10 Phrases Selfish Husbands Say Without Even Realizing It
They often reflect a lack of empathy, imbalance of effort, or emotional unavailability.
Violator22 | Shutterstock Anyone who has ever been married will tell you how difficult it can be sometimes. A minor disagreement can easily turn into a major blow-up, and some of the things couples say may be the result of a moment of pent-up frustration. However, it is common to underestimate how some of the things we say can be especially dismissive.
There will be times in a marriage where one or both partners may act selfishly on different occasions. This selfishness can appear subtly in basic communication. While every partner has the capacity to say these things, there are some phrases selfish husbands say without even realizing it. And they can be especially hurtful.
Here are 10 phrases selfish husbands say without even realizing it
1. 'That's not a big deal'
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Husbands sometimes minimize their partner's feelings or concerns by telling them they're not a big deal. Even if it may not seem like a big deal to him, it doesn't mean his partner's feelings don't matter. They have every right to feel frustrated that their husband forgot to take out the garbage despite being constantly reminded or that they forgot to make them a dinner reservation for celebration.
By saying it's not a big deal, husbands are telling their partner that their emotions are insignificant, which can impact the relationship.
According to psychotherapist Moshe Ratson, "Invalidation is particularly destructive in romantic relationships, where emotional safety and mutual respect are essential for long-term success."
Ratson referred to emotional invalidation as a "silent killer" of relationships, continuing, "When a partner's emotions are repeatedly invalidated, they may feel unimportant, invisible, or even unlovable. Over time, this breeds resentment and corrodes intimacy, setting the stage for relationship breakdown."
Instead of saying, "That's not a big deal," husbands should strive to say, "I'm sorry you're feeling that way. What can I do to help?" Just because he may not understand what the big deal is doesn't mean his partner's emotions aren't valid.
2. 'You're overreacting'
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"You're overreacting" is not only incredibly frustrating to hear, it's one of the phrases selfish husbands say without even realizing it. Husbands like this often want to focus on their partner's reaction instead of what they did to cause them to react in a particular way. It's a classic way of avoiding responsibility and deflecting their partner's emotions.
This phrase centers a husband's perspective over his partner's, creating a power imbalance in the conversation where his partner's feelings are dismissed. People are impacted by certain things in different ways. It is not up to anyone else how they should react.
Instead of critiquing their partner's reactions, husbands should try to understand why they reacted the way they did and what they can do to help. Because telling their partner that they're overreacting will only make things worse.
3. 'I work hard too, you know'
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This is often a phrase selfish husbands rely on when they're trying to avoid helping out their partners with something around the house, or in response to their partner expressing how exhausted they are. It means, "I don't care how burnt out you are because, in my eyes, I work way harder than you!"
Even if a husband works longer hours outside of the home with less of an opportunity for downtime as his partner, this does not negate the fact that his partner is also working hard. Because hard work is more than just physical labor; it's mental and emotional labor going on, too.
Much of their work may just be behind the scenes, often going unacknowledged and unnoticed. They may have washed, ironed and folded the clothes their husband wears to work. They may have filled up the car their husband uses to get to the office with gas the night before.
It is possible for both partners to work hard in their own ways without turning it into a degrading competition. Because, according to psychologist Mark Travers, PhD, "The persistent need to demonstrate one's worth or dominance can create an atmosphere of tension and mistrust, gradually corroding the foundation of mutual respect and understanding."
4. 'Why are you always so emotional?'
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Selfish husbands may try to turn their partner's vulnerability into a flaw. If they happen to have an emotional reaction over something, their husbands may be critical of them for being "too emotional." However, what they fail to realize is that the spectrum of everyone's emotions is different. What makes one person deeply upset may not bother another person so much.
Still, if their partner is particularly emotional about something, husbands should comfort them instead of criticizing them, trying to get a better idea of where they may be coming from.
Vulnerability and being open with your emotions is crucial in relationships. As licensed couples counselor Kari Rusnak revealed, "Being vulnerable creates emotional intimacy and connection. Opening yourself to your partner shows and builds trust and helps them understand you on a deeper level."
Nobody should have to walk on eggshells in a relationship or marriage. Instead of putting their partners down for being emotional, husbands should appreciate the fact that they are letting them in by openly expressing how they feel.
5. 'You're just trying to start a fight'
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When their partner calls them out, selfish husbands often try to deflect any of their wrongdoings by claiming their partner is just trying to be difficult. If their partner even tries to express how their actions or behaviors are hurting them, he will attempt to make it their problem by accusing them of starting a fight.
