13 Signs A Man Only Loves The Idea Of You Rather Than Who You Really Are
If these signals sound familiar, you're likely just an idealized concept to him.
Rostislav_Sedlacek | Canva If you have ever loved a man but wondered if the person he loved in return was the real you or just the idea of you, you are far from alone. I once had an ex who was totally and completely in love with someone named Ossiana. This woman looked like me and had the same name as me, but she wasn’t me.
The Ossiana he loved was a cisgender woman who wanted to have babies, wanted to go to church every day, and was “just having a wild streak” before she settled down. She was not me — and never will — be me.
If you're worried that you’re in a situation like mine and notice several of these signs sound familiar, it might indicate that a man only loves the idea of you or an alternate-universe version of you.
Here are the signs a man only loves the idea of you rather than who you are:
1. He argues with you over your opinion or tells you what you’re supposed to want
I call this move steamrolling, and technically, it’s a form of gaslighting. When I told my ex I didn’t want kids, he would immediately reply, “Yes you do.”
No matter how many times I’d tell him I didn’t want kids or that I wasn’t female, he’d just reply, “You’re confused. That’s all.” A guy who does this doesn’t care what you think because he’s already made up his mind for you.
2. He puts you on a pedestal but then starts trying to 'correct' things about you
fizkes / Shutterstock
With narcissists, this is called the “idealization, devaluation” cycle of abuse. People who do this are trying to get their version of you to match up with their idealized version of you.
Unfortunately, no one is perfect and guys who do this will never be satisfied with you. The only times they’ll let you up on that pedestal again is if you end up leaving them, and that’s because they hate loss more than they hate not having that fantasy of you around. This can be detrimental to relationships.
A study published in the Personality and Social Psychology Bulletin found this often stems from an underlying dynamic of idealization followed by devaluation, leading to insecurity, dissatisfaction, and potential relationship conflict. This is mainly studied within the context of attachment theory and relationship dynamics, where excessive idealization can create unrealistic expectations that are difficult to maintain.
3. He buys you gifts that have nothing to do with your interests
My ex who had this issue gave me a gift certificate for surfing lessons, and that’s great except for the fact that I’m allergic to the sun.
When I told him I wasn’t interested in it for health reasons, he gave me a blank stare and thought I was joking. It was at this point I realized my ex was delusional.
4. He projects qualities onto you don't possess
This goes hand-in-hand with the delusion aspect of this problem. Guys who are in love with the potential of who you are may call you “geeky” when you can’t stand geek culture or talk about how “pure” you are when, in reality, you’re a kinky freak in the sheets.
Projection is a defense mechanism in which individuals unconsciously attribute their unacceptable thoughts, feelings, or behaviors to someone else. A 2021 study published by Frontiers in Psychology found they essentially deny those traits within themselves to protect their self-esteem and avoid facing uncomfortable truths about themselves.
5. He tries to train you like a puppy
That suffocating “walking on eggshells” feeling you get around him isn’t just you being nervous for no reason. That’s the uneasy feeling of knowing that he probably wouldn’t like the real you, or the feeling that you’re stuck with a guy who doesn’t think you’re good enough for him as is.
6. He has a narrative in his head about how all this is supposed to play out
I call this the “Manic Pixie Dream Girl Dream,” primarily because I’ve mostly seen it in men who seem to think that the Manic Pixie Dream Girls they see in comics are what real girls are like.
The Manic Pixie Dream Girl Dream happens when guys have played out the adventures you two should have, or what kind of things you’ll do for him, or the idea that you’re just his “happily ever after.”
Unfortunately, this dream is realistically just a pipe dream for him. The idea that people have a narrative about how events should unfold is directly related to the concept of narrative identity.
2022 research found that this concept suggests that people understand their lives and experiences through the lens of a story they construct, complete with a beginning, middle, and end. People often shape their expectations and behaviors based on this internal narrative.
7. He's more into your lifestyle than you
Look Studio / Shutterstock
As much as it pains me to say it, guys who love the idea of a girl aren’t attracted to anything particularly deep. So, if he makes regular mention of your appearance, your cool car, or your exciting life, you may want to pass on him.
8. He seems to be more obsessed with being in a happy coupling than anything else
If he likes you, he’ll be into you and think about you. If he’s into the idea of who you could be, he’ll likely be a huge fan of relationship goals, flaunting the fact that he has a girlfriend, or getting crazy into the fact that you had a crush on him. With this kind of love, he’s more into the idea of being in love with you than you.
9. He talks at length about how he’d 'never be able to find someone else like you'
This may sound sweet, but the truth is that it is a sign that he’s dating you because he’s more afraid of being alone than anything else. Is that really what you want?
10. He won’t stop talking about his ex or he’s tried to get you to act like her
A lot of people, both men and women, are stuck in relationship loops. They’ll look for partners who look like an ex, then try to turn them into their ex, just because they’re hoping to have something like what they used to have with that “one that got away.”
It’s sad, but it needs to be a dealbreaker. He needs legit time to grieve. Psychological research published by Social Psychological and Personality Science suggests that when someone continuously talks about their ex, it often indicates they haven't fully moved on from the relationship.
They might still harbor feelings or struggle to process the breakup, potentially leading to comparisons with their current partner and hindering the new relationship's growth.
If the constant discussion about the ex is significantly impacting your relationship, consider seeking couples therapy to address underlying issues related to the previous relationship.
11. He pushes boundaries
Don’t ask me why, but a lot of guys who tend to fall in love with a girl’s potential also can’t figure out what a healthy boundary looks like. If he’s the type to drive to your house unannounced with flowers after you rejected him, he’s probably more into the potential of you than you.
12. His idea of romance follows movie tropes rather than real-life
Guys who love the idea of women rather than actual women tend to see themselves in Hollywood-style romantic comedies. They’re the ones who will see themselves as the White Knight Hero, the Playboy Jerk, or the Anguished Nerd Who Just Needs A Manic Pixie Dream Girl.
If he acts like any particular tropes around you, then make no mistake about it. This is a sign he sees you as a two-dimensional supporting character rather than a real human being.
13. He’s delusional
If he’s delusional about other things, he’s probably not all there about you, either. It may be best if you just let him do his thing... far away from you.
If you think you may be experiencing depression or anxiety as a result of ongoing emotional abuse, you are not alone. If you feel as though you may be in danger, there is support available 24/7/365 through the National Domestic Violence Hotline by calling 1-800-799-7233. If you’re unable to speak safely, text LOVEIS to 1-866-331-9474.
Ossiana Tepfenhart is a writer whose work has been featured in Yahoo, BRIDES, Your Daily Dish, Newtheory Magazine, and others.