5 Strange Signs A Marriage Is Quietly Falling Apart, According To Experts
Sometimes marriages break apart without making a sound.
Juanmonino | Canva You have an intuition that your marriage is not okay. Strange signs appear, but you don't understand how your spouse shifts their behavior, and you compensate. A decidedly twisted gut feeling persists, far from the usual red flag deal breaker checklist items, so you ignore them and question yourself and reality.
Some studies suggest that intuition, particularly regarding implicit knowledge and emotional cues, can be a valuable predictor of marital satisfaction. There are subtleties of a failing marriage you might miss. The signs are shy whispers of upheaval about to occur or blatant acts camouflaged by their overtness, as though they are too big to see.
Here are the strange signs a marriage is quietly falling apart, according to experts:
1. One or both of you has become a data compiler
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People who plot an end to marriage secretly will collect data before they sprint into action. You may notice records being copied or taken, questions about certain bank or brokerage accounts and the values of those holdings, questions about the location of the money, and the names of professionals you rely on for accounting and financial advice.
— Scott Levin, Family Law Attorney
2. One or both of you rewrites your relationship history
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This is a common result when you focus on the negatives in the relationship. If you're unhappy in your relationship, you can convince yourself it was never good, and the two of you were wrong from the start, and never loved each other. You will then act on these beliefs and make your relationship worse.
— Lesli Doares, Therapist and Coach
3. Small personal items start to vanish
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Small personal items — old photos, small valuables like jewelry — start to vanish. This is a preparatory step many spouses take to ensure they are moving their most valuable or sentimental items to another location for safekeeping before the actual move.
— Dr. Gloria Brame, Therapist
4. One or both of you writes down everything you spend money on
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This is a textbook sign of a controlling and emotionally abusive spouse. Marriage is about sharing love and life experiences, and not monitoring your spouse’s every move. Control is never a healthy weapon in marriage. Each person is an individual and must be treated as an adult.
— Mindy R. Smith PC, Attorney at Law
5. One or both of you doesn't care enough to argue
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If spouses don’t even care enough to argue, they’ve disengaged. And they’re just going through the motions of being married.
— Dr. Karen Finn, divorce and life coach
A failing marriage can feel like you are slowly slipping away into a loss of reality and self. When you look deeply at the day-to-day exchanges in your marriage and see subtle signs of drifting apart, planning an escape, or isolating, you will most likely need to seek counseling individually or as a couple.
Some marriages in decline can be rescued. Yet, some marriages might not be salvageable, so recognizing the subtler signs will help you prepare for a separation or divorce.
Will Curtis is a creator, editor, and activist who has spent the last decade working remotely.
