Therapist Reveals 3 Ways Well-Intentioned Women Scare Men Off Before They Even Meet
The right way to find a husband.
Aleksandra Medvedeva, Gabriella Csapo | Canva So, you've finally met a guy who is husband-material, marriage-minded, and wants to commit to you. Wow.
Now that you have this unpolished gemstone in your hand, you can either bring out the brilliance, or you can seriously waste the opportunity.
You may be tempted to rush forward, but if you do, you'll likely blow it. Here's how to safeguard a new relationship that has all the potential to be lifelong.
Here are 3 ways well-intentioned women scare men off before they even meet:
1. They get way too ahead of themselves
Adjust your attitude and keep it in check. If you're looking at him as your future husband, bring yourself back down to earth.
Even the most commitment-minded of guys will feel uneasy if you convey that you've selected him as the father of your future children, and it's only the fourth date.
When you don't yet know someone well, and you target him for marriage, it can feel to him as though he's going to be the future father of your baby rather than your soul mate.
Why? Deep down, he knows that you couldn't possibly know him well enough to love him. So when you instantly look at him with stars in your eyes, it can feel insincere, as though you only love him for his looks, his great car, or his financial success.
He's an object of desire to you, not a real person to you. An emotionally healthy guy will find that offensive and back away.
2. Don't be too overeager in your interest
Be forthcoming about what you are looking for, but don't overdo it. Once you know there's a mutual attraction, let him know that you are marriage-minded.
But tell him — and emphasize it — that you don't yet know if you are right for each other. Reassure him that it takes time to tell and that you intend to take your time.
The language of pacing a relationship over time reassures him and reinforces your intentions as well. Here are examples of the language of pacing:
"I'm interested in finding someone to share my life with, leading to marriage. I want a family, but only once I find the right person. I don't know yet if that is us, but that's why we are dating."
"I love getting to know you, and I feel something special happening."
"We don't know each other that well yet. We need to see each other when we’re not at our best and find out if we still like each other."
3. Don't rush things
Really! You can fall in love with anyone, even someone you don't share values with or like. But loving someone takes peeling away the layers.
What lasting love needs is compassion, according to Harvard Business Review research, and is a useful skill in your everyday life. You can only have compassion once you've seen him in good times and in bad, at his best and his worst.
You can't accept someone until you've both been transparent and vulnerable about who you are, warts and all.
We all have parts of ourselves that we're not particularly proud of, whether it's minor character flaws or history.
In the early stages of relationships, we put our best foot forward. As you connect on a deeper level and build trust, you begin to let down your guard and show your humanity. You gradually fall out of starry-eyed love and into real love.
Pexels / Jonathan Borba
To discover the depth of your love beyond a crush, date intentionally, but never desperately: You are consciously and openly intentional about finding the right person with whom to share your life.
You want a great relationship, but you don't need it. You are attracted to him, but you have not yet decided if he's the one. You show him you are falling for him, but you take the stance of "we'll see."
It's a balancing act: one step forward, another step back, gradually building a connection. Keep your balance, take your time, and you'll find yourself in a rewarding relationship that leads to a great marriage!
Nina Atwood is a licensed therapist and author, with over twenty years in private practice, who has a passion for helping singles find and create healthy relationships.