11 Phrases Controlling Women Say To People They Supposedly Love
She may not intend to be manipulative, but her words indicate otherwise.
Andrii Nekrasov | Shutterstock Have you ever talked to a woman and thought, "She's a bit controlling"? People often let their guard down when hanging out with a loved one or friend, but to a controlling person, this reaction is the perfect opportunity to strike or manipulate a situation to their benefit.
In the moment, most people will think they are overreacting, disregarding the red flags. But there are certain phrases a controlling woman often says to the people she supposedly loves that are disguised as helpful advice or words of encouragement. In reality, they are meant to manipulate those around her.
Here are 11 phrases a controlling woman often says to people she supposedly loves
1. 'You're too sensitive'
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A woman who is controlling will say things to undermine other people's behavior. When she says, "You're too sensitive," it's a way to discredit someone's feelings.
According to a 2022 study, one form of unfair treatment within a relationship is coercive control. This type of control is when people use negative behaviors such as intimidation, threats, or humiliation to get what they want. According to researchers, this type of behavior is abusive and is considered emotional manipulation.
Psychologist Mark Travers PhD explained that using emotional invalidation can trigger a person's fight-or-flight response. That's why people should do their best to ground themselves so they don't allow their emotions to become out of control.
Take deep breaths and count to 10 before responding to a controlling woman. Use "I" statements, such as, "I feel highly uncomfortable right now." This keeps both parties calm and prevents the hostile person from becoming defensive.
2. 'If you really loved me, you would'
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Nobody should ever feel forced to step outside of their comfort zone. After all, some people have firm boundaries that should never be crossed. This may include refusing to share personal information, or not wanting to be hugged due to discomfort.
Regardless of the reason, when a controlling woman says this phrase, it's showing that she doesn't respect the boundaries of the people she loves, and how she doesn't respect them. And when those boundaries aren't respected, therapist Kate O'Brien says it's impossible to control other people's reactions or behaviors.
However, that doesn't mean people can't set consequences and limitations. O'Brien explained that for some, this might be walking away or changing the subject. But regardless of what people do, it's best to limit contact as much as possible. Otherwise, it will be harder to uphold those boundaries.
3. 'This is how you treat me after everything I've done for you?'
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Hearing a controlling woman utter this phrase may be triggering for people who grew up in homes with narcissistic parents who used manipulation tactics. But it's not just a means of control, it's emotional blackmail.
As professor and psychology expert Kevin Bennett PhD explained, manipulative people will use guilt as a weapon to force others into doing what they want. "Statements like ‘After all I've done for you...' or, ‘If you loved me, you would…' are classic emotional blackmail lines." The goal of these phrases is to control and shift blame onto others to distort their reality and keep them in their "web of obligation."
When a controlling woman says a phrase like this, she's using guilt and shame to force others to do things they don't want to do. And it's an incredibly toxic and manipulative thing to do to people she supposedly loves and cares about.
4. 'You always do this'
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Resentment is a surefire way to burn bridges and turn even the kindest woman into someone who is controlling. According to the Gottman Institute, resentment falls under contempt, which is the biggest predictor of divorce.
This is because contempt often involves an attack on someone's character and, as a result, it often leads to more conflict as destructive behaviors and patterns become the norm in a once-healthy relationship.
A common phrase a controlling woman often says to people she supposedly loves is, "You always do this." She may not be trying to be controlling all the time when she utters these words, but it's likely her resentment has built up over time and she's lashing out at others, harming her relationships in the process.
5. 'Well, everyone else thinks that'
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Though this phrase might seem out of place, a controlling woman may say it to people she supposedly loves as a way to validate her own way of thinking. Because she wants to remain in charge, she will do or say anything to ensure others fall in line and don't question her flawed narrative.
But when she's tried everything and nothing seems to work, she may say, "Well, everyone else thinks that," to make it seem like the other person is the only one reacting a certain way.
Not only is this manipulative, but it directly plays on human behavior and fear. According to professor of psychology Geoffrey Cohen, PhD, belonging to a group motivates people throughout their day-to-day life.
This sense of belonging can also break people, as not being in the "in crowd" can cause them to feel helpless and anxious. Controlling women will purposely make others feel excluded to play on those fears and force them into submission.
According to research from the Journal of Aggression, Maltreatment & Trauma, knowing how to spot a manipulator is the first step to dispelling their controlling behavior. Researchers found that people who know of the DARVO strategy (deny, attack, reverse victim and offender) are increasingly likely to discern manipulative tactics and are therefore less likely to believe them.
