Therapist Says 60% Of The Men She Sees Share This One Personality Type
Men with this personality type tend to be independent people with high self-esteem who prefer not to rely on others.
Andrea Piacquadio / Pexels Are you finding it difficult to open up in your relationship? Do you feel as if expressing your emotions often leaves you feeling lost and frustrated? If this is you, rest assured you're not alone!
According to one therapist, about 60% of the men she works with struggle with this one personality type.
Known as the avoidant type, clinical psychologist Dr. Angelica Shiels points out that it often shows up in men.
But why is that? And most importantly, how can they work on healing their avoidant attachment style?
The Avoidant Husband
According to The Attachment Project, "Avoidant adults tend to be independent. Their self-esteem is high and they do not rely on others for reassurance or emotional support."
60% of Shiels's male clientele falls under this specific type for a reason. To start, avoidant attachment is heavily influenced by biological factors. Those who have ADHD, autism, or auditory processing issues, are likely to develop this attachment style.
This attachment style also develops in little boys who may have cried a lot as a child. Their sensitivity causes them to become emotionally confused. So, as toddlers, all they wanted was to people please.
"Those who were highly conscious took on the persona of the golden boy," says Shiels. They did their best to make good grades and always showed up on time. With their bright persona, they became the sweet and helpful child.
However, this is dangerous as selfishness is sometimes required in life to feel content and happy. And unfortunately, these boys were never taught to balance their desires with others' expectations.
Rather, they were patted on the back and praised for being a selfless good boy.
Growing up, these boys turn into young men who follow the script. Shiels says, "Their rigid emotionally avoidant neurology seeks out rules and scripts to follow in order to be acceptable."
If you're the avoidant guy, it makes sense that stepping out of those lines could trigger some anxiety in you. To disrupt the lines would mean to question who you are — and that's terrifying.
On the other side, there's the boy who grows up with the need to please others. However, the difference is they're born with highly negative emotions and temperament. Through this, they have a difficult time remembering things or expressing their emotions.
If they grow up in a negative environment this makes their temperament worse. Constantly criticized, they begin to respond with anger and irritability. "Because of his responses, people stop attuning to them," explains Shiels.
"And when he looks for what rules to follow he begins to realize that there are none. No matter what he does he can never be the acceptable hero," says Shiels, "And the adults in his life offer no emotional or physical support. They offer no guidance or way to make sense of his emotions. So, he shuts down."
"As he gets married his partner will begin to wonder why he's so negative. They'll do their best to reach out only to be met with defensiveness or stonewalling. Through these interactions the avoidant man becomes increasingly hopeless and clueless," says Shiels.
Dealing With An Avoidant Attachment Style
So, how can these men deal with their avoidant attachment style? Managing avoidant tendencies requires exploring who you are and what you've gone through. Which is why it's crucial to seek professional help.
I know seeking professional help can feel daunting and terrifying. You don't want to look weak or feel weak. But acknowledging that you've hit a dead end and are ready to address it, speaks volumes about your resilience and character.
Honestly, you're stronger and more admirable than you might realize.
But if you can't afford therapy then try engaging in mindfulness techniques, says clinical psychologist Gina Davis. She writes, “In a nutshell, mindfulness is the practice of being fully present with whatever is happening right now…. with acceptance and non-judgment.”
"Try resetting yourself through breathing," says family therapist Sarah Picken. Set a timer for a few minutes and close your eyes. Take deep breaths and focus on the sensations you feel.
Let yourself feel them and slowly imagine them floating away. Then focus on your breathing again.
Also, incorporate journaling into your routine, says Picken. Every night take your journal out and write about the beautiful moments you've experienced today. Express your gratitude and why these moments made you feel happy.
Doing this can help you appreciate the little things more and help change your mentality.
Besides these tips you should try creating a list, says Davis. On one side write down how you can help your loved ones. Write down ways you can show support or consideration to them. Then write down how you would like to receive support from others.
Once you have the list be sure to put things into action. Discuss with your loved one's ways in which they can support you. And ask them how you can show up for them. Finding the balance will help ease your people-pleasing tendencies.
Finally, have compassion for yourself. Understand that you will make mistakes throughout your healing journey. Change your perspective and see these mishaps as necessary aspects of growth.
"Remember, no matter how much you fall, you're worthy and are doing better than you know," says Davis.
By gaining insight into your attachment style, you can navigate and overcome it, strengthening the bonds within your relationships.
Marielisa Reyes is a writer with a bachelor's degree in psychology who covers self-help, relationships, career, and family topics.