11 Things Boomer Husbands Do Regularly That Millennial Wives Would Never Tolerate
Marriage should be an equitable partnership, regardless of your age.
guys_who_shoot | Shutterstock.com Despite studies that suggest long-term relationships are most prone to conflict and separation in the first decade, and also despite a lowering divorce rate in many other age demographics, baby boomers are dissolving their marriages at much higher rates, according to the National Center for Family & Marriage Research. So, is there merit in research that suggests boomers are simply less conservative when it comes to divorce than younger generations, or are there fundamental issues with that generation's behaviors and values that are contributing to this disproportionate divorce rate? Some suggest it’s the latter, specifically arguing that there are several things boomer husbands do regularly that millennial wives would never tolerate.
From not doing their share of household labor to lacking emotional intelligence, it may be time for women, especially older women, to make clear what they truly want and need from a partner rather than tolerate misbehavior and disconnect in the hopes of maintaining a facade of tolerance and comfort.
Here are 11 things boomer husbands do regularly that millennial wives would never tolerate
1. Expect their wife to take on all household responsibilities
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Compared to boomer marriages, millennial men are much more likely to take on certain household responsibilities like chores or cooking with their wives, fostering a more equitable split of both labor.
While every “equitable” split of labor looks different depending on the couple, a study from the Journal of Marriage and Family suggests this split of responsibilities can be incredibly beneficial for physical intimacy and affection between partners.
An inequitable expectation of labor at home is one of the things boomer husbands do regularly that millennial wives would never tolerate — and while they may feel more comfortable in their misguided masculinity in the face of gendered marital stereotypes, millennial couples are more connected and better off by challenging them.
2. Make passive-aggressive comments during arguments
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While no relationship, regardless of age demographics, is perfect all of the time, many millennial couples are more committed to vulnerability and honest open communication than their boomer counterparts.
Partly influenced by societal expectations of emotional expression in marriages and a shift in the traditionally rigid “restrictive masculinity” standards, millennial men aren’t shying completely away from arguments and conflict.
Despite surveys that suggest emotional intelligence – the key driver behind open communication in relationships — gets better with age, supplemental studies, like one from Paychex, also suggest boomer men are more likely to overestimate their “EQ.” Clearly, many boomer men are still unlearning and grappling with misguided views of vulnerability — contributing towards their tendency towards anger in arguments, rather than communication, in response to lacking emotional regulation skills.
3. Assume their wife feels appreciated
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Every partner wants to feel consistently heard, appreciated, and valued by their partner, regardless of their age, but many boomer husbands forgo the little things that express their gratitude and craft intimate interactions in their marriages.
According to marriage educator Terri Orbuch, expressing gratitude consistently in a marriage is incredibly important for building trust and intimacy between partners. While boomers may be more likely to fall into a stagnant rut, especially in long-term relationships with busy families and adult children, millennial women are more likely to prioritize seeking out and expressing their need for this kind of affection.
4. Avoid co-parenting responsibilities
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Despite making the same amount of money, if not more, than their husbands, many wives are still taking on the majority of childcare responsibilities at home, according to a study from the Pew Research Center. While this trend is one that tends to affect women of all ages, especially in traditionalist marriages founded on gendered expectations, many boomer women find themselves suffering with emotional labor more often than their younger counterparts.
Although many long-term boomer marriages no longer have children in the home, it’s still common for wives to take on emotional labor with their kids — being the beacon of support, the sole communicator, and the “organizer” for family gatherings.
While this inequitable expectation of childcare is one of the things boomer husbands do regularly that millennial wives would never tolerate, it’s important that boomer women feel empowered to challenge this dynamic, especially if they’re feeling consistently overworked and emotionally drained.
5. Give up on self-improvement
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Many people in older generations of adults tend to adopt a misguided truth that after a certain age, there’s no longer any reason for them to set goals or commit themselves to self-improvement. Despite being beneficial for stagnant marriages — helping partners to show up better for each other — having goals, habits, and hobbies that add purpose to your life is just as important for millennial wellbeing as it is for their older counterparts.
According to psychotherapist Susan Saint-Welch, connecting with yourself, finding purpose, and feeding into self-improving rituals is incredibly beneficial for marriages, which is why so many millennial wives urge their husbands to adopt hobbies and invest time into the things that add value to their personal lives.
