5 Red Flags Most People Overlook When They Meet Someone New
The subtle red flags can be even more harmful.
Khosro | Canva Most of us know the obvious red flags in relationships. If they disrespect you, leave. If they talk constantly about their ex, run for the hills. Yet, there are some lesser-known red flags too many of miss.
The reason these are so impactful is that we don't know what to look for. We may even feel a little nagging sense that something is wrong, but ignore it because the "big" red flags aren't present. That's a mistake.
Five commonly overlooked red flags that deserve way more attention
Licensed therapist Jeff Guenther highlights the five bright red flags that just aren't talked about enough.
1. They don't know what their red flags are
"We've all got them and if you don't know yours, how can you prevent them from impacting your relationship, " begins Guenther.
The world is not made of people who are all bright green flags. We all have flaws to address and actively work on to imporve. So, when a person recognizes their red flags and is working to be better, well that right there is a good sign.
2. They can't admit the patriarchy has a powerful impact on the relationship
The patriarchy exists whether some like to admit to it or not. Acknowledging its existence doesn't mean you hate men.
According to the BBC, patriarchy refers to "rule of the father". Patriarchy also reflects how the social power dynamic starts in the family with men, the fathers, as unquestionable heads of their households, which is passed from fathers to sons by way of property inheritance, and resonates to the highest positions of political power.
How does patriarchy matter in your relationship? Well, in a world where men and women work, it's important to have equal standing in the workplace and the home life. Yes, men should be cooking and cleaning as much as women do, as well as taking on their share of emotional labor.
If you can't acknowledge the systemic effects of patriarchy and how traditional roles work against women, how will you ever be able to have a truly equal relationship? As Guenther explains, "If you can't see the societal structures at play it's hard to tear them down together, which is bonding."
3. They live in a polarized reality where everything is black and white
People who live in a polarized reality can be exhausting. The mindset of, constantly thinking "It's either this way or that way," takes an emotional toll, as illustrated by Black and White Thinking: A Cognitive Distortion. Yet, few things in life are truly ever 100% one way or another. Most of the time there is an in-between. If you can't acknowledge the in-between where does that leave your relationship?
Guenther points out, "How will I ever have a nuanced conversation with you where we can explore the gray areas and have different truths that are both right and equally valid?" Not acknowledging the existence of more than one truth can cause the tension in your relationship to worsen and worsen until it eventually explodes.
4. They can name what don't want in a partner but can't name what they do want
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I have a list of qualities I want in a partner and guess what? There's nothing wrong with that. It becomes a problem when you can only name your dislikes and never your what you like in a partner.
Guenther explains, "To me, it sounds like you're still reacting to your last relationship and feeling really bitter about it." Once again, there's nothing wrong with knowing what you want. But only listing your dislikes? Well, unfortunately that makes you sound awfully defensive.
5. They don't have friends who challenge them
We all need someone in our life that inspires us to do better. If the person in question has nobody to challenge them, can they ever be better? Do we always need someone else to make us improve and why is this?
Guenther asks, "Is it because you can't handle constructive criticism, or are you surrounding yourself with people who only tell you what you wanna hear? Either way, this is a huge red flag and can show a lack of maturity on their part.
Subtle red flags might be more challenging to notice, but there are no less critical to recognize than the obvious red flags we all have learn to survive in a tumultuous world.
Marielisa Reyes is a writer with a bachelor's degree in psychology who covers self-help, relationships, career, and family topics.