If You Answer 'No' To Any Of These 13 Questions, Your Marriage Is Likely Over
How to identify a marriage in trouble.
Tandem X Visuals | Unsplash You're in a marriage, but you're not sure if it will make it to the finish line. You hope this is your forever person and that your last first date is behind you, but the relationship seems "off" in a few different ways.
Can you make it work anyway? Possibly, but first, there are a few questions that you need to ask yourself to determine whether or not your marriage is over.
If you answer 'no' to any of these questions, your marriage is over:
1. Do I feel loved?
It's as simple as yes or no. You do, or you don't. No excuses.
Look at your reasons for being in this relationship. If you are looking for someone to complete you, then you aren't ready. You must be whole before someone can love you fully.
2. Do I feel respected?
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Respect allows you to be seen, heard, and valued for who you are. It will enable you to disagree comfortably. Being free to show up in life uncensored and unapologetically true to you while allowing them the same is mutual respect.
A study published in The Family Journal agrees that respect is crucial for a healthy marriage. Respect fosters trust, allows for vulnerability, promotes positive communication, and makes partners feel valued and secure. This ultimately contributes to a more substantial and enduring relationship. The relationship can become strained without respect, leading to conflict and unhappiness.
3. Do I feel appreciated?
Someone who often feels unappreciated feels what they give, compromise or contribute is taken for granted. An expression of gratitude goes quite a long way for most.
Healthy relationship partners notice and acknowledge one another. It's not just about remembering the special dates; it's about the "just because" gestures and little things.
4. Do I feel satisfied with our intimacy?
I am not asking just about performance or frequency. The question refers to a maturing intimacy with communication and boundaries.
Silence is deadly to a relationship when it comes to intimacy. Just as important as physical attraction is the ability to have a healthy, open dialogue. As your lives become more entwined, other priorities and, ultimately, barriers get in the way. Talk about it.
Feeling satisfied with intimacy plays a critical role in a marriage. A 2022 study explained that a high level of intimacy is strongly associated with greater marital satisfaction, stability, and overall well-being, while a lack of intimacy can contribute to marital dissatisfaction, conflict, and even divorce.
5. Do I fully trust my partner?
Trust is the foundation of all healthy relationships. Trusting that your partner will be faithful must be extended beyond your bed to your heart and your money.
If cheating has been accepted or normalized in anything, it may show up as infidelity in your relationship.
6. Do I feel supported in my independent pursuits?
If you answer no to this question, it is likely because you feel controlled by your partner or find they are jealous of time spent with others. You may find that they criticize your goals.
Healthy people — people with self-esteem and confidence — live autonomously and connect with others. Unhealthy people are often easily manipulated, easily controlled, and betray themselves to please someone else.
7. Do I feel content hanging out with just my partner?
The ability to enjoy going nowhere and doing nothing in one another's company is a good sign. If you lose track of time, you are simply in the flow of life and in sync. Feeling content while hanging out with your partner is crucial for a healthy relationship.
A 2021 study found that casual time fosters a strong connection, intimacy, and overall satisfaction, allowing couples to deepen their bond through shared, relaxed moments without external distractions. While casual time is essential, couples should prioritize activities that stimulate shared interests, personal growth, and physical intimacy.
8. Do I feel proud to be with my partner in the company of others?
If staying in was great, what about going out? Some become critical and judgmental with different expectations in public. If so, go back and re-read number two.
9. Do I feel happy engaging in hobbies with my partner?
Healthy relationships have some mutual interest to keep them connected beyond the bedroom. Competitive or not, it should evoke happiness.
Research published by Utah State University supports the idea that engaging in hobbies with your partner is essential for a healthy relationship. It fosters connection, strengthens bonds, enhances intimacy, and contributes to overall relationship satisfaction by creating shared experiences and positive memories.
10. Do I feel safe being vulnerable with my partner?
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Suppose they want to 'fix' you. Okay, if so, they have good intentions but the wrong goal. The point is that they are for you and not against you. Always. Feeling safe sharing vulnerabilities with a partner is a key factor in building intimacy, trust, and a strong emotional connection within a relationship.
A study published in the International Journal of Philosophical Studies explained that when individuals feel secure expressing their true selves, including insecurities and fears, they foster deeper connection and relationship satisfaction.
11. Do I feel there's balance and true partnership in the relationship?
It matters that you share responsibilities, chores, and finances if living together. These can be negotiated and learned if respect is mutual.
12. Do I feel a longing to be near my partner when they're away?
It is essential to desire them but not need them 24/7. Remember number six. Feeling a longing to be near your partner when they are away is considered a healthy sign of attachment and a strong bond within a relationship. This longing is often supported by the idea that absence makes the heart grow fonder.
Research published by the National Communication Association concluded that it can contribute to deeper appreciation and satisfaction in the relationship, particularly in long-distance situations where the physical separation is more pronounced.
13. Do I feel a sense of peace about sharing a future with my partner?
If it makes you smile to envision your future with them by your side, if you feel inspired to be and do your best to achieve your highest potential, it sounds like you have something worth working on.
If you recognize that you are in a relationship in trouble, you have options. Now that you are aware, you can work together to create positive change in areas that need tending. If one is not willing or able, then a breakup may be the only option.
It will hurt, but you will be okay. You will be happier as you move forward, more conscious of the healthy, balanced relationship you deserve and desire.
Ann Papayoti, PCC, is a relationship coach, author, speaker, and host of the podcast Soul CPR Healing Out Loud. She helps people untangle from their past, heal from heartbreak, and revive their lives.