2 Little Phrases That Soften Even The Most Defensive Partner, According To A Psychologist
How to show up for your love without compromising what you need.
Zamrznuti tonovi | Shutterstock When a relationship begins to grow deeper, it often feels like your partner's problems become yours and vice versa. For your relationship to make it through this stage, you have to have a reciprocal level of responsibility and show up for one another.
So what happens when one partner tends to be defensive or reactive? How can the less-defensive partner help settle that person without turning into their caretake? The answer lies in having healthy boundaries while making sure your actions and your language represent the security of your love.
Here are 2 little phrases that soften even the most defensive partner, according to a psychologist
Clinical psychologist Dr. Aria Campbell Danesh discusses the two ways to build trust with a defensive partner.
1. "I am listening"
"When your partner speaks, be curious and avoid interrupting," begins Dr. Danesh. Because ideally, you'd want your partner to feel heard and seen.
According to psychotherapist Douglas LaBier, "In fact, some new empirical research corroborates what we see clinically: Mutual support, and mutuality around differences and decision-making are necessary for a healthy relationship."
This all starts with active listening. But understandably, some of us may struggle with this. So, if you struggle with this then try fixing your body language first.
The United States Institute of Peace writes that things like eye contact, leaning forward, not interrupting, and giving a person time to respond, are all examples of active listening.
Moreover, restating what you hear, reflecting on their feelings, and asking open-ended questions can all help your partner feel listened to as well. Danesh explains that doing, "This will help them to feel heard and will reduce their need to defend themselves."
2. "You are safe"
Don't be afraid to open up to your partner and express how you're feeling. Because, nine times out of ten, they're probably feeling the same way. I get it, opening up is a lot easier said than done.
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Dr. Danesh tells us to, "Share your feelings and your experiences openly, which will then encourage your partner to lower their defenses." If you want to have a strong trusting relationship with your partner you need to get comfortable in the uncomfortable.
Don't forget, human beings are social creatures who crave, no, need a connection to thrive. Meaning, your partner needs to feel connected to you if they're going to get vulnerable with you.
But, how do we get there? Well, licensed counselor Kari Rusnak has some suggestions:
- Share goals you have in the future.
- Talk about your lack of vulnerability in your relationship and how you'd like to remedy that.
- Share about past experiences that have hurt you.
- Initiate physical touches like hugs or forehead kisses.
- Talk about your day together and how you felt during that day.
Marielisa Reyes is a writer with a bachelor's degree in psychology who covers self-help, relationships, career, and family topics.