People Who Feel Loved & Seen In Relationships Do These 7 Things Differently
That happy couple who've been together forever? They've got it figured out.
Getty Images | Unsplash It's strange how hard it is to be yourself in a new relationship. After all, we are ourselves in every other area of our lives. Why do we struggle to be ourselves when starting a new relationship? Look at the older couples who are happy. Those people who feel loved and seen in their relationships do a few things differently to make it work for the long-haul.
When we first get into a new relationship, we feel very confident. Having someone new in our lives, someone who thinks we are fabulous is a very heady experience. And yet, as we become attached to someone, feelings of insecurity can arise because with attachment comes the fear of loss.
We may find ourselves struggling to be authentic or show our true selves. The fear of loss can hijack many a new love affair. Who wants that? Surely not you! After all, you can't have a truly healthy relationship if you're not being yourself.
Seven things people who feel loved in their relationship do so well
1. They stay in touch with their awesomeness
Think about the person you were when you were single when you weren't questioning your self-worth because of some guy. Who is that person?
- Do you have a job you love and you are good at?
- Do you run marathons?
- Do you have a few great friends who you love to spend time with?
- Do you like to go to movies and try new food?
- Do you have a dog that thinks you are God’s gift to the world?
This person is the person you need to remember when you are feeling insecure.
Remember, this awesome person is who they chose to date in the first place. You, with all of your confidence and quirks and wonderfulness. Think about what will happen if you are anything other than yourself as the relationship grows. Most likely, your new love interest will get confused and wonder where the person they fell for is. They might even break up with you as a result of your change.
Remember, you are so awesome that more than just one person out there wants to date you, so if this one doesn’t appreciate you as you are, too bad for them.
2. They don't stop living their life
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Do not, I repeat, do not sit around and wait for anyone to call. Time spent sitting around waiting for your life to start is time wasted.
You have a life to live, so live it. Do your work and do it well. Go to yoga, eat out with friends, and walk your dog. Do all of the things to make you feel good about yourself, and do them often.
No man wants the pressure of being everything to a woman. Of their woman staying home waiting for them to call. To have them twist themselves in a pretzel to be what they want. To give up their passions for another. That woman is not very attractive.
Furthermore, most people love the pursuit, and if you are out there, not always available to them, being a challenge, they are way more likely to stay interested in you.
I have a client who sits by her phone, waiting for her man to call or reach out to her on Instagram. She watches his activity and feels dejected when he is active but not in contact with her. So she obsesses, checking her phone instead of going out with friends and waiting for him to reach out. When he finally does, she is crabby, and their time together isn't what she wants it to be.
So, continue to live your own life. Don't always be there for them. You will be glad you did.
3. They know when to unplug
One of the things you should not do to keep yourself busy is spend time on social media. As I said above, becoming obsessed with someone's social media activity is dangerous.
Even on a good day, social media can lead us down the road to despair. Fear of Missing Out (FOMO), the fear the rest of the world is going on around you as you just sit there on your phone, is a real thing in this modern day. Time spent watching how other people are living instead of living yourself is always time wasted.
My client above has become so obsessed with her man's Instagram activity it makes her physically ill. And she posts more actively than she used to, wanting him to see her posts and to think of her. And when he doesn't look at them, she is devastated.
Of course, we all spend too much time on our phones. Do you? I am not saying you should put down your phone, but I am saying the effort needs to be made to not change our habits, to not become a stalker, to stay in touch with friends, and to check on celebrities like we always have.
So again, go live your life. Don’t sit around and see what someone else’s life looks like.
4. They know the other person is probably feeling the same way
The more attached we are to something, whether it be a lover, a friend, or a coat, the more we fear losing it. And the fear of losing something can cause us to act in ways that might seem foreign. The super self-confident woman you usually are might get replaced with the shy 8th grader you used to be. Not ideal.
While you may be feeling insecure at the prospect of losing this new person in your life, they might very well be feeling the same way, too. They might feel like if they text you, they could appear too eager or if they stop by your desk. You might find them too needy.
Does the behavior make you feel bad about them, or is it somewhat endearing? Does knowing they might be feeling as insecure as you are, you are in the same boat trying to make this relationship work, make you feel more confident?
