4 Things You Accidentally Do That Keep You From Falling For The Good Guy
Here's why you keep dating the same type of men.
Syda Productions | Canva You claim that there are no good men out there.
Hogwash! There are plenty of great guys actively looking for a committed relationship. The problem is in your approach, in your mindset, and in your expectations of the men you date.
The man of your dreams is handsome. He still has hair on top and his belly doesn't hang over his belt. He’s successful, attentive, and intelligent and his children live in a faraway state. You are looking for true love and you know exactly what you want and, more importantly, what you refuse to accept in a man.
But knowing what you want and finding it are two different things.
If you haven't found your dream guy just yet — you're not alone. Millions of single women just can't find "the one," and it isn't because they aren't looking. The truth is that women say they want a committed relationship but their actions and behavior actually sabotage their chances of finding true love.
Here are 4 things you do that keep you from falling for the good guy:
1. You have unrealistic expectations
Women are infamous for “The List," a column of checkmark boxes that characterize the traits and attributes that must characterize the man they will date or marry. It’s your list of must-haves and deal breakers that no man can measure up to.
You refuse to date men who don’t pass your scrutiny. You meet a great guy but you reject him because he wears the wrong shirt, or his haircut or eyeglasses are out of date, or he is a bit reserved. You close your mind to the possibility that this man is an intelligent, loving, stable “diamond in the rough” eager to be polished.
Solution: The difference between settling and keeping an open mind is knowing when your high standards morph into unrealistic, unattainable expectations.
I’m not saying lower your standards and I’m not saying you should settle for Mr. So-So, but if you want to find true love, you need to define the traits and qualities that are TRULY important to you in man and ditch your fantasy list.
2. You're toting around excess baggage
You blame your low self-esteem issues and your problems on your hurtful past. Your ex-boyfriend/husband/lover was neglectful, or he cheated on you, or he was verbally or physically abusive.
You’re untrusting, bitter, demanding, fearful and guarded. You swear you’ll never let another man get his hook into your heart and you lump all men into a cauldron of liars, cheaters, and jerks.
You’re afraid to love a man deeply because he might betray you or abandon you. When a man does show a genuine interest in you, you push him away with your insecure behavior, emotional outbursts, and hyper-criticisms.
Solution: Girl, do yourself an immense service and STOP allowing the negative, miserable thoughts and actions of others to dictate the quality of your life! You are not what happened to you in the past. You are what you choose to become today.
You need to understand that you are NOT the hyper-criticisms of your mom or the little girl whose father abandoned or abused her. You are NOT the demeaning remarks of your abusive boyfriend or husband. You are NOT the woman who drinks or does drugs to numb your emotional pain.
You are here on Earth to bless and benefit the people who truly know you appreciate you, value you, and love you for the unique and special person you are. If you can't grasp that, you need counseling to work through your emotional issues.
3. You’re attracted to the wrong men
You choose men based on feelings and impulses. You’re drawn to men who are uber-confident, aloof, provocative, and intriguing. Guys who are average-looking, considerate, dependable, and doting (aka "marriage material") are boring to you, and you pine for the bad boys who make you feel uncertain, insecure, and lovesick.
Solution: Falling in love with a good man is a conscious choice that is not based on knee-jerk attraction and tingling sensations. If you ever hope to find true love, you MUST:
- Consciously and willfully STOP dating emotionally unavailable men, bad boys, and self-absorbed jerks.
- Reject the cool guy’s disingenuous flattery and seduction and be “turned on” by a man’s kindness, dependability, and unconditional love.
- Avoid the emotional highs and lows of a love addict and seek a relationship that encourages personal growth, trust, and stability.
4. You’re noncommittal
You say you want a man in your life, but you don’t want to share your bedroom, your bathroom, or your closets with a man. You got rid of your controlling, cheating, abusive boyfriend/husband and it’s “me-time,” you assert.
You’ll accept a man’s invitation to dinner and the movies when it suits you, but an intimate relationship with him is strictly out of the question. You hold him at arm’s distance, you find something wrong with him and you dump him — or you passively-aggressively do things that cause him to break off with you. You whine to your girlfriends that you don’t have a man in your life but the reality is you’re unwilling to compromise to bring love into your life.
Solution: Quit fooling yourself because you’re not fooling me or anyone else. Admit it: you don’t want to share your heart or your space with a man. Now don’t you feel better that you can live your life unencumbered?
Nancy Nichols is a best-selling self-help, dating, and relationship author, empowerment speaker, notorious blogger, and TV and radio talk show personality. She's a woman's advocate who uses her self-help books to impart self-esteem building, the power of positive thought, relationship understanding, and personal healing.