10 Subtle Signs Of A Person Who's Quietly Staying In A Relationship That's Shutting Them Down, According To Psychology
They might smile through it, but the signs are there.
Aiony Haust | Unsplash I’ve been helping men and women improve their love lives for more than 40 years. Most everyone I know wants a long-term committed relationship. But most everyone finds it difficult to achieve.
We know that around 50% of first marriages end in divorce and 75-80% of men and women who have a failed first marriage will remarry, usually within five years. But 66% of second marriages and 73% of third marriages end in divorce. Too many relationships fail when they can be saved. Most couples have a faulty love map and so get lost on their way to finding real, lasting love.
Here are the subtle signs of a person who's staying in a relationship that's shutting them down:
1. Love has turned to hate
Many couples will tell me there are times they feel like killing their spouse, but they still love them. Others say love has been lost, but they still care and want love to return. But if love has turned to hate, the relationship may need to end.
2. Blame and shame rule the relationship
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Care and respect are key components of a good marriage. Troubled relationships often fall into blaming the other partner and putting them down or calling them names.
Research indicates that blame and shame, when pervasive in a relationship, can lead to decreased intimacy, increased conflict, and ultimately, relationship breakdown, as they foster defensiveness, resentment, and difficulty in vulnerability. Individuals who are prone to shame may also experience self-derogation, self-blame, and fear of intimacy.
3. Physical and emotional violence are present
Some unhappy marriages become violent. Physical and emotional abuse are present and there are real fears for the safety of family members.
4. You are blamed for everything
When problems arise, both parties usually have some role to play in creating the problem and solving the problem. But if one person always blames the other and believes that they are the cause of all problems, it’s an indicator that the relationship is stuck in reverse.
Being consistently blamed for everything in a relationship can lead to feelings of powerlessness, anxiety, depression, and resentment. A 2016 study explained that blame can shut down open and honest communication as individuals fear expressing their needs and opinions.
5. Betrayals are common
We often think of betrayals as simply the infidelities that are present in some couples. But betrayals can be emotional as well as intimate. When we don’t feel secure and can’t count on our partner for physical and emotional support, it may be time to exit.
6. The relationship is making you sick
All relationships can be stressful, but chronic stress can cause serious problems including everything from breast cancer to heart problems. If the relationship is making you sick, you may need to leave it.
Unhealthy relationships can negatively impact physical and mental health, leading to conditions like anxiety, depression, and even physical ailments, while healthy relationships can buffer against stress and promote well-being. A 2021 study found that relationship strain, or conflict, can encourage unhealthy behaviors as coping mechanisms.
7. You or your partner look for ways to stay away from the relationship
When relationships have become chronically unhappy, we often find ways to stay away. We work long hours and find reasons not to come home.
Research by The Gottman Institute suggests that individuals might seek distance in relationships due to inflexibility, unmet needs, lack of alignment, or dysfunctional patterns. This can often lead to avoidance, blaming, or a lack of engagement in addressing issues.
8. You or your partner give your best to someone else
When we withdraw our energies from a relationship we gradually start sharing more with others. We may have close friends with whom we share our true feelings. We turn our attention elsewhere and give to others what we no longer give to our partner.
Research suggests that giving your best to someone else can elicit positive emotions and strengthen relationships. However, it can also lead to negative consequences like resentment, dependence, and even relationship breakdown.
9. You or your partner live separate lives
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The relationship may be intact on the surface, but we are living separate lives. Our interests are elsewhere and our life with our partner is a hollow shell.
10. Both partners have given up hope
There are no efforts to improve things. The relationship has turned cold and brittle. One or both partners are waiting for the right time to leave, but they both have given up on love.
No one can tell someone else when it’s time to leave. When a person comes to me, I do an assessment with them to look deeply at the relationship. We explore how long the relationship has been going on, whether there are children involved, what the couple has done to get help, and what each of them wants to have in the future.
Over the years I’ve worked with more than 25,000 couples. Often one person comes to me because they recognize the relationship is in trouble. Usually, one person is leaning towards leaving and the other person wants to keep the relationship alive. I’ve been successful in helping most relationships get back on track, even the ones that look pretty grim and hopeless.
Not all relationships can be saved and some should end so that each partner can breathe again and move on with their lives.
Research suggests that when both partners lose hope, this can lead to a decline in intimacy, trust, and overall relationship satisfaction. This can potentially result in apathy, withdrawal, and even psychological distress for both individuals.
I’ve tried to offer some simple guidelines to begin a discussion on your relationship's future. However, most people need more than a simple “10-point guide.” Staying too long in a dead-end relationship can be unbelievably painful. Leaving a relationship has its own kind of pain. If you are trying to decide whether to stay or whether to leave, I suggest you talk it over with a good therapist.
If you feel as though you may be in danger, there is support available 24/7/365 through the National Domestic Violence Hotline by calling 1-800-799-7233. If you’re unable to speak safely, text LOVEIS to 1-866-331-9474.
Jed Diamond, Ph.D., is a writer, author, Founder, and Director of Men Alive, a health program that helps men live long and well.
