3 Questions You Must Ask Yourself If It Feels Like Your Relationship Is Going Nowhere
Is it time to let go and move on? Here's how to tell.
nomadsoulphotos | Canva Finding a relationship with the right person is a dream come true. But, when you start feeling like you've hit a dead-end, it's challenging to decide when to break up.
Whether you've broken up or are considering reuniting with an ex, making the right decision is daunting. Breaking up with someone is never easy, and getting over it and learning what to do after a breakup is painful — especially if you're still in love with the person you're struggling to be with.
I had a relationship like that. We met at the beginning of June. By the middle of July, we were in love and saying cutesy things like, "Baby, are we going to be happy together forever?" But we broke up before forever came. Just ten months later, as a matter of fact. Not because I didn't love her. I did. And I still do. But because we started rowing our boat in different directions.
When you row in different directions, it's either time to have a chat and start going in the same direction, or it's time to abandon the ship.
Still, after we broke up, there were weeks of gut-wrenching questions. The ones that make you feel like your guts have been cut open onto the floor, like "Should we get back together?" or "Will I ever find a love like that again?" or "What if she finds someone else she loves more?"
Those questions are difficult. For one thing, they are impossible to answer. For another thing, they only leave you feeling completely miserable.
We said things to each other you only want to tell one person. The thought of her telling some other guy those same things was like a meat cleaver in my chest.
Asking these questions led me on a trip around the world before I realized those questions don't help create a healthy relationship or learn how to move on without regret.
Here are 3 questions you must ask yourself if your relationship is going nowhere:
1. Do you have to edit what you say when you talk to your partner?
If you're editing your words, it's a possibility you feel the need to live up to their expectations of you.
This stinks and makes you increasingly feel unsafe, unloved, and unworthy. People can talk about being secure in themselves, but a relationship is a union of two people who share their vulnerabilities.
If you can't do that without editing, you can move on without feeling any regret.
2. Have you given them every chance to stay together?
Let's say you break up but are open to getting back together if the core issue is addressed.
These are not core issues:
Money: Of course, money is important. But, it is not all-important. You can always make more money. You can never make more time.
Job: The job you have or don't have is not a core issue. People change jobs all the time. If your partner doesn't like your job, find the core issue to resolve it.
Education: Sometimes, people will look down on you if you aren't from a particular college or didn't attend college. Again, if this causes issues, distill them to the core to resolve them.
These are the core issues:
Communication: Are you able to communicate openly and vulnerably with each other? If you aren't able to for whatever reason, it's time for a serious conversation.
Solidarity (being on each other's team): If there is one defining characteristic of a couple that you want to be like, it's this. Do you have each other's back? When someone says something about your partner, are you there to defend them? If not, or if your partner doesn't, it's time to reconsider the relationship.
Trust: This can be tricky because many people have been hurt in relationships and can be inherently defensive. If you can't bring yourself to trust your partner, and you can't get their help (you'll need it; it's a relationship), then you can move on without regret and learn to make better choices in a partner next time.
If you're willing to work on these things, but your partner keeps focusing on the non-core issues, you can move on without regret.
3. Were you unrealistic in the relationship?
Looking back on the relationship, if you are honest with yourself, could you admit you were unrealistic?
In other words, were there moments or situations where you paused, wondered what was going on, but then filled in the gap with what you wanted to believe?
If you feel parts of your relationship aren't based in fact, or you ignored issues to "make it work," don't do it anymore. Admit it's time for you to move on.
Starting a new relationship is never easy, and tricking yourself into pining after someone who isn't right for you won't make you happy, either.
Ask yourself these questions if you suspect your relationship isn't going anywhere so you can move on, without regrets, into a relationship that will truly let you both shine.
Michael Griswold is a relationship and life coach who uses his expertise to help men and women heal broken hearts and find love again.