The Psychological Process That Messes With Your Mind When You Really Like A Guy
Plus, a 2-step process that helps people break a self-sabotaging cycle they don't even know they're in.
nd3000 | Canvand3000 | Canva Having a first date is a blast; a second is a rarity, and a third is downright amazing. When you get to this stage, things start to change and feel good between you and Mr. Everything. But it's not always easy to get to that third date.
Are you one of those people who very rarely gets to the second or third date with the people you'd like to (and probably too far with people you don't want to)? Something is likely holding you back — something keeping you from showing up as your best self.
With these simple steps, you can learn to change the way you think and create new good thoughts to keep you and your budding relationship going in the right direction—beyond the first, second, or third date and into something new, something better.
How you sabotage your chances at second and third dates (without even realizing it)
1. You can't stop thinking about him.
Maybe it's for a lot of reasons; he just does it for you — the way he smells, his raw open soul, his playfulness, his gentleness, his roughness, and the deepness of his voice. When you talk to him, you feel understood in a way you never felt before.
This is a blissful feeling, but something is starting to feel uneasy. You think this guy is too good to be true, and you are waiting for the bomb to drop. But ask yourself: Is he perfect for you or could it be a cognitive distortion?
2. You start to question yourself and your intuition.
You remember your last boyfriend, how he was sweet but became insensitive when he talked to you. He left you high and dry, and you cried so much your tear ducts felt like they couldn't make another drop. You were heartbroken, left all alone to pick up the pieces.
You wanted him on your timeline, but he wasn't, and it scared you. That's when you started pushing him for a relationship, but he backed away even more. He became different.
You ask yourself more questions when you thought you were ready to open yourself up, and he disappeared. You asked, "How could he do this to me? How could he have left me when things were going so great? I thought we were going to be together for a long time. What happened? Am I not good enough? Is he too good for me? Is something wrong with me?"
3. You start with the play-by-play of every date and every conversation.
It's like you have a photographic memory now, and every detail of him is on your mind. You remember exactly what he said every time you were together. You know what he was wearing, what you were wearing, and what you had for appetizers, dinner, and dessert. You remember the way you felt like it was yesterday. It wasn't supposed to be like the last guy, you tell yourself, but it turned out that way.
You imagine the new guy you met (who makes you feel adored) morphing into how your ex was. He becomes exactly like your ex, so much so that you can put his face on your ex-boyfriend's body and hear him saying the same hurtful things.
4. You begin to wonder if all men are alike.
They are all jerks; they are all the same, you tell yourself. In reality, the only thing that is the same is your old thought pattern. They are the same things you thought a long time ago, and they are affecting you today. They creep into your mind and influence your new relationship.
This kind of thinking will keep you going on the first date after the first date.
Old thought patterns keep you stuck in the past, and feelings of being unworthy give you emotions of hopelessness, shame, guilt, and fear. These feelings make you behave in ways that are not kind to you or your new potential partner and push away love with your negative thoughts. These thoughts that all men are the same will keep you in singledom.
The 2-step process to stop self-sabotaging second dates
Step one: Recognize the old thoughts you are thinking.
Write down your old limiting beliefs. These thoughts don't serve you now. Get out your pen, write them down, and sit with them for a minute. Before reading them, you may not have even realized these are the things you think. But, if you are like a lot of women who come to me for help, these are the thoughts that are holding you back in love. You may have a list of thoughts like these:
- I'm not good enough.
- I don't deserve something that feels so good.
- This seems too easy.
- Something is wrong with him to like someone like me.
- All men want is physical intimacy.
- All men are alike.
- I would rather be alone than get my heart broken again.
- I'm not pretty enough to keep a good guy around.
- I'll break his heart before he breaks mine.
We can't always believe what we tell ourselves. Being vulnerable is scary, and our conditioning from the past keeps us living in the holding pattern of old relationship fears. Thoughts like these come from your lower self, and not your higher self where your desires reside. Your soul is crying out for something more than what your mind and body have been telling you. You are living in the past.
Step two: Imagine life a year from now.
Read the list and ask yourself one question: Where do you want to be 12 months from now?
Write down what you want your love life to be like one year from now. Picture a perfect day with the partner of your dreams. Dig deep into the back of your mind and get details. Here are some questions you can ask your heart to get started:
- What will you eat for breakfast?
- Where will you wake up?
- Will you have a day at the spa together for a couples spa?
- Will you be walking the dog or collecting driftwood on the beach?
- Climbing a mountain together?
- Where will you eat dinner together?
- Will he tell you you are the most beautiful woman he has ever seen?
- Will he pick you wildflowers and tie them up with a piece of twine?
- Will you make love before bed and sleep with your bodies intertwined?
- What are the things your partner will do for you to make you feel loved?
- What are the things your partner will do with you to make you feel the most loved?
After you write out what you truly desire, tap into the feelings of what it will be like when you are together. With this list and your feelings, you can create a life you love. If it is too painful for you, pick out something from your past that does serve you. Focus on something good in your life.
Focus on the feelings of love, gratitude, appreciation, forgiveness, and joy, and breathe into your heart. Your heart will whisper in your ear and tell you, "You, my beautiful woman, are deserving of love." Please never forget that.
Photo: Rido via Shutterstock
You have a very important purpose while you are here on Earth.
You are here to laugh, be joyful, and fill every cell of your body with love.
Dina Colada is an author, speaker, and dating coach who specializes in helping single women navigate the modern world of online dating. Her work has appeared on sites like Prevention, MSN, Women’s Health, Plenty of Fish, and Zoosk.