The Real Reason You Feel Trapped By Romantic Relationships, According To A Psychotherapist

Entering into a healthy and happy relationship is truly wonderful. Feeling safe, loved, supported, and understood, are all the ingredients that make a relationship last. So then, why do we get triggered in these happy, healthy relationships?

The real reason why being in a relationship triggers you

Psychologist Dr. Aria Campbell Danesh explores the real reasons behind why being in a relationship triggers you.

"Even though deep down you know you're in a loving and safe relationship, your mind is screaming for you to get out," says Danesh.

The triggers are your old wounds

Yet here's the undeniable truth: the triggers have nothing to do with you and everything to do with your unhealed old wounds. And because your old wounds and insecurities haven't healed, you might find yourself lashing out at your partner seemingly out of the blue.

Yet, the reality of these outbursts stems from the deepest pain you never got to address. Yes, you're sad, angry, and incredibly hurt by the pain you had to go through.

You don't know how to react

Most of all, you don't know how to react to anything. For the first time in your life, you have peace thanks to your healthy relationship. And for the first time, you have the space to address the problems your mind has been unconsciously burying to keep you safe.

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Anger points to what you need to address in yourself

Which is why you need to understand these emotional outbursts. Nine times out of ten, these outbursts of anger are pointing you to places within yourself that need to be addressed.

Danesh suggests, "Instead of running slow down and ask yourself, 'What past experiences are being mirrored in this moment?"

Did your partner say something triggering? What were their intentions? What did their words bring you back to?

Did it bring you back to a previous relationship? Did it bring you back to your childhood? How does it make you feel?

Try to pause before responding

Take a moment to pause before responding. Figure out where these emotional outbursts stem from. However, even if you know where they come from being able to control them is a different matter entirely. 

So, how do we keep our angry outbursts in check when we feel them taking over? Well, the American Psychological Association has a few suggestions.

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Here's how to control your anger

1. Change your mindset

The American Psychological Association writes, "When you’re angry, it’s easy to feel like things are worse than they really are."

We over-exaggerate both our emotions and behavior to drive home the point of how we are actually feeling. Yet, the unfortunate truth is that this only makes our anger worse.

You see, what we really need is a change in mindset. And the best way to get there? Well, it's to change our language.

So, stop using words like "never" or "always" in disagreements. 

The American Psychological Association writes, "Use logic. Even when it's justified, anger can quickly become irrational. Remind yourself that the world is not out to get you."

2. Work on communicating

When we are pissed a lot of us find it hard to express ourselves clearly. We begin to assume the worst outcome and imagine all the worst-case scenarios.  This is why it's important to take a step back before you respond and if necessary, take a twenty-minute to help yourself reset.

Taking a moment to cool off and gather your thoughts can help you maintain a clearer mind, making it easier to work through issues together. 

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Marielisa Reyes is a writer with a bachelor's in psychology who covers self-help, relationships, career, and family topics.