4 Ways To Clean Up A Messy Marriage — Even If You Have To Do It By Yourself
A therapist shares the four first steps anyone can take to start saving a troubled relationship.
cottonbro studio | Canva As a therapist, I've noticed that many people feel powerless when it comes to their marriage, assuming both partners have to be on the same page to clean up a relationship that's become messy. However, if you're the first person to notice your relationship is in trouble, you're responsible for taking the first steps toward fixing it.
Even if your spouse or partner is completely checked out, unplugged, and doesn’t seem to care, you can still make a difference.
To be clear, I’m not saying you’re the only one who needs to change to have a great marriage. The mess you’re in is not all your fault. But the effort you put in now matters more than you realize.
Four ways to fix a messy marriage — even if you have to do it on your own
1. Be the first one to do things differently
You can start a positive chain reaction by being the first one to do a few things differently. The key is to get into action. New action. Different action.
Remember, when you do the same things over and over, nothing changes. There's no way to reconnect with your spouse by staying stuck in the same pattern.
If you want to know how to save your marriage, you have to change some of the things you do. To get out of the place where you feel like your marriage is in a terrible rut and destined to fail, you’ll have to change some of the ways you typically react to your partner. You’ll have to step out of your place of comfort, shake it up, and take a risk.
2. Remember your "why"
Tirachard Kumtanom via Shutterstock
The first action step has to start in your head. Take a minute and think about this question: Why do I want to save my marriage? You might be inspired by 2 reasons from the Gottman Institute. Really. Get clear on why you want to stay together and have a happy marriage.
Is it because you made a vow? Because you don’t want to divorce? Because you don’t want to break your kid’s heart? Because you have a deep abiding love? Because it will be expensive to break up? Because you know that if you guys fix a few problems, you can have an amazing relationship? What else? Get specific.
Now, take out a piece of paper, and at the top of the page, write down this question: "Why do I want to save my marriage?" Then, write down all the answers you came up with. Be as thorough as possible when you’ve gotten down your "why," and put the paper in a safe place.
Then, you can refer back to it when you’re feeling discouraged. In the meantime, stay focused on your "why" as you move on to the next two steps.
3. Shift some of your focus away from the problems
Queenmoonlite Studio via Shutterstock
I want you to have the guts to stop focusing on your marriage troubles. I know this seems backward, but I assure you it’s not. If you’re going to fix this, you have to stop talking about all the wrong things. Here’s how to do that:
- Stop talking to your spouse about your marriage problems.
- Don’t tell him what he’s doing wrong.
- Don’t tell her what she should be doing differently.
- Stop blaming your partner.
- Quit giving your friends a play-by-play of your last fight.
Ruminating about the problems, rehashing conflicts, endlessly analyzing the unhealthy patterns, blaming your spouse for everything wrong, and repeatedly arguing about the same things — these are some of the things that are keeping you stuck, as explored by a study in the Journal of Marriage and the Family.
Take a break from those habits and watch what happens. When thoughts about your marital problems start creeping in, and you find yourself focusing on them again, here’s what I want you to do. Redirect yourself in these ways:
- Make a gratitude list.
- Sing a song.
- Crank up the tunes and dance.
- Do a chore you’ve been putting off.
- Call a friend.
- Take ten slow, deep breaths.
Doing these types of self-care activities (what I call a stop-focusing-on-the-problem detox) will help you relax, become more creative, find joy, see what’s going right, uncover hidden solutions, and get clarity on what you want and need.
4. Do a 180
GaudiLab via Shutterstock
What’s a one-eighty? Well, what I mean by "do a 180" is to make deliberate choices to do the exact opposite (a 180-degree angle) of what you’ve been doing in response to being worried about your relationship.
In times of relationship distress, people typically respond in one of two ways. People tend to either get more clingy to their partner or distance more from their partner.
Would you say your reaction to your current relationship problem is that you’ve gotten more clingy or more distant? Are you pursuing your partner, or are you trying to get time and space away from your partner?
In either case, this action step is to do a 180. You’ll need to start doing the opposite of what you’ve been doing recently.
If your instinct is to cling to your spouse in times of trouble (trying to get your spouse to talk, be affectionate, spend time together, plan a date night, have, text during the day, or do an activity together), I want you to have the courage to take a step back.
What I want you to do right now is take a deep breath and focus on yourself without doing anything. Just breath. And have a little heart-to-heart with that younger part of yourself that’s so afraid of being abandoned. Tell her that she’s going to be okay and that this is the way to get more of what she needs.
If you’ve been clingy and holding on tightly, my advice is to hold on loosely, but don’t let go. Take yourself on one of these adventures:
- Go out with a safe friend for dinner.
- Join a yoga class.
- Get a new book to read.
- Take a bubble bath.
- Call a friend you haven’t talked to in a long time.
- Go for a walk.
- Write in your journal.
- Meditate.
- Resume a hobby.
- Take a class you’ll enjoy.
The important thing is to let go of the death grip that you have on your spouse, as supported by a study in the Evolutionary Psychology Journal. I promise that it’s driving them bananas!
On the other hand, if you’ve been isolating and you haven’t been willing to connect with your partner because you’re afraid that they're going to do you wrong, you need to step in and move towards her.
You can start by taking a deep breath and having a reassuring chat with your inner child (who is probably afraid of being overwhelmed, consumed, or scrutinized by your spouse). Let that younger part of yourself know that you can always get some alone time when you need it.
After you’ve soothed that part of yourself, you’ll need to be brave and move toward your partner.
Yep, I’m serious! It’s time to start engaging and reconnecting with your partner again. I don’t mean every minute of the day. But do at least one thing every day that moves you in the direction of your spouse.
You can move toward your partner by:
- Taking her out on a date.
- Sending him a couple of out-of-the-blue texts when you’re at work.
- Offering to cook dinner together.
- Surprising her by playing "Your Song" and dancing in the living room.
- Giving him a long welcome home hug.
- Talking about your days.
- Cuddling on the couch.
- Exchanging shoulder or foot massages.
- Telling her that you miss her.
- Writing your spouse a love letter.
- Holding hands during a walk.
Now that you know the tips for how to save your marriage alone, I encourage you to try them out. But if you're still feeling frustrated that you have to be the one to work on changing, or you’re worried that your spouse isn’t going to eventually show up differently, or that they're not even going to notice, these are signals that it’s time to talk to a professional.
Lynda Spann, Ph.D., LMFT, is a relationship therapist and coach.