12 Quick Yes-Or-No Questions That Can Tell You Exactly Which Relationship Stage You're In
We can't predict the future, but using present indicators can help us figure out what to do next.
Alena Shekhovtcova, jes2ufoto | Canva People have a natural tendency to wonder what’s going on in their intimate relationships, and we often are looking for an easy way to see how healthy your relationship with your romantic partner actually is. Of course, there is no one way figure out if your relationship is healthy. We all know that abuse, control and manipulation aren't healthy — but outside of these extremes, what does a healthy relationship feel like?
Is a relationship that sometimes feels boring potentially healthy? What about one where you argue and even fight sometimes?
To make life easier for you, I have assembled this simple relationship stage quiz to see what stage you're in, and what might be going on at a deeper level.
A 12-question relationship quiz that can help you determine the health of your relationship
Answer “Yes” or “No” to the following questions and total your answers below:
1. Are you noticing diminished interest in or from your partner?
2. Do you sometimes feel like your partner just doesn’t get you?
3. Do your little disagreements sometimes escalate into hurtful fights with accusations, criticism, name-calling, or bringing up past hurts?
4. Do you ever feel belittled by or unimportant to your partner?
5. Do you find yourself having the same old argument over and over?
6. Are you unsure if it’s time to move on?
7. Are you wondering how you keep ending up in the same relationship with different partners?
8. Do you hold back or shut down from telling your partner what’s on your mind?
9. Do you fantasize about or entertain ideas about getting involved with someone else?
10. Are you lonely in your relationship?
11. Does it seem that you’re unhappy more than you’re happy with your partner?
12. Has your passion and intimate life diminished?
Now tally up your totals. How many "yes" answers and how many "no" answers did you give?
The results are in! How to know what stage your relationship is in
1. If you answered Yes from 0-4 times to these questions, you may be in the "Romantic Stage" of your relationship.
To varying degrees, this stage is characterized by passionate energy and a powerful tendency to see only the positive qualities of your beloved.
Nature helps us in the beginning by allowing our bodies to increase the production of dopamine and norepinephrine accelerating the production of testosterone. These natural “drugs” help you to feel lust, infatuation, and deep contentment. They are intended to smooth the way so that we can meet, mate, and procreate. They act a little like anesthesia during an operation and enhance feelings of oneness, closeness, and connection.
Perhaps you feel like the anesthesia is starting to wear off? Well, it is! Hopefully, you have become bonded, emotionally and physically, to your partner and are now ready for the hard work of building a conscious life journey together.
2. If you answered Yes 5-8 times to these questions, you may be in the "Power Struggle Stage" of your relationship.
Your partner, who initially looked like the perfect person to help you get your deepest needs met, is looking more like someone uniquely designed to cause you pain and frustration. You may be struggling over whose reality gets to dominate the relationship and working hard to get your partner to be more like you and see the world through your eyes.
You are probably arguing more, getting surprisingly emotional over minor points, and escalating into shouting, sulking, and worse. You may be feeling defensive and confused about how the two of you got here! Well, you’re not alone.
Power Struggle is a natural, predictable phase of a relationship. Often our old wounds are touched in this phase, and we may react from this stage. Because conflict is growth trying to happen, you would be wise to learn some tools to help you and your partner embark on a conscious journey of healing. This happens through deep listening, empathy, and full presence with one another.
3. If, however, you answered Yes 9-12 times to these questions, you may be embedded in a "Crisis Stage".
You are probably feeling angry, hurt, betrayed, and lost. Perhaps you feel that the “magic” is gone and may never be coming back. Your intimate life has diminished, and you’ve become critical, defensive, or contemptuous of one another. Maybe you’re fighting all the time, or not talking at all.
In this stage of your relationship, you may be thinking about or have already separated, divorced, or are having an affair. Can this relationship be saved?!! Yes, but it will take a commitment of time, energy, and desire to learn the tools and heal the wounds.
You will benefit from working with a trained couple's therapist who will teach you better, more effective communication tools. They will help you to deepen your connection and create a clean, sacred space between you where the energy and love can flow again.
It’s never too late to connect with your loved one…even if you currently think the love is gone.
Mary Kay Cocharo is a licensed Marriage and Family Therapist in private practice in West Los Angeles, California.