6. 'I didn't mean it like that'
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It's important to be wary of people who insult them and then play it off as a joke. Because one of the phrases a controlling woman often says to people she supposedly loves is, "I didn't mean it like that."
According to a study from Frontiers in Psychology, disparagement humor is a kind of humor that belittles an individual or group of people. Researchers found that though this type of humor is perceived to be funny, it's also perceived to be offensive. As a result, a phrase like this shouldn't be brushed under the rug and should be addressed head-on instead.
Psychologist and anxiety expert Ellen Hendriksen PhD stated that this can be accomplished through reassurance, validation, and holding them accountable.
First, reassure them that it's a safe place to discuss their emotions with others while also validating their feelings. For example, say, "Hey, I'm here to listen and I completely understand where you're coming from."
That said, a controlling woman shouldn't be praised for their toxic comments or behavior. Once the dust has settled, be sure to let them know how their behavior isn't acceptable. As Hendriksen stated, "People who are passive-aggressive behave the way they do because they get away with it."
So, while someone can acknowledge where they're coming from, it's also equally important to pump the brakes and say, "Though I understand where you're coming from, that type of behavior isn't okay and is really hurtful."
7. 'I'm fine'
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When someone says they are "fine," even though their outward appearance makes it obvious they aren't, they are likely blocking out their feelings. It may be because they don't want to feel like a burden, but for a controlling woman who says this phrase, it's due to her desire to manipulate a situation for her own ego or benefit.
For example, a couple is driving in a car and the woman is upset because the man didn't stop for coffee. Instead of saying, "I'm really upset we didn't stop for coffee," she may say, "I'm fine," when her partner pesters her about how she's feeling. She may not purposely be manipulative or controlling, nor does she mean to hurt her partner, but it's still a form of controlling behavior.
A study from Philosophy and Phenomenological Research defined a guilt trip as deliberately making others feel guilty in order to get what they want, which is a huge indicator that they're being manipulative and controlling. Women who engage in this behavior should be upfront and honest about their needs, instead of beating around the bush, so to speak.
8. 'Do whatever you want'
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When a controlling woman says "Do whatever you want," she clearly doesn't mean it. Rather than stating what she does want in an honest and upfront manner, she's being incredibly passive-aggressive and manipulative to get her way.
According to research published in Trends in Cognitive Sciences, the need for control is a biological urge and is therefore harder to control. But just because it's a biological urge doesn't mean a controlling woman should act on it. After all, not all urges are great to lean into. For instance, just because someone feels the urge to swear at someone who made them angry, doesn't mean they should.
9. 'I just can't help it'
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When a woman openly expresses that she can't control her behavior, she will say something along the lines of, "I just can't help it," when questioned about her improper actions.
The phrase may seem innocent at first, especially when it's uttered during a small disagreement or a playful spat. Yet the issue with this phrase often stems from the fact that women, and people, in general, should be able to control their actions, despite what others say.
If not, women will never be able to take accountability for themselves, which will affect their personal growth and prosperity. As a 2022 study showed, people who display a sense of agency tend to have a greater sense of competence.
That said, people can't control women or force them to change for the better. It's unfortunate, but they need to have the honest desire to seek help and improve themselves.
10. 'You know you can trust me, right?'
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Trust is a fickle thing and is something that is earned through dedication and hard work. When a controlling woman says this phrase, she may actually mean the exact opposite in order to get information out of someone.
Trust isn't given just because a woman is a partner, friend, or family member; rather, trust is earned with consistent actions over time. But controlling women don't want to wait that long and will instead rush the process to get what they want out of a situation. Unfortunately, this may cause others to be wary about trusting them, especially if their trust is broken as a result.
11. 'I'm just trying to help you'
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Whether it's a friend, family member or romantic partner, the need to protect can be so far ingrained in some women that it causes them to go to extremes. They may justify controlling others through the guise of helping them.
But this type of behavior isn't healthy, and according to a study from Biochemistry Research International, dependent relationships often lead to an increase in aggressive behavior. This is why women shouldn't interfere too much when it comes to other people's individual choices. Although they may want the best, these dependent relationships can quickly lead to abusive situations.
Marielisa Reyes is a writer with a bachelor's degree in psychology who covers self-help, relationships, career, family, and astrology topics.