. However, it's important to maintain reasonable standards and not settle for less than basic respect and healthy behaviors in a partnership.

3. Don't hold grudges

married people don't hold grudges to avoid divorce Prostock-studio | Shutterstock

But always keep one nearby in case someone asks you to do the dishes when you’d prefer to keep mindlessly scrolling Facebook. Then you can pick it up and say, sorry, I can’t, I’m holding a grudge and so my hands are full.

Research from the University of Georgia showed that married couples who practice forgiveness and avoid holding grudges tend to have significantly higher relationship satisfaction and well-being than couples who harbor resentment. Studies highlight that forgiving a partner after a conflict is key to maintaining a healthy marriage.

4. Avoid contentious subjects

married people avoid contentious subjects to avoid divorce Branislav Nenin | Shutterstock

Never discuss politics, religion, money, bathroom habits, child-raising, brothers-in-law, dishwasher loading, the stock market, or Taylor Swift. This may, however, leave you with only one safe topic: the variations in the temperature-humidity index, which everybody can easily agree is completely useless.

5. Make time for the two of you as a couple

married people make time for each other to avoid divorce insta_photos | Shutterstock

Don’t answer the doorbell unless it’s a group of paramedics racing toward you with a ventilator. Sneak off occasionally to places where you can be alone, such as the middle of Lake Erie. Hide together in the closet when your neighbors come over to ask why paramedics are milling around at your front door, hyperventilating.

On a more serious note, according to international relationship expert Erika Jordan, it's important to remember that "relationships don't thrive on autopilot."

"You have to schedule romantic dates, plan new adventures together, and make time to explore your connection," Jordan explains. "Love isn’t something that just happens to you — it’s something you build, step by step, choice by choice."

6. Remember that communication is critical

married people remember that communication is important to avoid divorce Inside Creative House | Shutterstock

At breakfast, sit directly across the table from each other and make eye contact. Then, see if you can continue to text without typos. At dinner time, check your voicemail for angry messages saying that you have forgotten to pick up your partner, who has been waiting for you at the grocery store since breakfast time.

7. Always laugh together

married people always laugh together to avoid divorce Lomb | Shutterstock

Don’t only chuckle when your partner has a dab of ketchup on her nose. Also, laugh when she throws the bottle of ketchup at you and you have it all over your forehead.

More seriously, psychologist Dr. Barbara Becker Holstein affirms this secret is a small habit that keeps a marriage going. "Laughter reminds us that much of life is worth fighting for, not fighting about," Holstein explains. "Make a mistake, admit it, and have a good laugh. See a funny cartoon [or meme], and make sure you share it with your spouse."

8. Accept and expect change

married people expect and accept change to avoid divorce Nomad_Soul | Shutterstock

Remember that people don’t stay the same forever. Sometime, they may develop bunions. And couples can laugh together at bunions because we can all agree it’s a funny word.

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9. Understand happily-ever-after doesn’t mean life together will be a fairy tale

married people understand that a happily-ever-after mean life will be a fairytaleto avoid divorce Inside Creative House | Shutterstock

Instead of a fairy tale, sometimes married life will be a collection of oblique New Yorker short stories where there are no “he said” and “she said,” and you can’t tell which spouse is speaking and which one isn’t listening.

Sometimes, married life will be a limerick, usually one ending in a word rhyming with “bucket.” Occasionally, married life will seem like a 19th-century Russian novel where everyone is named Goncharov or Karolnikov and you can’t tell what chapter you are in but still have 800 more pages to read.

10. Never go to bed angry except...

married people never go to bed angry to avoid divorce Tima Miroshnichenko | Pexels

This may mean you have to avoid sleeping for several weeks. If you get really tired, read a good Russian novel with characters named Goncharov or Karolnikov. You won’t sleep, but at least your eyes will glaze over.

My wife and I never go to sleep angry. Mostly, that’s because, after 54 years, neither of us sleeps very much anymore.

More seriously, for several years now, research has indicated that key factors for sustaining a long-term happy marriage include strong communication skills, mutual commitment, positive interactions, shared values, the ability to resolve conflict constructively, maintaining intimacy, expressing appreciation, and prioritizing individual growth while also supporting your partner's needs. Researchers like John Gottman highlight the importance of positive communication and managing negative interactions for marital success.

Neil Offen is the author most recently of "Building a Better Boomer," available wherever books are sold. He is a longtime journalist and has been a humor columnist for four decades and on two continents.