Try not to judge yourself for struggling to be yourself in a relationship. Instead, make a change, and you will feel better about yourself and your place in the relationship, as supported by a study in the Journal of Personality and Social Psychology.
5. They ask, “What’s the worst that can happen?”
This question can be applied to a variety of life situations, but its best application is right here.
You are in a new relationship, days or weeks old, and it is one you have lived your entire life up until recently without. So, ask yourself, “What is the worst that can happen?” The answer?
- You will lose this relationship. So what? There are more fish in the sea.
- You will embarrass yourself? You have done that before and survived.
- You will have a great conversation and maybe another date? Well, that wouldn’t suck.
Keep in mind the worst isn’t that you will drop dead if you send a text, or you will end world peace if you ask them to dance. With that in mind, take a step confidently in their direction. Being the rock star you are.
Because really, what’s the worst that can happen?
6. They don’t get twisted into a pretzel
This is the number one issue I run into with clients who reach out because their relationship is falling apart, and one or both of them turned themselves into a pretzel to be who they thought their partner wanted them to be.
Of course, we are all on our best behavior at the beginning of a relationship, but the best person mustn’t be someone you made up.
I have a client who is riddled with anxiety, and her new boyfriend has no idea. He thinks she is cool and calm and will roll with anything. I know because she shares all of her anxieties with me. He has fallen in love with someone who doesn’t exist. Because of this, her relationship is failing. She hasn’t been able to keep up the pretense of being cool and calm, and, as the anxiety is seeping out, he is wondering where the girl is he fell in love with.
- Are you being yourself in this relationship?
- If your friends saw you with your new person, would they recognize you?
- Are you able to be the person you authentically are in the relationship and not try to hide things?
- Do you feel good about who you are presenting in the new relationship?
A study in the Journal of Personality and Individual Differences supported that if the answer to any of these questions is "No," then take a good, hard look at who you are bringing into this relationship and make sure it is you!
7. They don’t bring old baggage into the new relationship
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This is a hard one because it is not easy to come into a new relationship and leave the baggage from your past behind you. We have all had breakups. Because they are breakups, there is probably not much good associated with them.
- Perhaps we have been cheated on or cheated ourselves.
- Perhaps we were emotionally or physically abused.
- Perhaps we were lied to or gaslit or treated like we were lower than dirt.
These things and other similar things, even small things, can leave lasting damage.
So, when we go into a new relationship, we bring with us those little hurts, often with our guard up so they don’t happen again, as shown by a study in the Individual Differences Research Journal. And, unfortunately, those guards are just the thing to destroy a relationship.
The key thing to remember is your new partner isn’t your old partner. They haven’t hurt you, lied to you, or cheated on you. They are a blank slate you can start over with. Try to give them the benefit of the doubt, to give them a chance to be someone other than you have been with in the past.
All that being said, it is important you understand what happened in your last relationship so it doesn’t happen again. Unfortunately, unless we truly process what happened and understand how to do things differently, history tends to repeat itself. Sometimes, it is our behaviors that bring about the toxicity, at least in part.
So, take stock of what happened in your past relationship and what your role was in what happened. This way, you can leave your baggage at the curb and embark on a whole new relationship, one not anchored in the past.
I know you want to be yourself in a new relationship. If you didn't, you wouldn't be reading this article.
We all want to love and be loved. This we all know to be true (although sometimes we are loathe to admit it). And in the pursuit of love, we often find ourselves losing ourselves in our attempt to please others.
But don’t let yourself go. Remind yourself every day how amazing you are, anyone would be lucky to have you, if this relationship doesn’t work out, there will be another (because there will be), and the world won’t end no matter what action you take.
Remember, not being yourself isn't sustainable. Not being yourself will only make you feel more insecure in the relationship. Not being yourself just might sabotage what you want, and then you will be left devastated. Be the person someone wants to fall in love with. Be the person who you can fall in love with, too.
You can do it!
Mitzi Bockmann is an NYC-based Certified Life Coach and mental health advocate who works exclusively with women to help them be all they want to be. Mitzi's bylines have appeared in MSN, Prevention, Huffington Post, and Psych Central, among many others.