6. Dismiss their wife’s career
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Despite increasing workplace and educational ties for boomer women, many still operate in marriages founded on traditionalist gendered stereotypes like taking on the role of caretaker, both inside and outside the home. One of the things boomer husbands do regularly that millennial wives would never tolerate is a dismissal of their career goals and aspirations.
While many boomer wives may already carry household responsibilities and emotional burdens on top of their professional lives, it’s important that an equitable balance is respected — for everyone’s wellbeing.
Even if their husbands have integrated the “protector and provider” mentality into their identity and led with it in their marriages, boomer wives deserve to have a say in the professional goals, financial decisions, and household responsibilities they prioritize, in similar ways to younger generations of couples.
7. Expect their wife to carry the mental load
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According to a study from the American Sociological Review, gendered inequality around emotional labor and mental burden — like being the primary organizer at home, caring for children, or leading with emotional intelligence in conflicts — can have a negative impact on women’s wellbeing and marriage satisfaction.
While couples from all age demographics experience and perpetuate this unequal distribution, it’s more common for millennial women to call out this behavior and voice their concerns ,especially alongside more mainstream discussions and challenges of harmful gendered expectations in relationships.
Truly honest and open communication in marriages, where both partners feel importantly heard and valued, stems from balancing the emotional and mental load within the relationship. From showing affection, to voicing needs, and setting boundaries, both partners should feel empowered to lead and actively listen in their conflicts and vulnerable discussions.
8. Shy away from intentional emotional intimacy
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Part of the reason many women feel overwhelmed by mental loads in their marriage is because of the emotional detachment and lacking regulation of their male partners, especially baby boomers who’ve both grown up in a culture where emotional suppression is misguidedly associated with a kind of strength.
As millennial and Gen Z partners start to challenge these ideas — in their professional and personal relationships — the lacking vulnerability and emotional intimacy boomer wives tend to tolerate truly come to light.
Growing avoidant during vulnerable conversations and expecting their partners to constantly spark conversations about marriage expectations is one of the things boomer husbands do regularly that millennial wives would never tolerate. Just like professional work or household responsibilities, there has to be a balance.
9. Policing their wife’s friendships and alone time
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Considering the unequal distribution of childcare, household labor, and mental burdens in boomer marriages — founded on traditionalist marital ideals — it’s not surprising that many boomer husbands police their wives’ personal time. If they’re investing into friendships or spending time finding purpose in their hobbies, who’s going to do the chores? Pick up the house? Help to emotionally regulate a struggling child? Make dinner?
This perpetuation of stereotypical “wife responsibilities” are not just toxic, but incredibly harmful to marriage wellbeing, and one of the things boomer husbands do regularly that millennial wives would never tolerate.
10. Throw tantrums and have emotional meltdowns
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Whether it’s being forced to go to social events or feeling defensive in an argument, many boomer men struggle with the emotional regulation skills needed to sustain consistently productive conflicts in a long-term relationship — causing them to resort to anger, frustration, or irritability in the face of disagreements.
While millennial couples may be more likely to acknowledge the benefits of healthy communication, emotional intelligence, and balance in their relationships, partly with accessibility to the internet early in life, boomer wives struggle with tolerating their husbands behavior.
Considering many boomer women grew up amid toxic ideas like “boys will be boys” and misguided marriage expectations for women, it’s not surprising they feel guilted into tolerating misbehavior in their relationships.
11. Make financial decisions without their wife’s involvement
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While many boomer husbands believe they should adopt the role of “provider” in their marriage, it’s incredibly important for large life decisions — like making financial decisions or investments — is a shared responsibility and discussion. Regardless of who brings in the most income or works the most, a marriage is a shared partnership — where both partners should feel empowered in crafting and achieving shared goals.
A lot of the resentment that older couples experience, largely feeding into their heightened divorce rates in recent years, stems from this disconnect. Not only do they feel unheard, they’re actively missing out on the fundamental conversations that bring partners closer together — whether it’s productive arguments, conversations about the future, or financial discussions about what;’s best for their family.
Zayda Slabbekoorn is a staff writer with a bachelor’s degree in social relations & policy and gender studies who focuses on psychology, relationships, self-help, and human interest stories.