4 Rare Habits Of Couples Who Know How To Show Up Even On The Ugly Days
Love isn’t just about the good times.
SolStock | Canva Some couples click. You never see them get frustrated with one another. They’re always kissing and touching in public. They constantly look like they’re having the most fun possible.
A lot of work goes on behind the scenes in those relationships. They aren’t going home to sit in the dark and express their feelings to one another all night long. It’s a lot simpler than that. In intimate relationships, it’s the little things that make or break you when you inevitably encounter ugly days in your relationship.
Here are rare habits of couples who know how to show up even on the ugly days:
1. They touch each other
I cannot express the importance of this enough. I don’t believe in people who say they don’t like public displays of affection. To me, it sounds like they’re just worried about people judging them. Because really what else would it be?
Everyone needs touch. It’s a strange thing. But we do. Animals who receive less physical affection tend to be underdeveloped and overall less happy than those who receive regular touch in their developmental years.
Kory Floyd, PhD explained, "Whether you’re a touchy-feely person or not, there are multiple reasons to be more physically affectionate in your close relationships. Even if your love language isn't physical touch, it's natural to crave being touched. One of the reasons why hugging, holding hands, and touching feel good to us is that these behaviors elevate our level of oxytocin, a hormone that reduces pain and causes a calming sensation."
The bottom line is the more you and your partner engage in physical touch, the more happy-loving chemicals will be released in your bodies, and you’ll like each other. It’s like you're tricking them into loving you but with hugs! So get over that little trigger that says ‘People are watching, I can’t kiss you,’ because you know what those people are thinking about? Themselves. Always. I promise: you’re not that important.
2. They show gratitude
PeopleImages.com - Yuri A via Shutterstock
Do you know the number one thing that leads to happy productive employees? Positive feedback. But not just any positive feedback. Frequent positive feedback.
Psychologist Ron Friedman discusses in his book The Best Place To Work, “Business feedback indicates that smaller frequent positive feedback and rewards will keep people happy longer than a single large infrequent happy event.”
This isn’t just true for business, it’s true for humans. We’re more likely to stay happy if we know we’re on the right path and that we’re being appreciated.
Showing daily gratitude to your partner is essential for a thriving relationship. You should never assume your partner ‘just knows’ how you feel about them. And even if they do, it’s something they’ll never get sick of hearing. Well…unless you’re just repeating ‘I love you‘ for hours at a time. That may be overkill.
3. They make unbreakable dates
Whatever you spend the most time on is going to flourish. That’s a fact. That even goes for the things you don’t particularly enjoy.
If you spend the majority of your time working hard at a job you hate, you are unwittingly locking yourself into that position. How many times have you heard of people who have been working long hours and want to quit their jobs, but just before they could, they were offered a shiny new position and pay raise? It happens all the time. All of their hard work paid off, they just didn’t want it to pay off.
So, shouldn’t your relationship be high on your priority list? We’re constantly plugged into work and social stimulation. Things come up. Things get rescheduled. And that’s life. But, you and your partner should put one day a week aside that is just for you. Everything else is rescheduled around that day. Meetings are pushed, and friends are brushed off. It’s date night, darn it!
This simple act alone shows your partner you’re making them a priority. It tells them your relationship is important and you are fully aware it takes time and energy to keep it functioning. It doesn’t have to be anything extravagant. As long as it’s just the two of you, unplugged from the outside world and fully committed to connecting with one another.
"You must find things to do as a couple that you can both enjoy. If you have vastly different interests, then you can enter this with the spirit of taking turns and each agrees to happily participate in the activity chosen by the one whose turn it is that week. As long as you make a habit of making your relationship a priority and allocating time each week for the rejuvenation of the feelings that attracted you in the first place, then you stand a good chance of staying together for the long haul," advised dating coach Alexander Greenberg.
4. They have regular check-ins
Cast Of Thousands via Shutterstock
The best way to get any information is to ask someone what you want to know. In the case of your relationship, the best way to know if things are going well is to ask your partner.
The most important part of this process is fully prepare yourself for the possibility they may have some criticisms. You have to be able to listen openly to any negative feedback without lashing out or putting the blame on them. You should be able to talk openly and honestly.
I’m not saying that’s easy. Your relationship is a sensitive area. They’re the person who is supposed to love and accept you the most, so it can be difficult to hear negative feedback from someone whose opinion you hold in (hopefully) high regard.
As long as you both agree to come from a place of love. You both want to build the best partnership possible and part of building something is knowing where your weaknesses lie and addressing them head-on.
That super loving couple, they work their behinds off. Either that or it’s a show they put on in public, and in reality, they hate each other’s guts, which, I imagine, is also hard work, but I don’t recommend it.
These are all super easy steps you can implement today to make your love a little brighter. Text them right now and schedule a date, or lean over and bite their thigh, or just look up and ask them how you’re doing as a partner. All it takes is one first move.
Jordan Gray is a five-time #1 Amazon best-selling author, public speaker, and relationship coach with more than a decade of practice behind him. His work has been featured in The New York Times, BBC, Forbes, The Huffington Post, and more.
