4 Subtle Differences Between A Man Who Provides And A Man Who Pretends, According To A Relationship Coach
"There's a stark contrast between the provider and the pretender, and I want to make sure that you are clear about who you are choosing."
ORION PRODUCTION | Shutterstock In a relationship, providing isn't just about giving material or financial support — it's about showing up for your partner in meaningful ways. True providers bring a sense of stability to those around them. Their actions match their words and their behavior aligns with their values.
While you may assume it's easy to identify which men in the dating pool are providers, it's not so simple. Relationship coach Fila McMillan-Antwine explained in a TikTok that many manipulative and controlling men mask themselves as providers to get women.
"The pretender is going to mimic what a provider looks like on the surface," McMillan-Antwine warned. "But there are key things for you to spot and for you to become aware of as you're moving into your partnership with this person."
Here are 4 subtle differences between a man who provides and a man who pretends:
1. Pretenders are self-serving.
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A man who is a genuine provider gives because he cares about his partner. But, anything a pretender does has an underlying reason — to make himself look good.
"First and foremost, when a provider gives you something that is for you, it is about you. It stays within the relationship unless there is a conversation about discussion," McMillan-Antwine insisted.
Pretenders, on the other hand, are self-serving. "Anything the pretender gives to you, anything the pretender does for you, is never about you," she stressed. "It's never really for you. It's for his own ego."
2. A provider cares about his partner, while a pretender cares more about the perception of others.
"Another thing that puts the pretender in direct opposition to the provider is that the pretender is not actually doing for you at all," McMillan-Antwine said. "Everything that he does is an attempt to stroke his own ego, to soothe his own ego, to fill his own inadequacy and feelings of insecurity."
A pretender "provides" so that he can brag to other people about how great he is — not because he genuinely cares about his partner or wants to make her happy. Anything he does for his partner, whether he pays the bills or takes her on trips, is shared with others so that they know how "generous" of a partner he is. He cares more about what others think than how his partner feels.
3. Pretenders overspend money that providers use to provide.
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While providing isn't all about finances and money, it certainly plays a role. McMillan-Antwine explained that men who pretend to be providers often aren't the best at money management, hindering their ability to provide financially for their partner.
"They can have a tendency to overspend, to overindulge, to show off, to blow money that's supposed to be for things that actually need to be paid or actually need provision," she said. "This is the man who will take the bill money and go to the club, who will take the bill money and gamble it away because he is trying to fill something within himself."
This isn't so obvious at the start of a relationship, however. "He knows that you're looking for a provider," McMillan-Antwine added, so he pretends to be capable of providing, "simply to get what he is seeking from you."
4. Protectors are secure in themselves while pretenders need constant praise.
A true provider is strong, secure in himself, and unafraid to show vulnerability. He provides emotionally, listening, understanding, and contributing to the relationship in a healthy way. He gives because he wants to see his partner happy and taken care of.
Conversely, a man who is only pretending to be a provider may project strength but he is likely deeply insecure beneath the surface, constantly seeking praise from everyone in his life. He gives because he wants to be thanked.
To tell the difference, McMillan-Antwine suggested paying attention when a man gives you gifts, particularly how he operates after the gift-giving. "Is he constantly looking for you to praise him and worship him because of it?" she asked. "Or is he just happy that he's been able to provide for you and give to you and create ease for you and comfort for you?" If it's the latter, you've found yourself a true provider.
Sylvia Ojeda is an author who has over a decade of experience writing novels and screenplays. She covers self-help, relationships, culture, and human interest topics.