The One Thing You Need In Order To Find Everlasting Love — And 2 Things You Definitely Do Not
Dr. Stan Tatkin shares what he's learned from decades as a therapist ... and as a husband.
pixelfit / Getty Images Signature via Canva There’s no such thing as “perfect” when it comes to human beings. The question that really matters when looking for real love is this: Do you think you’re good enough to have a great relationship?
Most dating advice will try to get you to find your ideal partner. Embarrassingly, even one of my own books has a subtitle that states how to find your ideal partner. I wish I could change that subtitle.
Two things you don't need in order to find real, everlasting love:
Let me square that here and tell you what I really think about the concept of the "ideal" partner: It doesn't exist. And if you want to find real, everlasting love, you need to accept that.
You don't need a perfect partner
Forget the entire concept of a perfect partner. There is no such thing. There is only a good enough partner. The good news is, great relationship are real.
Don’t get me wrong — a good enough partner is terrific. When I say good enough, I mean not perfect. While there are no guidebooks for being a perfect partner, learning how to find love, or finding an ideal mate, some solid guidelines will determine whether your relationship will be great, good, passable, or nightmarish.
You don't need to be perfect yourself
Forget about trying to be perfect in order to make yourself lovable. You do not need to be the embodiment of mental health, the nicest person in the world, or anything other than yourself.
You must be clear on the relationship for both of you and then accept nothing else. Hopefully, you will expect and insist that your love relationship be fully collaborative, egalitarian, respectful, and sensitive.
You need to build a relationship based on principles, not perfection
Flesh out your principles for a great relationship, and once youv'e done that, look for a partner who is willing and able to play in the partnership sandbox with you.
Make sure you both agree on what the relationship should be regardless of your imperfections. For instance, in my marriage, our relationship is governed by a set of principles we both believe in. These principles protect us from ourselves and each other as well as outsiders.
These principles, or agreements, guide our behavior in the relationship because if we let our personalities, interests, feelings, or whims guide us, we would likely no longer be happily married.
How to determine what your relationship should be
Determine this not just for yourself, but for you both. It is important to ensure your ideas serve personal and mutual interests. Fashion your great relationship around real concerns such as the following:
Ask yourself:
- Should we put the relationship first over all other matters?
- Should our relationship be fully transparent?
- Should we be in full care of one another?
- Should we protect each other in public and private?
- Should we always ensure each other’s sense of safety and security?
If your “ideal” partner doesn’t buy into these principles, they are far from "ideal" — because they are not right for you!
Stan Tatkin, PsyD, MFT, is a clinician, teacher, and developer of A Psychological Approach To Couples Therapy (PACT). He specializes in working with couples and individuals who wish to be in relationships.