4 Signs Your "Perfect" Boyfriend Is Actually A Psychopath
Your new beau is just too good to be true.
Gorodenkoff / Shutterstock When you just start dating someone, it can feel amazing when they pull out all the stops in the beginning.
They reek of charm. They shower you with affection and gifts.
Sometimes, it seems too good to be true. Before you know it, you’re calling your friends, telling them about the amazing person you just met.
It all seems perfect until ... it's not.
There is a powerful reason why it’s so important to take your time in a new relationship. And it’s important to understand what it feels like when a psychopath shows up in the form of your new beau.
The term "love bomb" was originally coined by the Moonies, a cult, who used it to mean "a genuine expression of friendship, fellowship, interest or concern."
The term was later adopted to describe the techniques that psychopaths use to attract people into relationships.
Often, love bombing is the absolute only way to tell that something is off with the other person since they are so skilled at keeping on the mask.
Love bombing is the stage at the beginning of the relationship with a psychopath where the other person pulls out the stops.
The psychopath superficially flatters you and makes you feel like a million bucks.
They might give you gifts or do incredible things for you. They listen and incorporate everything they hear into creating the kind of relationship that you deeply crave.
They use things that they learn about you to reflect back a persona that mirrors exactly what you want in a mate.
Why is love bombing a red flag?
Often, the psychopath’s charming, over-the-top loving behavior is your only sign that something is amiss with a new relationship. The feeling of being overwhelmed and distracted by the amount of love and caring attention being heaped upon you feels amazing.
This, combined with the way that they seem to adore you, is really hard to resist.
The psychopath uses this overwhelming attention to hook their partner and gain the upper hand. After all, if someone acted the way the psychopath does at the end of a relationship at the beginning, few people would fall for them in the first place.
Years later, victims of psychopaths still say things like "They were so great in the beginning, why can’t I get that person back? Was it all not real? I know they love me, they showed me so."
The reason why this feels too good to be true is that it was all a dangerous illusion crafted with the sole purpose of gaining their victim’s love and trust.
Here are four signs your boyfriend is a psychopath who's love-bombing you:
1. They make over-the-top statements at any time in the first few months
They say things like:
- "You’re the most amazing person I’ve ever met."
- "I knew you were the one the moment I laid eyes on you."
- "You are the best thing that has ever happened to me."
- "There is no one in the world as beautiful, handsome, and intelligent as you."
Notice the use of absolute statements.
It isn't normal for healthy, well-adjusted people at the beginning of new relationships to speak to you like this. Consider that they can’t really know you that well that early in your relationship.
You haven't had enough time together to develop that level of knowledge about each other. You both might be excited but watch for overwhelmingly flattering and unreal statements about you.
2. They make a lot of statements about your similarities
The nature of psychopaths is that they are chameleons who adopt new masks when they are trying to seduce someone new.
They listen a lot and say things that are meant to make you feel exactly alike.
Statements like: "Wow, I also played that weird sport and was a fan of tuba music."
3. They seem to be everything you have ever wanted in a mate
Space and time are your weapons against dating and falling for a psychopath. Keep a rein on your emotions. If you have that "wow, this seems off" feeling in your gut, always listen and run!
If you aren't sure, and the relationship does seem really good, just wait and see. You don't have to move in with them, get married or buy a house together right now.
4. They evoke your sympathy
Hearing sob stories from them? Psychopaths know that people love to root for the underdog and use it to their advantage. They often hide the fact that they are completely unemployable and are total parasites with lots of statements about how they are down on their luck and just looking for a big break.
Remember, healthy partners have pride! A healthy person won’t bring their skeletons out of the closet right away and walk them around for fear that they will be scared off.
The psychopath knows this and will use their down-on-their-luck stories to make them seem more honest and trustworthy, when in fact they are the opposite.
How do you protect yourself from dating a psychopath?
Your greatest weapon in any new relationship is time. Never, ever, make big, life-changing decisions at the beginning of a new relationship. Just take your time and see where it goes. If the other person is genuine, they will also want to get to know you and won’t mind if it takes a while.
Remember there is never a rush to do anything in a relationship unless the other person is literally bleeding and you have to call an ambulance.
The longer that you are with one of these people, the harder it becomes for them to maintain their masks and keep their lies straight.
From others’ reports, it takes three to six months before the mask starts slipping. That is why the beginning of the relationship is such a critical time to take it slow.
Phew. I know all of this sounds scary, but rest assured that psychopaths make up about 1 percent of the population, based on research.
There are a ton of great people out there who have never considered making a skin suit.
Remember to always listen to your gut feeling and use space and time to your advantage in a new relationship.
Elizabeth Stone is an author, dating coach, and personal development coach who helps women restore themselves to improve their relationships.