4 Tiny Qualities That Will Make You Healthier Than 98% Of Couples
Wake up. Clean up. Show up. Are you interested?
Jakob Owens | Unsplash It may come as a surprise to you that four qualities set the destiny of every relationship. By the time you have finished reading, you will recognize these qualities in yourself and understand why past relationships have gone as they did, and why present relationships are going as they are.
Here are 4 tiny qualities that will make you healthier than 98% of couples.
1. Sincerity
Sincerity is being true to your word and true to yourself. That means keeping your word and giving your word if you feel right with yourself, doing so. I understand there are situations where you feel compelled to give your word. If you feel compelled to do it, you can't be sincere. Sincerity is not being persuasive or emotional. Sincerity is a condition of alignment between thoughts, feelings, and actions — without internal conflict, misgivings, or second-guessing. Sincerity is being true to yourself.
2. Availability
Availability is being present — not just in a psychological sense, but also physically present. Availability is being present to be seen, heard, and felt. Again, I understand there are situations where you feel compelled to make yourself available. If you feel compelled to be available, you won't be wholehearted. If you're not wholehearted about being available, you're not available.
Being available is not merely being available in a "Call me anytime" way. Being available is an emotional and physical state. It's being capable of listening and being honest. Lying and deception are forms of unavailability. So are breaking one's word, which is our first hint at how these qualities interact.
3. Showing interest
Interest is when you have an attraction to a situation, person, subject, or thing. Interest may be feigned, but you know the difference. If it takes effort to stay interested, you're not interested. I understand there are times you are not interested, and you force yourself to stay with it. Sometimes, necessity is a factor. Just don't confuse necessity with interest. Sometimes, you feel wrong for being interested in something or someone. That's too bad, not because you're interested, but because you feel wrong about it.
4. Cooperativeness
Cooperativeness is "co" ("with") and "operativeness" ("doing-ness"). If you're doing something with another person, you are cooperating. If you're on a date, with someone, you're cooperating. If, on the other hand, one of you is not interested, not available, or not sincere — it's a bad date. I understand that, at times, you have to cooperate under those conditions. Maybe your boss (or partner) has asked you to do something you're not into. You may go through the motions out of necessity. Just don't confuse necessity with cooperativeness. Cooperation is whole-hearted; otherwise, conflicting motivations creep in and spoil the experience. What kind of cooperation would you want in a relationship?
How do they work together?
For a relationship of any kind to be successful all four qualities need to be aligned and working synergistically. That is, integrity or authenticity.
1. There are six aligned pairings.
- Sincerely available
- Sincerely interested
- Sincerely cooperative
- Interested availability
- Interested in cooperating
- Available to cooperate
2. There are four "truth standards":
- Sincerely sincere
- Interestedly interested
- Cooperatively cooperative
- Available to be available
Any resistance to these pairings reveals where you're at in relationships. It reveals your character to yourself.
3. The standard of clarity: Non-alignment in relationship
Be sure you understand each of the pairings and its opposite.
- Insincerely available (Dishonest)
Sincerely unavailable (Honesty)
Insincerely unavailable (Hesitancy) - Insincerely interested (Dishonesty)
Sincerely uninterested (Honest)
Insincerely uninterested (Hiding Feelings) - Insincerely cooperative (Sabotage)
Sincerely uncooperative (Antagonism)
Insincerely uncooperative (Self-sabotage) - Interested but unavailable (Prior commitment)
Uninterested but available (Noncommittal mediocrity)
Uninterested unavailability (Disdain) - Interested but uncooperative (Reserve)
Uninterested cooperation (Obligation)
Uninterested uncooperativeness (Neglect) - Unavailable to cooperate (Avoidance/Hiding)
Available but uncooperative (Contrariness)
Unavailable-y uncooperative (Refusal)
4. Standards of deception
- Insincerely sincere
- Uninterestedly interested
- Uncooperatively cooperative
- Unavailable for being available
How do you apply these to relationships?
We meet in various relationships in many areas and ways: work, love, intimacy, and business. You can apply the pairings of the four qualities to any area of life and any incident or situation.
1. Casual relationships
A mix of aligned and unaligned combinations produces casual or superficial relationships. Consider social media friends. Consider co-workers and people you encounter in business. Consider any casual relationship. Look at it in terms of the pairings. Look at the pairings in yourself and in the other person. Look at words and actions. Look at whether the actions are consistent with the words. Look at the activities you share. They are revealing.
2. Close relationships
Closeness occurs when all four qualities are active and integrated, and all pairings are present. To the degree the four qualities are present in their aligned form (the first set of six), to that degree, we have closeness, and it feels like closeness. However, when we are close in one area, as in having gone through a growth experience, a disaster, or a big success, we may or may not be close in many areas.
If we feel close in one area, we may expect closeness applied to all areas of life. But what has developed is an untested, superficial trust factor that only potentially leads to deep friendship or intimacy. Such relationships are relatively close and are only relatively revealing as they only reveal misalignments. The area of misalignment is the sense of distance between individuals.
3. Intimate relationships and soulmates
Intimates and soulmates share alignment in fundamental areas, the deep areas of self. We have an integrity that has stood the test of many situations. Intimacy especially reveals our misalignments. Relative closeness and intimacy differ in the willingness to grow and change under the influence of the other person. And the willingness and ability to change where misalignments exist.
4. One-sidedness
Sometimes, the pairings of the four in ourselves and others mismatch in different aspects of our lives, so we feel differently about the relationship than they do. When this happens, check for a mismatch between words and actions in yourself and the other. There's a break. Sometimes, we override our feelings, sometimes, we are in denial. The overriding of feelings and denial lead to imbalances that may occur in any area of life — a break of integrity can lead to a breakup.
Wake up. Clean up. Show up. Are you interested?
Lawrence Gold is a Wellness Coach and certified Hanna somatic educator.