Therapist Describes The Only 2 Ways To Know If You're In The Right Relationship With The Right Person
It's just a matter of asking yourself the right questions — and being willing to accept the answers.
PeopleImages / Canva Pro Figuring out if you're in the right relationship with the right person can be difficult to parse. However, therapist and TikToker Flynn Skidmore said it ultimately comes down to asking yourself the right questions to determine if your relationship allows you the opportunity to grow.
The therapist shared 2 ways to know if you're in the right relationship:
Every relationship that lasts a while ultimately comes to a point when it's time to make a choice about commitment and determine if the partnership is built for the long term. But for those who've had a rocky time in life, and especially those who've been burned by love in the past, the answers to these questions can be complex.
As Skidmore put it, it's easy to be confused "because you don't know if your resistance is your intuition telling you something or if this is another instance of your unconscious relationship wounds avoiding intimacy and closeness with a great person."
Luckily, he says there are two questions you can ask yourself to quickly wade through this confusing muck so you can see the situation clearly and decide whether to commit or go another direction.
1. 'Do I feel safe to bring my wounds to the surface with this person?'
"The first thing that's super important to understand is that a great relationship is not one where there are no triggers," Skidmore explained. Our relationships — even the non-romantic ones — are always going to trigger our past experiences and responses.
The key, he continued, is whether or not we feel like we can safely reveal those triggers without fear of reprisal or ruining the relationship. Ideally, they should be a launchpad for growth.
Psychologist Dr. Rhoberta Shaler told YourTango that if you can't trust that your partner will respond with interest and compassion to your innermost thoughts, feelings, and flaws, that's an indication you don't feel emotionally safe — and it's a major red flag.
Staying in a relationship like that not only results in pain but cheats you out of opportunities to grow. As Skidmore put it, "The greatest relationship is one that creates a safe space for you to have all of your triggers and transform them."
"Does this relationship give me the opportunity to actually transform these wounds?" he elaborated. "Or is this relationship actually about me maintaining my wounds and my addiction to chaos and drama?"
2. 'Do you love yourself when you're in the relationship?'
"The second thing that I would be thinking about is who you are when you are with them," Skidmore explained.
Most of us, at one time or another, have either been or been the friend of someone who changes once they're in a relationship. But is that person different in a good or a bad way?
Marriage and family therapist Louise Armstrong told us that if it's in a bad way, it's usually because we're seeking our partner's approval, acceptance, praise, and attention. No relationship based on that neediness is likely to be healthy for either party.
Skidmore put an even finer point on it, adding that relationships are actually not really about choosing our partners. "A relationship is actually more [about] you choosing the version of yourself when you are with them," he said, "than [about] you choosing the other person."
Bit of an eye-opening gut punch, isn't it? Skidmore suggested taking this introspection even further, delving into whether the relationship feels like "a breath of fresh air" or an "obligation" we're "supposed" to want.
Using our relationships as launchpads for self-examination like this can help us both get to the bottom of whether or not we're in the right partnership and also help us learn ourselves better in the process. And that's always going to pay off in the long run.
John Sundholm is a news and entertainment writer who covers pop culture, social justice, and human interest topics.