I Slept With My Soulmate On Our First Date And Now We're Married
No one can tell you the right time to be intimate with someone.
Emma Bauso, StockSnap | Canva We were sitting on a park bench overlooking the city lights when he finally kissed me and the world fell away. I grabbed the wood of the bench to steady myself as we spun up, up. Like a movie special effect, the city lights were suddenly the stars and we were melted into one, spiraling with the universe. I had never experienced a kiss like it before. And I wanted more, NOW. Despite this being our first outing alone together, a first date of sorts, we rushed back to his place and stayed up all night having delicious, intoxicating intimacy.
And despite not yet being officially divorced (papers submitted but not processed) and only six months after leaving my ex, I found, slept with, and fell in love with my soulmate. We're now married with two amazing little boys. Does this mean that you should jump in bed with every guy on your first date? No, of course not. Does it mean you shouldn't? Depends.
Lots of folks will tell you that you shouldn't. I disagree. Listen, I've traveled the spectrum, from sleeping with men I didn't want to but didn't know how not to, to not sleeping with men I wanted to because I felt like I shouldn't. I've believed in "do what you will and harm none" and physical intimacy as a sin. I used to list the number of men I'd slept with and feel sad, ashamed, and dirty. Years later I looked at the same list and felt gratitude and wonder. And laughed at myself.
I've even thought that I might have avoided my nine years in an emotionally abusive marriage if I had just slept with the guy sooner. He was a terrible lover but in the time we waited, he worked his manipulative magic on me. By the time we were in bed, me holding his broadsword (yes, heavy metal weapon sword) and he announced, "Abandon hope all ye who enter here" before, well, entering me, by then I was already emotionally entrapped. There was no authentic intimate connection but my fears, doubts, and shame were entangled with him and I didn't know how to leave for all those years.
From having no lovers, to many lovers, to a terrible intimate partner in a terrible marriage to absolutely amazing intimacy in a fantastic marriage, I've learned a few things about myself. I believe we do create an ongoing energetic connection with each person with whom we are physically intimate. Some of us can handle lots of these connections, for others of us, we need to be more conservative with the connections we make. I believe intimate energy is powerful, healing, creative, and useful. I believe it is natural and beautiful from vanilla to kinky, and from committed to casual.
I believe that we can and must tune into what's right for us intimately, beyond the morals and constraints of our culture. We damage ourselves when we resist what is our nature. I have clients who are unmarried and monogamous and clients who are married and polyamorous, and they are all thriving and doing what's right for them. So what should you do? I believe that only you have the answer. I believe you should find and follow your intuition. Do It! To start, get quiet and ask yourself these questions:
- What do I want now? (Intimacy? Love? Both?)
- How can I honor myself?
- If there was no judgment about my intimate habits, what would I do?
Don't be afraid to get support to figure out what's right for you. You deserve to live a life that is intimately and emotionally fulfilling for yourself and for the world.
If you think you may be experiencing depression or anxiety as a result of ongoing emotional abuse, you are not alone.
Domestic abuse can happen to anyone and is not a reflection of who you are or anything you've done wrong.
If you feel as though you may be in danger, there is support available 24/7/365 through the National Domestic Violence Hotline by calling 1-800-799-7233. If you’re unable to speak safely, text LOVEIS to 1-866-331-9474.
Cara Cordoni is a leadership and business Coach with more than 20 years of experience in individual and organizational development. She is an experienced executive, consultant, entrepreneur and writer. She coaches start-up founders and management teams, courageous risk-takers, and people who are determined to make their way and a better way for the world.