Survey Reveals The Top Reason Most Couples End Up Divorced — And If You've Been Married Awhile, You'll Get It
It's not money or cheating, by the way.
Pressmaster | Canva We surveyed myriad counseling professionals and relationship experts to gain compelling insights into the top reason most couples end their marriages.
According to the survey, the top reason most couples end up divorced is communication problems.
NDAB Creativity via Shutterstock
Communication problems, followed by infidelity and "not spending enough time together/not mutually prioritizing the marriage."
Unfortunately, 54% of experts polled agree with the assertion made by author Dana Adam Shapiro that only 17% of marriages are happy. However, relationship coach Meri Arnett-Kremian is skeptical, explaining, "I'm suspicious of the bias of his interviewees since they were talking about the breakup of their marriages, which presumptively were unhappy or they'd still be together. How are we defining happy?"
Experts also had bad news for divorcées: 58% agree that a divorcee's chances of getting divorced are higher than those of someone who has never been married.
Another top reason most couples end up divorced? Cold feet before the wedding.
Consistent with the results of a UCLA study, a whopping 80% say that a bride's pre-wedding doubts are a harbinger of divorce, about which YourTango Expert Dr. Susan Heitler explains, "Not all doubts prove predictive, but often something that looks problematic at the outset gets worse over time." Meanwhile, perhaps surprisingly, 86% of experts agree prenups have no predictable impact on a couple’s likelihood of divorce.
Less surprisingly, 74% of experts polled agree that the number one predictor of divorce is differing values around kids, money, and/or intimacy. Also, when asked whether divorce is harder on men or women, 65% of experts agree that "divorce is equally hard on everyone."
However, couples therapist Nina Atwood disagrees. She thinks divorce is more difficult for women because "Typically, women do not do as well financially post-divorce, so they have financial struggles on top of the emotional ones." According to a survey by Worthy, 46% of the divorced women surveyed said that divorce brought with it financial surprises.
A common dilemma for divorcing couples is whether to opt for litigation or mediation. According to the experts, the choice is clear. Seventy percent say opting for divorce mediation instead of divorce litigation ensures a smoother end to the marriage, and 65% agree that opting for divorce mediation instead of divorce litigation ensures a more equitable/fair result.
Frequently, divorcing parents wonder how long to wait before starting to date again. Fortunately for them, there is no right or wrong answer. Rather, a plurality of experts (37%) say that there's no time requirement; as soon as they'd like is just fine.
Another dilemma for divorcing parents is how much they should share with their kids about their divorce. About that, the majority of experts polled (51%) said "any details that the kids can developmentally understand and integrate" — no more and no less.
Similarly, 70% of experts polled agree that divorcing parents should not ask their kids which parent they want to live with after the marriage ends because "the decision isn't the kids to make, and/or it's unfair to ask the kids to choose."
How can couples divorce-proof their marriages? Better communication and less negativity.
Sixty-five percent of experts agree that the most effective way is by improving communication, followed by decreasing negativity/criticism. Only about 4% cited more/better intimacy. Your best bet? Be proactive before walking down the aisle. Eighty percent of experts agree that couples who attend premarital education/counseling are less likely to get divorced than couples who don't.
"Hopefully, the men out there getting married will heed this message! Given a divorced woman and a divorced man, 75% of our experts agree that a man will get remarried first," states YourTango CEO Andrea Miller.
"This corroborates tons of research and anecdotal evidence that men are more emotionally dependent in a marriage and can benefit significantly by being proactive before saying 'I do.'"
Ground Picture via Shutterstock
Additional expert insights:
- According to the survey, 25-50% of divorces could have been avoided with couples' therapy. However, couples therapy isn't a cure-all. Rather, 65% of experts say that 25-50% of couples who attend couples therapy during their marriage end up getting divorced anyway.
- 76% of experts polled say that of divorcing couples, most of the time one person — not both — wants the divorce.
- 57% of experts say that less than 25% of divorces are amicable. Therefore, it comes as no surprise that, according to 65% of experts polled, less than 25% of people whose marriages end regret the decision to divorce.
- While 65% of experts polled agree that grown children of divorced parents are more likely to get divorced than grown children of married parents, grown kids of divorce aren't deterred; that is, according to 76% of experts polled, grown children of divorced parents are just as likely to get married as grown children of married parents.
- When asked whether they expect the divorce rate to go up or down over the next ten years, the experts are split: 37% believe it will go up, 26% say it will go down, and 37% think it will remain the same.
Research methodology: Conducted on SurveyMonkey, we polled 105 mental health professionals between October 1 and October 7, 2012.
YourTango is a purpose-driven publisher focused on love, relationships, emotional wellness, and self-empowerment.
