10 People's Hellish First Dates — And The Critical Takeaways
We've all been there. Now, here are the unexpected takeaways.
djile / Shutterstock The best part about dating is that horrifying dates are inevitable. If you're shaking your head and wondering what's so "best," about that statement, then maybe you're the type who's never learned a lesson from a truly disastrous date.
Bad dates are for learning, you guys.
We took to social media to see what people had learned after their first date from hell. It's hard to tell what's scarier from the stories we received: the dates or the actual lessons the men and women were forced to learn.
We'll let you be the judge.
Here are 10 lessons we can all learn from other people's hellish first dates:
1. Agreeing to a healthy food restaurant for a first date won't end well
Emily probably should have known better when a date suggested that they meet at the healthiest of health food restaurants in town. However, the reality of the situation didn’t sink in until after she ordered a creamy dressing at the restaurant, and her date said, "Ugh. That's gross. Creamy dressing is sick. Sickening. Nasty. Oh man, I feel like I'm going to barf." Then he tightly grabbed her arm, looked her right in the face, and said, "Look, pretty girl — don't ever let me catch you eating mayonnaise." Emily picked up her bag and snuck out the back door with the stealth of Batman.
Lesson? "Don't go out with guys who schedule first dates at healthy restaurants. Have a drink. Relax. Eat some mayonnaise, if you like."
2. Computer programmers have a weird sense of humor
If the bottom of the email after your first date reads the following, then you know you've got a desperate attempt at both funny and love on your hands. Can we say awkward?
"This program uses a novel algorithm to quantitatively analyze and assess characteristics of Jessica's male suitors (includes real-time objective quantitative data on charisma and personality, goals-set/goals-attained ratios, penis size [and associated wielding skills], potential for a happy and successful future, probability of divorce, various dating statistics among 768 other int value data inputs).
The compiled algorithm yields object [name] of Jessica's best match, saving much valuable time and opening up a world of unprecedented happiness."
Lesson? "When the talk goes to his penis — he also claimed in another email that followed that he was well-endowed — block him on Gmail, then laugh at him with your friends."
3. Vampires aren't as cool as they are in the movies
The idea of gifts, in general, is great! But when your date asks if he can buy you a pair of fangs before you even meet him IRL, something is up. However, if you ignore this blaring warning, as Diana did and, to quote her, "get stupid and go out with him anyway, because he's THAT good looking, don’t be surprised when he tells you he thinks he's a vampire, and that he thinks you're one, too." Sigh.
Lesson? "No matter how good-looking he is, just say 'no' to dudes who think they’re starring in The Lost Boys."
4. Never EVER date a local yokel celebrity
Colleen thought the local weatherman seemed rather charming when he asked her out. But that's where the charm ended. She explains, "The aura of 'I am a local celebrity so you should be impressed' is palpable. Also, he used weather terminology in bed. 'Expect heavy precipitation in my Southern Hemisphere.' I wish I was making that up."
Lesson? "Celebrities, big and small, are all delusional." And on that note ...
5. ...Don't date former Disney stars
Honestly, if we look at former Disney stars, there's a lot of wonky going on there. A shouldn't have agreed to be set up with this particular star when her friend suggested a double date, but he was famous so it could be fun, she thought. The former teen heartthrob spent the entire evening either snorting coke or trying to score more coke — the ENTIRE evening.
Lesson? "If someone tries to set you up with a former child star, JUST SAY NO, no matter how good his hair is."
6. If he shows up drunk, just go home
Immediately. It's one thing to pre-game; it's another to show up wasted. When this particular date I had showed up trashed out of his mind, the night involved getting kicked out of several bars, him head-butting a bouncer (and eventually a wall), and trying to start a fight with guys in a moving car — while he was on foot.
Lesson? "I really should have just stayed home that night and watched Law & Order episodes."
7. Excessive stuffed animals on the couch is a sign to bolt
Nate walked into a stuffed animal shrine and learned things the hard way: "I met a girl, we go out on a date she invites me back to her place for a nightcap. As soon as I walk in, I see her couch covered with what has to be at least 100 stuffed animals.
So I try to make an excuse to leave — and this girl's entire face changes. She starts screaming at me yelling, 'Why don't you want to f*** me?' over and over again, hysterically crying and screaming. I am able to talk her down and get out of her apartment. As I'm pulling away in my car I hear a thud. This crazy girl is now in the middle of the road throwing her shoes at my car and yelling."
Lesson? "If you ever walk into a date's house and they have hundreds of stuffed animals, just run."
8. Apparently, NASCAR drivers are athletes
Bringing up sports, especially in this sports-obsessed country, is almost as conversation-killing as politics and religion. And when your date says that NASCAR drivers are athletes, and even equivalent to runners and high jumpers, just go with it. As Anna learned, it will save you hours of arguing over the true meaning of the word "athlete," and the loss of three hours of your life that you can never get back.
Lesson? "A true athlete doesn't drive a car in centrifugal circles on a track repeatedly. But, if you're lucky like me, the NASCAR-loving guy will pay for the date despite the argument, so maybe that means they're gentlemen?"
9. If he leaves for 20 Minutes to take a phone call, it's OK to order extra drinks on his tab
Francesca, back before she met her adorable husband, went on a date with a man who, 10 minutes into the date, answered a phone call and stayed outside for at least 20 minutes. So, she did what one should do in such a situation, and proceeded to down drinks and put them on his tab.
Lesson? "Two can play the rude game."
10. Having to "work it out," after a first date doesn't bode well for a relationship
After a first date that ended on a sour note, Jenny hoped to never hear from this particular person again. However, he wasn't quite done. Over the next several days and weeks, the guy harassed her with a barrage of emails and texts over wanting to "work it out." As she explains, "Even after I blocked him, he was wedging notes in my mailbox, because he knew where I lived."
Lesson? "If you have to 'work it out' that early on, then it’s obviously not meant to be. And harassing isn't romantic no matter how many flowers you tape to someone's mailbox!"
Amanda Chatel is a writer who divides her time between NYC and Paris. She's a regular contributor to Bustle and Glamour, with bylines at Harper's Bazaar, The Atlantic, Forbes, Livingly, Mic, The Bolde, Huffington Post, and others.