4 Uncomfortable Reasons Some People Leave Every Happy Relationship They Have
Most of us leave becuase things are bad, but not these people.
BublikHaus via Shutterstock So, your partner is considerate and kind — they check all the boxes. They're kind and respectful and they seem to have healthy boundaries. Despite this, you find yourself getting increasingly uncomfortable and tempted to leave a happy relationship.
Or maybe it's your partner who seems uncomfortable with the comfort. Whether it's you or your partner growing restless in an otherwise great relationship, it's helpful to know that this pattern is common — and it doesn't mean you're doomed. The most important thing is to understand the deeper reasons why some people chronically leave happy relationships.
Relationship podcaster Jimmy Knowles shared a video that illustrates some of the real reasons we break up with our partners even when things aren't bad.
Four reasons why people leave happy relationships time and again
1. They're bored and think something is missing
If they're kind, considerate, helpful, and sometimes even feel like your best friend. So then, where does this urge stem from? Well, likely, it's because you're bored.
"There's no chemistry or passion," you might tell a friend. But, is that true — is something really missing or did it just cool down in a way that's normal in healthy, long-term relationships? The honeymoon phase is the euphoric period at the beginning of a relationship and inevitably settles down over time, and that doesn't mean anything is wrong!
Listen, just because you don't have the same chemistry as you did in the beginning of the relationship — or even that you had in past relationships that were more "spicy" — doesn't mean it's time to break up.
2. They think chemistry is the same as connection
Sure, you had "chemistry" in past relationships, but maybe the chemistry you thought you had was really something else. As Knowles says, "Listen, I'm not saying stick it out if there's no connection or chemistry, of course, those things are important."
He continues, "But, let's be honest, chemistry hasn't been our best guide so far, right? In fact, it's led you astray every single time."
Research on interpersonal chemistry supports how chemistry is not the same as an actual intimate connection between romantic partners. If we look back, most of your toxic exes probably had something in common with each other. They were all probably emotionally unavailable or just a straight-up narcissist.
Knowles explains, "It's actually more familiar for you to get guys who neglect you and are hot and cold. You're used to having to chase and earn their love." But that isn't love and that isn't a steaming hot connection. It's actually a familiar bad habit.
3. The known is comfortable — even if it is chaotic
People love the known and hate the unknown. Most of us are terrified of doing something new because we are creatures of habit. So, if we are used to explosiveness in our lives, it only makes sense we would be uncomfortable in the silence, as research on adult attachment helps us understand. After all, we aren't used to silence.
We aren't used to not arguing 24/7. We aren't used to not going to bed crying or feeling safe. So then, what do we do? We break up and go after people who remind us of the explosive environment we grew up in.
4. The brain craves novelty
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This isn't healthy or a good idea. Because, if you truly want beautiful love, you need to learn how to break this toxic cycle. You have to be OK in the silence and be OK with not always having to fix people or save them. I get it, easier said than done, right?
It's important to understand your brain's response because your brain is scared about what it can't understand so it tries to escape. It tries to go back to what is familiar.
However, it's up to us to stop our unconscious thoughts and talk to our partner or a therapist, not hold things in, and allow ourselves to express those doubts and fears clouding our minds.
It'll take trial and error to get there. But, with some guidance and a little bit of vulnerability, you'll slowly find it easier and easier.
Marielisa Reyes is a writer with a bachelor's degree in psychology who covers self-help, relationships, career, and family topics.