5 Big Reasons You Shouldn't Get Married — That Mean You'd Make A Great Spouse
Fear can be a sign you're ready to take the big plunge.
Анна Хазова | Pexels The word "marriage" can strike fear into the hearts of even the most confident people. So many folks feel scared of the big "I do" that marriage rates are at an all-time low. But not all fears of marriage are bad. In fact, some may actually mean you're ready for this level of commitment.
This isn't to say people aren't still coupling up, buying homes, and having children. They're just not getting married. According to the National Center for Health Statistics, "a record number of current youth and young adults are projected to forego marriage altogether" Marriage as "the institution" — the binding, legal agreement — is what people truly fear. And you know what? That fear isn't baseless, but it is possible to overcome it. So, let's stare this fear of marriage in the face and try to unravel it.
5 Reasons You Shouldn't Get Married That Mean You'll Be A Great Spouse
1. You have a fear of repeating mistakes (yours or your divorced parents)
Your first familiarity with adult relationships came from your parents. You experienced second-hand what marriage is like. If you didn't have a good marriage model at home, where else were you going to find one? You also learned a lot of behaviors by watching your parents, and, if you're honest, you've probably repeated some of those behaviors, even if you swore you never would.
A 2010 study suggested the long-lasting "effects of the parent-adult child relationship on adult children's marriages depend on age, marital duration, and levels of family stress experienced in childhood."
Also, if you're like many children of divorce, you see only two options regarding marriage — you will never get married or you will never get divorced. Like any "either/or choice," you never explore the other possibilities in between. Just because your parents couldn't make it work doesn't automatically mean you won't.
There's great information available on how to have successful relationships if you look. And most people don't swear off being in serious romantic relationships, therefore you're not avoiding the potential challenges anyway.
2. You have a fear of losing yourself
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There's another misconception at play here, the one where you must either remain completely independent or become completely dependent. A good marriage only requires you to become interdependent. To do that, you each must maintain separate identities, but you also choose to be a part of something greater than either of you alone.
Interdependence is needed for a relationship as shown by a 2000 study that found, "interdependent people in "closer and more committed relationships were more likely to take into account the needs and wishes of others when making decisions [so their partners] viewed them as open and responsive to their needs and concerns; these perceptions were related to positive evaluations of the relationship." That's one of the greatest benefits of marriage — someone is in the foxhole with you — sharing the same experiences.
3. You have a fear of being hurt
The idea that you can go through life and not experience any pain is unrealistic. Joining your life with someone else's, without getting married, doesn't protect the relationship from failing. If it ends, you'll feel just as hurt as if you had tied the knot (you're just spared some legal frustration in the parting, perhaps).
But in sparing yourself that, you thereby miss out on legal protections that come with marriage. When you own property and have children together, breaking up is often more challenging if you aren't married. If you honor your marital commitments, the legal arrangement can help keep you together through the challenges that all long-term relationships experience.
4. You don't want to waste money
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Issues around money are often the reason couples hesitate to get married. Simply because money isn't about dollars and cents but about what money means to each of you. It's very personal. That's why so many couples struggle over the topic. How you handle money says a lot about you as a person, and it's hard to let others see that part of you.
It's easier to keep that piece of your life separate. You can do that — if you're not married. Not to mention, it's scary to think about giving someone else access to your money or taking on their debt. Overcoming these fears requires a tremendous amount of honesty.
But marriage is a wealth generator. This is why the marriage rates are higher the further up the socio-economic ladder you climb. An American Journal of Sociology study showed that "wealth plays an important role in first marriage entry." Instead of believing you can't afford to get married (which usually means you can't afford a big wedding), you might want to consider that you can't afford not to get married.
5. You don't want to get stuck in outdated gender roles
Years ago a salesperson came to my door looking for the "little wifey." My husband sent her around to the backyard, where I was. He followed to witness what she would experience if she called me that to my face. If you want a traditional relationship with traditional gender roles, that's fine. But that is completely up to you and your partner.
Despite that some women who make more money than their husbands take on traditional roles to seem less threatening to their men, most of them don't need this kind of coddling. A good marriage is a true partnership, with both of you pitching in to do what needs doing — with no regard to gender.
No relationship is without its challenges, and marriage is no different.
But, it isn't something to fear either. It offers more security in an uncertain world than just living together. This is because it's both an emotional obligation and a legal contract. It requires a conscious choice and ongoing, intentional actions. Committing to connect deeply with another person for a lifetime takes vision and courage. I had some of these fears from my parent's divorce and personal failed romantic relationships. But having celebrated my 29th wedding anniversary, I couldn't imagine my life any other way.
Lesli Doares is a therapist, coach, and the founder of Foundations Coaching, a practical alternative for couples worldwide looking to improve their marriage without traditional therapy.
