The Most Important Question To Ask Before You Get Engaged
The future of your relationship is at stake.
Katerina Holmes | Canva Long-lasting love doesn’t just happen because the two of you are hot for each other and get along well. You want to be on the same page when it comes to the essential things in life. But how do you know you’re on the same page?
Specifically, how do you know that you share a vision of your future together? If your current relationship is moving toward marriage, many questions demand answers.
The answer to this pre-engagement question will literally determine your future
You want to know how your partner thinks about (and spends) money, how physically compatible you expect to be, and whether you want to start a family together. You'll want to understand the family dynamic during their childhood, their religious and spiritual beliefs, and their relationship history. Research from 2023 indicates that being physically intimate is an important aspect of a healthy marriage.
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You'll want to know what they want in life, and how they like to spend their time. Most of all, you'll want to make absolutely sure that whatever the future holds, you see each other in it together — before you get engaged. That way, when life presents those inevitable challenges and obstacles, you'll be able to find comfort in the knowledge that you won't have to face them alone.
What are your goals for the future? No, it's not funny or cute or flirty, but this one open question will reveal so much. Mainly, it will help you understand the road ahead if you're determined to marry this person.
But it also might help you determine that the match might not be ideal, after all. By asking, you'll seek to discover practical information about your romantic partner such as:
- Do you want to travel the world?
- Are you focused on having children right away?
- Are you a personal growth junkie?
- Are you comfortable with things as they are?
- Where do you see the two of you 10 years from now?
- What does your ideal retirement look like, and where?
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Your vision of the future doesn't have to correspond exactly. Besides, where's the fun in that? For a successful marriage, you don’t have to have the same interests in life.
Your partner can compete in all the triathlons they want, while you sit at home and binge your favorite TV show. However, you will want to be going in the same direction in life. Otherwise, what's the point of spending your life together?
You can grow together — or grow apart. You can’t grow apart if you share the same vision of your life together. These are questions to ask before getting married that reveal how you can build a life together, instead of growing apart. According to research from 2012, increased growth in a relationship leads to increased satisfaction.
If you don’t address these questions before you’re married, you will be forced to address them afterward. And you don’t want to discover that you are too different to work things out in the long run.
Don’t assume that your future spouse has the same vision of marriage as you do. Ask questions and be curious before getting married — and stay curious after you're hitched! You can work out all the logistics and day-to-day stuff once you’ve settled into married life together.
Orna and Matthew Walters are dating coaches and founders of Creating Love On Purpose with a holistic approach to transforming hidden blocks to love, and the authors of Getting It Right This Time.