5 Secrets To A Successful Marriage (From A Divorce Lawyer Married To A Divorce Lawyer)
A cheat sheet to help keep your marriage alive.
mentatdgt, Edward Olive | Canva About 9 out of every 10 Americans cite love as a “very important reason to get married,” according to the Pew Research Center. As a divorce lawyer, you might assume that keeping marriages together isn’t super high on my priority list, but here’s the thing: I’m happily married (to another divorce lawyer!) and I know firsthand what the benefits of a successful marriage are.
I also know marriage can be tough work. It’s worth it, but it’s not always easy. So my spouse and I sat down and created a “cheat sheet” of sorts for how to have a successful marriage. We call them the “five Cs.”
Here are 5 secrets to a successful marriage from a divorce lawyer married to another divorce lawyer:
1. Learn how to talk to — and hear — one another
What’s the number one “cause” for divorce? In our experience, it’s a lack of/poor communication. So the first tip we have for married couples: learn to talk to — and hear — one another better.
Effective communication with your spouse begins with active listening and empathy — when you strive to understand their perspective without judgment or interruption. Establish a safe and non-confrontational environment that encourages open dialogue, where both partners feel comfortable expressing their thoughts and emotions honestly. Practice clear and respectful language, focusing on "I" statements to convey feelings and needs while avoiding blame or criticism. Regularly check in with each other to discuss both the mundane and significant aspects of life.
2. Commit to doing the work
Most folks think of marriage as a commitment to another person, and that’s true — but it’s not the only commitment. You need to commit to the marriage itself: to doing the work to keep it strong and healthy, and to remembering why you wanted to be married in the first place.
Journaling, we’ve found, can help here. Writing down your thoughts first can help you see the bigger picture. You may find negative feelings pass quickly, or you may realize that you need to communicate (see tip number 1) more effectively about your needs. We also recommend renewing that commitment to your partner and your relationship every day. Saying the words “I commit to you” aloud may feel a little silly at first, but it works.
3. Have true compassion for your partner
We can’t give you a quick fix for suddenly being compassionate, but we can help you identify red flags, like:
- When your spouse is talking, do you tune out/actively change the subject?
- Do you take any pleasure in your spouse’s failure, or getting to say, “I told you so”?
- Do you actively avoid going places with your spouse, or find excuses to avoid people they care about?
- Do you hold grudges against your spouse that you wouldn’t hold against your friends?
None of these red flags makes you a “bad” person, by the way. But they do indicate that there’s a problem. So if you find yourself without compassion, it’s time to go back to tip number 1.
4. Be aligned on what you value
Compatibility is about having similar ideals, beliefs, and goals that help you understand each other better. You don’t have to agree on everything (how dull!) but you should be aligned in what you value.
Still, values can change over time. So we recommend touching base with your spouse regularly, to make sure you’re both still heading in the same direction. We also suggest trying a new hobby that you can do together — something neither of you has done before, but have both expressed interest in. It’ll give you something to do as a team.
5. Actively try to nurture your physical attraction
Chemistry isn't just about physical attraction; it's also about feeling comfortable with and understood by your spouse. Couples should actively try to nurture both their physical attraction and their emotional connection.
Photo: fizkes / Shutterstock
Need a few ideas? Try these:
- Make sure you have a “date night” planned every week. That “night” may only be an hour-long pedicure or a weekly yoga class, but do it together.
- Be affectionate. You don’t have to grope one another in public (and really, we suggest that you do not), but hand-holding can go a long way. Even standing close to your partner can help fuel your chemistry. You can even make it a little game: how close can you be to one another without touching?
- Say “I love you” AND “I want you.” Both are important.
And there you have it — the 5 Cs of keeping your marriage strong: Communication, Commitment, Compassion, Compatibility, and Chemistry. They’ve served us well, and we hope they’ll help you, too!
Heather McCabe is an award-winning divorce lawyer and certified Best Interest Attorney She is the managing partner of the family law firm McCabe Russell, P.A.