11 Phrases People Say When They're Trying To Convince Themselves It's Still Love
It's hard to let go of a relationship and admit there's no love left.
ViDI Studio | Shutterstock Although we don't like to admit it, falling out of love is as normal of a human emotion as falling in love is. Not every relationship is going to work out, and there's really nothing we can do to change that. However, in many cases, we would certainly like things to be different to spare ourselves the heartbreak and keep the status quo, which leads to certain phrases people say when they're trying to convince themselves it's still love.
Professor Raj Raghunathan, PhD discussed just why humans feel the need to not only be loved, but also to love others. "We know that the desire to love and care for others is... hard-wired and deep-seated because the fulfillment of this desire enhances our happiness levels," he revealed. "Expressing love or compassion for others benefits not just the recipient of affection, but also the person who delivers it." Love is practically part of our DNA, so it makes sense that we would try to hold onto it as tightly as possible, even when it just isn't right anymore.
Here are 11 phrases people say when they're trying to convince themselves it's still love
1. 'We just need to give it time'
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One common idea that may come up when someone is trying to convince themselves that their relationship is still full of love is that they just need to give things some time to work out. Unfortunately, that typically isn't the answer.
Someone who tells themselves that they need to give a relationship more time has likely already given it plenty of time to see what can be done and how it can improve. There is probably nothing left that can be done with more time.
One solution in this situation could be to meet in the middle and take a break in the relationship without actually breaking up. This does give you more time as a couple, but it's time spent apart to determine if staying together is really the best thing to do. This may be more constructive than continuing to wait it out together and see absolutely nothing change.
Licensed marriage and family therapist Anita Chlipala noted, "When a couple is having issues, a break can provide evidence of what's the best decision in terms of the relationship. It doesn't mean there's an official breakup, just that the couple is pausing the relationship for a certain period of time."
Pressing pause could give you the best of both worlds and allow you to have some more time to think things through without just sticking in the same situation.
2. 'I can't give up on us yet'
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"I can't give up on us yet" is one of the phrases people say when they're trying to convince themselves it's still love, in an effort to avoid giving into their true feelings. Giving up often feels like you're doing something wrong, and in our society, we're conditioned to avoid it at all costs. However, sometimes giving up is the strongest and best choice you can make, for yourself and your partner.
Julie Wadley, the founder and CEO of matchmaking company Eli Simone, pointed out that giving a relationship more time by delaying the inevitable doesn't really help anybody. "When it comes to people and relationships, time does not necessarily equal success," she said. Instead of holding out hope, it may really be time to let go.
When you're in a relationship, even if it's failing, it's easy to feel like giving up is equivalent to quitting. But times will come when you have to give up so that you can both move on to something that's better for you. You can't reach what's meant for you if you're stuck hanging on to the past.
3. 'They didn't really mean that'
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Everyone makes mistakes, and everyone deserves some grace because of that. You'd want the same extended to you, after all. But just because everyone makes mistakes doesn't mean everything is excusable.
If your partner is doing something that seriously hurts you in some way, physically or emotionally, it's best to not write it off and move on from it. Instead, something needs to be done.
According to psychotherapist Ivy Kwong, "If active, continual harm is happening, that makes the relationship too damaging to continue. For example, in the case of emotional or physical abuse, if the abuser is willing to keep trying but the partner being abused is continually hurt, sometimes trying isn't good enough. If this is the case, it may be the most healing and helpful to end the relationship."
If your partner is causing you pain in some way, it's not love anymore. Or, maybe there still is some love present in the relationship, but it's not healthy or safe to continue it. Either way, if you find yourself telling yourself that your partner didn't mean whatever they said or did often, it's a sure sign that you should move on.
4. 'We were meant to be together'
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This toxic mindset can be detrimental when you're trying to figure out whether there's any love left in a relationship. Sure, some people are meant to be together, but that's not true of every relationship.
You can't use this as an excuse to continue the relationship when it's clearly not working. Because, in that case, you really aren't meant to be together. You just wish that you were.
Clinical psychologist Dr. Lori Lawrenz pointed out that no relationship is picture perfect, and you may find yourself questioning the health of the relationship even when you're happy. Unfortunately, sometimes those questions can be a sign of a deeper problem.
"Have you felt a rift between you that can't be explained?" she asked. "Has it become increasingly difficult to communicate or share your likes and interests?"
If your answer is yes, then it may mean that the love really is gone. Thinking that you're soulmates isn't always enough because it may simply not be true. Not everyone is meant to be together. That doesn't mean anyone did anything wrong. Rather, it means that the relationship just wasn't going to work out no matter what, and the love is gone.
5. 'They need some space'
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One common thought to have when you're telling yourself that it's still love is that your partner just needs some space. Things may not feel like they're really working out right now, but that's okay. You just need to give them the room they need to breathe and be who they are.
Except it doesn't always work that way. Many times, you can give someone all the space in the world, and it still won't mend what's broken in a relationship. What's worse, if you give your partner too much space, there won't really be any relationship left.
You may feel the need to give your partner some space, but it can be even more jarring when they request that space themselves. Parent coach and psychologist Jeffrey Bernstein, PhD said, "The request for space can trigger personal insecurities or feelings of inadequacy. You might question whether you did something wrong or if there's something lacking in the relationship. These insecurities can amplify the shock and make it feel more personal."
Whether you decide to give the space hoping it will save your relationship, or your partner requests it in some kind of last-ditch effort, space is not always the answer. In some cases it can be beneficial, but if you're already pulling away from each other, it may just drive a bigger wedge between the two of you. If that's the case, you can rest assured it's not love.
6. 'It's my fault'
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One of the sadder phrases people say when they're trying to convince themselves it's still love is "It's my fault," blaming themselves for things they likely had no control over. If your partner keeps messing up, but you're not ready to admit how much harm it's doing to the relationship, an alternative option would be to take all the blame on yourself.
