Psychology Says There's 7 Subtle Red Flags That Only Show Up During Your First Couple Fight
Watch out for these under-the-radar no-nos during an argument.
Diva Plavalaguna | Pexels Before committing to a life partner — your soulmate— you need to pay attention to red flags in a new relationship. Conflict in a relationship isn't a red flag in itself, but what happens after very well could be. How do you and your partner behave when you experience obstacles?
Unrepaired conflicts become the cracks that ultimately lead to the end of many relationships. So, you can and should be forgiving when your partner makes a mistake during a conflict. However, if your partner continues to double down on their choices instead of seeking to resolve your differences, then you’ll want to evaluate the potential of the relationship.
Here are seven red flags that only show up during your first couple fight:
1. They deny your feelings or experiences
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Do they argue with you and ignore your feelings? Arguing with you about how you feel or what you experienced is not only disrespectful but can also feel like gaslighting. So, assess if your partner can acknowledge your feelings or continue to ignore them.
Psychological research on gaslighting indicates that it is a manipulative tactic where a person deliberately undermines another's sense of reality, often through denial, contradiction, and distortion of facts, causing the victim to doubt their perceptions and sanity, frequently occurring in intimate relationships and characterized by power imbalances.
A recent study by the Journal of Social and Personal Relationships has linked gaslighting behaviors to traits like narcissism and a desire for control, with potential consequences including decreased self-esteem, anxiety, and difficulty trusting others. However, research on gaslighting is still developing, with a need for more robust studies to understand its dynamics and effective interventions fully.
2. They get defensive or don’t take responsibility
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Many people have an initial defensive reaction to conflict. This is normal human behavior. Does your partner refuse to ever take responsibility?
This red flag can leave you feeling like you're being blamed for everything that goes wrong or that your partner has nothing but excuses. An ideal life partner will take responsibility for their actions.
Not taking responsibility in a relationship, often referred to as a lack of accountability, can significantly damage the relationship by eroding trust, creating conflict, and leading to resentment, with potential underlying reasons including defense mechanisms, low self-esteem, fear of vulnerability, and past experiences with unhealthy relationship patterns, according to research from Brigham Young University.
3. They refuse to budge on their position
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If your partner is chronically stubborn and refuses to budge, then you will be in a constant power struggle. This will leave you feeling exhausted and like you have to always compromise or give in.
Healthy relationships have a balance of give-and-take. Working things out doesn’t mean that you always have to be the one to compromise.
4. They disrespect you and your choices
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Disrespect is a relationship killer and should not be ignored. You want to be loved and accepted as who you are.
If your partner doesn’t respect you or your choices, then you will never feel loved and accepted. A relationship that makes you feel guilty and has you walking on eggshells is not worth keeping.
Research from 2017 indicates that disrespect in a relationship can significantly damage the relationship dynamic, leading to decreased satisfaction, lower commitment, and potential for emotional distress, with studies highlighting that consistent disrespect can even be a predictor of relationship dissolution, mainly when it manifests as contempt. Renowned relationship researcher John Gottman considers contempt the most damaging factor in a relationship.
5. They stonewall you
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It's impossible to resolve your issues if you can never talk about them. Stonewalling or ignoring issues will not make them go away. It will simply leave landmines buried in the relationship that can blow up at any time.
Research on stonewalling in relationships, primarily conducted by The Gottman Institute, indicates that stonewalling is a highly destructive communication pattern that can significantly damage a relationship by creating emotional distance, hindering conflict resolution, and leading to feelings of isolation and invalidation for the partner being stonewalled. Research also shows that stonewalling is often a strong predictor of divorce, mainly when exhibited by women in a relationship.
6. They agree to change but don’t follow through
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Avoiding conflict by agreeing to something without any intention to follow through is a conflict red flag. This passive-aggressive behavior will create mistrust as you will be unsure if your partner can honor their word.
2010 research points towards issues related to commitment, attachment styles, communication patterns, and underlying personal factors like procrastination or a lack of self-regulation, with concepts like relationship sabotage and akrasia being relevant in understanding this behavior. The study highlights how inconsistent follow-through can erode trust and damage the quality of the relationship.
7. They focus on your flaws but ignore their own
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Being in a relationship with someone who is critical of you and constantly points out your flaws can destroy your self-esteem. This is especially insidious when your partner refuses to look at their behavior. Find someone who lifts you, not someone who tries to tear you down.
Findings from the Personality and Social Psychology Bulletin found that focusing excessively on your flaws while overlooking their shortcomings in a relationship is often linked to low self-esteem and negative self-perception and can be a form of cognitive distortion, sometimes referred to as personalization, where individuals attribute blame for issues disproportionately to themselves, even when not entirely responsible.
Orna and Matthew Walters are soulmate coaches and have helped thousands of readers create long-lasting love for over a decade.