Why One Simple Mistake Keeps So Many Women Single
Don't tell men this.
Dean Drobot | Canva If you've tried online dating sites or apps for a long or short period, chances are you've come across — or may have even written — a profile that goes a little something like this: “Arrogant commitment-phobes, deadbeat dads, and cheaters need not apply!” Ouch. While some women might read that and wince, others see such statements and say to themselves, “That's right! Someone needs to let those guys know we are sick of their nonsense!” I hear you. But if you're honestly interested in dating advice on how to get a guy to like you and be interested in dating you, it's important to start by knowing how to write a dating profile that won't get you the exact opposite of what you truly want.
Men coming across a Tinder, Bumble, Hinge, or OkCupid profile written like the example above hear you loud and clear. And they make sure to steer a path as wide and far away from you as possible. If you're a single woman over the age of 30, you’ve probably been in several short and long-term romantic relationships. You may even have been married and divorced by this point. So it's likely you've met more than your fair share of not-so-great men. Online dating is one of the most intriguing, expeditious, and interesting, yet completely nerve-wracking and frustrating inventions since the club scene. It’s no better or worse than going to clubs, and it's certainly just as entertaining!
Many women find dating apps comforting because they get to vet the traits of a man that they believe matter the most before becoming physically or emotionally invested in him. You can gain perspective and insight into a gentleman before meeting him if you know what to look for, so you can make solid choices based on more than just attraction and chemistry. However, it's easy to forget that this is a two-way street; he is evaluating you, too.
Your profile is just as revealing as his, if not even more so since as women, we tend to communicate more than men do. One of the biggest mistakes women make when writing their dating profiles (and sometimes, even on dates!) is telling men what they don’t want from them. When you do this, rather than hearing what you don’t want, men hear you say these two things instead: You are still salty over what happened with the last Joker, and no matter how hard he works, he will never be good enough to win your heart.
When you tell someone what you don’t want, you are focusing on avoiding past mistakes rather than creating and maintaining a fresh, healthy relationship.
You cannot serve two masters. You are either committed to and focused on creating an intimate, soulful partnership with a great new guy, or you are committed to playing it safe and taking every possible precaution to make sure what happened with your ex(es) doesn't happen again. One path is seductive and attractive. The other is, well... not. Most men have an innate drive to succeed and win. A man evaluating your profile is looking to see if you are a quality woman he is willing to work for, and whether or not he believes he stands a chance should he choose to do so. Telling him what you don’t want fails to tell him how he can win.
When you focus on communicating what you don't want, this tells him that, should he try pursuing you, he’ll have to try a ton of stuff to earn your trust, and that none of it may ever work because you're still not over whatever happened with the last guy, hence the focus on what you don't want. And it tells him that no matter how hard he works, he will never win your heart, because the only information he has tells him what not to do, leaving him with no intel whatsoever about what he should do. Telling a man what you don’t want is a sure-fire way to get more of the same. It’s almost as if uttering or writing those words casts a spell summoning men everywhere who match the exact description of your past lover(s).
When you are confident and grounded in who you are, and have a firm understanding of the kind of man and relationship you want, you don’t have to share disclaimers about what it is you don’t want.
It becomes obvious in the way you carry yourself from the start — the way you respond to messages, the way you text, and the way you communicate in general — that you won't be having anything less than the quality kind of man you know full well you deserve. You teach a man how to treat you not through the words you say, but by what you do, what you accept, the behaviors you tolerate, and the boundaries you set.
For example, I’ve never told any man that he cannot curse in my presence. Truth be told, I have quite a potty mouth. However, I've found that when men use profanity in my presence for any reason, even when it's justified, they turn to me and apologize for their behavior. They don't do this because I ask them to, and I certainly don't require it of them. I've never once commented on a man's use of colorful expletives, and I haven't even raised an eyebrow. I simply carry myself like a woman who values herself and who respects thoughtful communication. This alone causes them to consider how they communicate with me, without me ever uttering a direct word about it.
When you value yourself, you demonstrate your awareness that you are a high-quality woman. You broadcast the sense that you are someone who isn't about to settle for a man whose behaviors lack integrity. Ergo, there's no need to list what you won’t accept in the fine print or anywhere else! The number one mistake women make when dating is working hard to tell men who they are rather than simply showing them through their communication and behavior. The proof is not in what you say. Talk is cheap and words are expensive, but actions speak louder than words, and character is priceless. Show, don’t tell. Be don’t speak. If you are it, he’ll see it, know it, respect it, appreciate it, claim it, and love you for it.
Ivy Allen is an author, speaker, teacher, dating and relationship coach, and life coach who helps her clients create intimate connections in relationships, express their natural sensuality, and date with confidence.