By doing this, husbands are only worsening their relationship since they are shutting down valid conversations before they even start. Having an open and honest conversation about some of the issues that are arising in your marriage is not necessarily trying to stir conflict. In fact, addressing the issues rather than avoiding them will strengthen relationships. It prevents misunderstandings, facilitates problem-solving and strengthens your bond as a couple.
"Communication is vital for healthy relationships. Being able to talk openly and honestly with the people in your life allows you to share, learn, respond, and forge lasting bonds," psychology educator Kendra Cherry shared. More fights start and get out of hand when people refuse to talk about the underlying tensions in their relationships.
6. 'I never asked you to do that'
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This is one of the more common phrases selfish husbands say without even realizing it, usually uttering it when their partner is simply asking for some acknowledgement of the kind things they selflessly do.
Even if a husband may not have asked his partner to surprise him with his favorite dessert or move across the country with him to pursue his dream job, acknowledgement and appreciation go a long way.
Sometimes, all their partner wants to hear is a simple "Thank you" or "I'm so lucky to have you" for doing things out of the kindness of their hearts, most of which they know will make their husband happy.
7. 'I deserve to relax when I get home'
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This is a phase selfish husbands resort to when their partners even dare to ask them for a little help after they come from work, especially when their partners have been home all day taking care of the kids and household duties.
Selfish husbands often believe that they must always be working harder than their partners if they have a job outside of the home. Therefore, they shouldn't be expected to help out with the kids or chores in any way once they get home.
However, they fail to realize that even if their partners may not have left the house all day, it doesn't mean they weren't working hard. Assuming that their partners weren't also working hard all day and expecting them to continue doing everything around the house long after they get home is cruel and dismissive.
In fact, splitting chores is beneficial to relationships. According to research published in PLOS One, doing chores in the home plays an important role in equality in a relationship. Researchers found that by not dividing chores equally among partners, the woman usually suffered more, feeling inadequate to their partner and feeling like they were considered an equal.
8. 'You always want something'
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If a partner wants acknowledgement, attention or at least a "thank you" from their husbands who don't seem to appreciate or even notice them, it can make them feel as if their most basic needs are a burden. In reality, all they are asking for is the bare minimum: doing the dishes, putting the laundry away, or pitching in on cooking dinner.
Spouses want to be thanked for taking on all of the housework so their husbands can rest. They want at least one night away from the kids to go out to dinner and reconnect as a couple. However, selfish husbands often brush them off and refuse to acknowledge their concerns, making them feel as if they are asking for too much.
9. 'You're lucky I even help with that'
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Selfish husbands often try to frame the bare minimum as a favor. If they happen to clean up their plate from the table or change their children's clothes, they will remind their partners that they're "lucky" for doing what should already be expected of them.
This phrase implies that shared responsibilities, such as parenting and housework, are a favor and that any contribution to them is going above and beyond. In a marriage, teamwork should not be viewed as an honor. It is a simple expectation required for all relationships to work.
"Teamwork recognizes that it's you and me against the problem — navigating jobs or money, kids, parents, time pressures, emotional pressures, or financial pressures," social worker and author Robert Taibbi shared. "Though we each have our own strengths and weaknesses, in the end, we work together equally to solve the problems that life throws at us."
No one should be told that they should be grateful for something that is already a given, like teamwork in marriages.
10. 'You're not the same as you used to be'
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"You're not the same as you used to be" is one of the phrases selfish husbands say without even realizing it, and it translates to "You're not as easy to manipulate as you used to be and I'm upset about it." Husbands often use this phrase when their partners begin to stand up for themselves.
Rather than asking themselves why their partner's behavior has changed overtime or how they can support the new version of them, selfish husbands imply that their partner's growth has been an inconvenience for them, and they preferred it when they were more submissive to their control. It also belittles their evolution, and implies that change is a bad thing.
We are all bound to experience changes to our behavior and personality over time. It is healthy and natural. In fact, a study published in the Journal of Research in Personality implies that we change overtime to adapt to the different roles we take on throughout our lives, whether it be from student to teacher, child to parent, or romantic partner to spouse.
When we marry someone, we are not going to be the same people we started the relationship as. Instead of weaponizing these inevitable changes, husbands can try to understand the new version of their partners and grow with them.
Megan Quinn is a staff writer with a bachelor's degree in English and a minor in Creative Writing. She covers news and lifestyle topics that focus on justice in the workplace, personal relationships, parenting debates, and the human experience.