If you're growing apart and losing that feeling of love, it makes sense that you might want to pretend everything wrong with the relationship is your doing when it's really your partner, who you're naturally pulling away from, who's responsible.
Although you may think that taking on all of the blame yourself and assuming responsibility will make things better, that's not necessarily the case. In fact, it's likely not going to work. As Kwong said, "A cycle of blame serves only to increase conflict and unease, and does not help at all to resolve the issues in a relationship." In other words, whether you're taking on the blame yourself or pinning it all on your partner, it's not going to work the way you hope it will. It just creates a vicious cycle.
Blaming yourself for all of the problems in a relationship isn't just ineffective, it's also unrealistic. There's almost no way one person could be responsible for all the problems in a relationship unless there is a serious abuse issue. The very idea of a relationship is two people working together on being together. One person would be unlikely to be responsible for ruining a relationship singlehandedly.
7. 'I still see a future together'
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One of the biggest obstacles to seeing that there is no love left in a relationship and it's time to move forward separately is still being able to envision a future that has both of you happily in it. Sometimes, the image of any sort of happily ever after will mercifully leave your mind, but at others you'll feel certain that you can still see things working out.
But you can't let the idea of your future mess with the reality of your present. Furthermore, even if you think you can see a future with your partner, that doesn't mean it's the same future they're seeing.
"Even if you connect with and care deeply about the other person, you might not be on the same page regarding big-picture things," Lawrenze revealed. "If your partner wants to settle down and start a family, but you'd rather spend your days traveling, it's a significant sign things aren't meant to last."
Your mind may be subconsciously holding onto your hopes and dreams for the future, and you just can't remove your partner from that image yet. That doesn't mean you should definitely stay together, though, or that love is still there.
Holding onto the past won't help you. Try to reconcile with the present and move forward to whatever exciting future is really in store for you instead.
8. 'It's not time to move on yet'
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Someone who wants to believe there's still love left in their relationship might say that they feel like it's not time to move on just yet. This can just as easily be used as an excuse when the relationship really is over, and you're trying to decide what direction to take your life in.
If you truly can't let go of that relationship, you'll tell yourself that it's not time to move on. Instead, you should stay right where you are and wait for things to get better or go back to the way they were before.
Health expert Bruce Y. Lee explained that if someone doesn't truly know you, it's one of the surest signs that it's time to move on. "With any relationship, personal or professional, ask yourself how thoroughly the other person can answer basic questions about you," he recommended.
"Such questions may include what are your likes and dislikes, what are your goals, your hopes and your dreams, what tends to motivate versus disincentivize you, what is your personality like in general."
If your partner doesn't truly know or understand you, there's nothing for you to stick around for. While you may think there's love left on your part, there's clearly no love on theirs. It really is time to move on, because there's nothing for which to stay. Whether you're still in the relationship or have broken up, no matter what you may wish, it's time to let go.
9. 'It's just a phase'
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If you really want a relationship to work and you're trying to convince yourself it's still love, you may tell yourself that you're simply going through a phase as a couple. Things are rough right now, but they'll get better soon, and this will all be a memory. While relationships can certainly go through phases just like anything else, yours may be beyond a phase and beyond irreparable damage.
According to psychiatrist Carly Snyder, MD, there actually are four phases that successful relationships go through, depending on how long you've been together: the euphoric, early attachment, crisis, and deep attachment stages. If you're falling out of love, it's possible you're in the crisis stage, or possible that you've fallen out of the stages altogether.
If there have been problems in your relationship for a while and you feel like you're no longer in love, it's probably not just a phase. Instead, the issues probably run much deeper.
Don't get caught up in thinking it's a phase that will simply go away on its own at some point. This will save you time, energy and heartache that your failing relationship doesn't deserve.
10. 'They're the only one out there for me'
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By saying "They're the only one out there for me," one of the phrases people say when they're trying to convince themselves it's still love, it's dangerous thinking that implies you'll never find happiness with another person, or on your own, so you should just settle for what you have. But that's absolutely not the case.
Settling is never okay, especially when it comes to your love life. If what you have right now isn't a match, there is something better for you out there, even if it's being alone.
Furthermore, thinking of someone constantly can have its downsides. Licensed marriage and family therapist Angela Sitka said it's natural to have someone on your mind, especially if you were in a relationship. But thinking of them all the time may not be a good thing.
"Some red flags that you may need some extra support [forgetting someone] is making (unwanted) outreach attempts, constantly finding ways to bring them up in unrelated conversations or looking excessively at [their] old photos and social media," she said.
When love is running out, you have to allow yourself to think about others. Unless you're certain that you've truly met your soulmate, there is always someone else out there. It's not worth it to waste all of your energy on someone who doesn't even love you anymore.
11. 'It would be worse to be alone'
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The idea that it would be worse to be alone than it would be to be in an unhappy, loveless relationship is absolutely not true. Being alone might not be your first choice, and it might feel uncomfortable, but it's worth it to do what's best for yourself instead of staying with someone just to be in a relationship.
Professor and psychologist Theresa E. DiDonato, PhD explained that we live in a world that is preconditioned to be set up for couples, but that doesn't mean you should avoid being single at all costs. She stated, "Singlehood removes the pressures that can come with romantic relationships, allowing people to live and strive for improvement without as many constraints as individuals whose lives are interdependent with a partner."
You never have to feel afraid of or insecure about being alone. It's better than being constantly hurt or looked over. And, if you're just coming to realize that there's no love left in your relationship, it might be just what you need while you figure out what's next for you.
Mary-Faith Martinez is a writer with a bachelor's degree in English and Journalism who covers news, psychology, lifestyle, and human interest topics.
