12 Signs You're The Problem In A Relationship And Everyone's Too Scared To Tell You The Truth
Sometimes the relationship problems are caused by you.
Robert Kundrak | Unsplash When a relationship dies, it dies for one of three reasons: It either dies because both partners grew apart, or because one partner no longer finds the relationship rewarding. And the third reason: you're the problem in the relationship but everyone's too scared to tell you.
If your partner dumped you, of course, it’s not always your fault. But, in some cases, it could be. If you notice these relationship patterns, then it’s pretty clear that the reason why you’re now single might be, well, you.
Here are the signs you're the problem in a relationship and everyone's too scared to tell you the truth:
1. Your partner used to bring up the same handful of issues in the relationship but stopped
When your partner keeps bringing up relationship issues, they’re doing so because they aren’t happy. If you never made an effort to solve the problems they broached, it’s no wonder they left. You didn’t take their feelings and needs seriously until they were gone.
2. You cheated
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It doesn’t matter what you think made you do it, if you cheated, the breakup is all your fault. End of story.
3. Your partner constantly looked sad, but you never made any effort to find out why
In many cases, people won’t tell you what’s wrong unless you ask. If you didn’t even try to ask, you shouldn’t be surprised your partner left you. They probably assumed you just didn’t care.
Consistently overlooking a partner's sadness and failing to inquire about its cause can lead to a weakened bond, potentially fostering resentment, emotional distance, and a sense of unfulfillment in the relationship.
According to a 2024 study, your partner's unmet emotional needs are causing their sadness, and a lack of effort to understand and meet these needs may be a contributing factor to relationship problems.
4. You don’t remember the last time that you tried to do something nice for your partner without strings being attached to it
The minute that you just assume that your partner doesn’t need a sign of gratitude for all they do is the minute that the relationship starts to fade away. You need to work to show your partner that you still love them and appreciate them. Otherwise, they will begin to feel ignored.
5. You treated your partner poorly because you never thought they’d leave
I’ve personally been on the receiving end of this treatment, and it never ceases to amaze me how it floored my exes to see me leave. If you ever think this is acceptable, you need to reevaluate the way you think of love. Your partner can always leave, and if you’re doing this, they should leave.
6. People have tried to talk to you about the way you treat your partner
If people feel like they have to step in out of fear for your partner’s safety or well-being, chances are very high that it’s because you’re abusive. Most of the time, people don’t butt in like that without being seriously worried about how you’re treating that person.
Take a good look in the mirror and be honest with yourself. Would you have accepted the treatment you dished out to your partner?
Being receptive and empathetic to constructive criticism from others about your interactions with your partner is crucial for building healthy relationships. Research by The Gottman Institute explained that ignoring or dismissing concerns can escalate conflicts and lead to relationship dissatisfaction.
7. You picked fights with your partner
Just because you wanted control, attention, or to make them feel like they can’t leave. Some people have a habit of doing this as a way to establish that they are “dominant” in a relationship. If you’re doing this, you shouldn’t be shocked that the overall effect killed your partner’s attraction to you.
8. You criticized your partner almost constantly
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Some healthy criticism is good, especially when it’s something that could end up causing resentment. However, if you regularly make a point to tell your partner all their little flaws, they probably have grown to resent you. Once you’ve made them resent you, the relationship is usually broken beyond repair.
9. You stonewalled your partner
Relationship experts cite “stonewalling” as one of the four indicators that a relationship will fail. If this is your way of handling problems, it’s safe to say that you’re probably going to ruin every other relationship you have until you fix yourself.
Research by marriage therapist John Gottman identifies stonewalling as a destructive communication pattern, strongly linked to relationship problems, particularly divorce, and often more prevalent in men. It can cause minor disagreements to escalate into larger problems because conflicts cannot be resolved when communication is blocked.
10. You literally wouldn’t hang out with anyone but your partner
If you don’t have your hobbies and friends, you’re probably going to poison your relationship by getting too needy and clingy. It’s hard, I know, but you need to keep separate and have “space breaks” just to have material to talk about at the end of the day. I speak from experience.
11. You expected your partner to do all the work in the relationship
The quickest way to make sure that your partner resents you is to make sure they’re the ones who have to pay all the bills, do all the housework, and take care of the kids. The more work your partner has to do, the more likely it is that they’ll resent you.
12. You see relationships as pairings that have a 'winner' and a 'loser'
This attitude is inherently unhealthy and tends to be indicative of abusive behavior you might act out. A healthy relationship is a partnership, not a domination trip.
Rethink your attitude next relationship and seriously consider getting therapy for this. This isn’t healthy. Rethink the way you do things and you might have a shot at happiness.
If you think you may be experiencing depression or anxiety as a result of ongoing emotional abuse, you are not alone. Domestic abuse can happen to anyone and is not a reflection of who you are or anything you've done wrong.
If you feel as though you may be in danger, there is support available 24/7/365 through the National Domestic Violence Hotline by calling 1-800-799-7233. If you’re unable to speak safely, text LOVEIS to 1-866-331-9474.
Ossiana Tepfenhart is a writer whose work has been featured in Yahoo, BRIDES, Your Daily Dish, New Theory Magazine, and others.